The NBA season is finally here, and I can’t wait to
have something to distract me from a slow, agonizing defeat every week in
the stupid world of fantasy football. I hate Rotoworld. A world where every Tuesday, it is predicted that Andre Johnson will score 90 yards and
a TD, and every Sunday Andre Johnson goes for 50 yards and no
TD’s, for like 2 years straight. So, I’m getting my mind right for
an exciting NBA season and thinking about which teams may or may not have a
shot at beating the Ohio Cavaliers of Cleveland Lebrons. While ESPN is sifting through the peanuts in
Lebron’s turds, trying to rank each individual NBA player, I’m gonna take a few
minutes to rank the teams this year in order of worst to best. Teams
are lumped into groups and ranked on criteria of basically nothing other than
my opinion. So here it goes:
Teams that have
literally no good players: The
76ers, Orlando Magic, Detroit Pistons, and The Sacramento Queens. Sorry, Boogie. I know you feel great about making Team USA
this summer, but even Rudy Gay made the cut.
Quit fouling out, crying, “gettin’ T’d up for no reason”, jacking up
midrange jumpers, trotting back on D, and doing basically everything you do
that isn’t dominating the paint.
Teams who never draft
black guys: The Utah Jazz. Someday, the Jazz will draft a black guy, but
he’d be more of a cornball brother than Russel Wilson. For now, they’re banking on Gordon Hawyard
and a 17 year old Australian kid to buck 60 years of trending demographic in
the NBA. Looking back on it, they did
draft Karl Malone in 1985. Then again,
Karl Malone is an avid fisherman and hunter, owns an Arby’s and a Monster Truck,
and made campaign donations to re-elect George W Bush.
Teams that are
covered in the stench of contract issues:
The Pacers. They sucked before Paul George
(shuddering) broke his leg in half. Now
they’re just a sad sack of wishing they could trade Roy Hibbert.
Teams with decent
talent, but they love to tank: Timberwolves, Bucks, Hawks. Jabari Parker and Andrew Wiggins might prove
me wrong here, but I doubt it. Wiggins is
McLovin skinny. Dude needs to hit the
weight room. Jabari is like Paul Pierce
2.0, but Milwaukee has terrible Karma after hiring Jason Kidd. Get ready for
some bush-league crap to go down all year long like fake timeouts and “locker
room issues”.
Teams with a flawed
star player surrounded by crap: The
Lakers, The Celtics, the Knicks and the Nets.
These team should be tanking, but won’t because they’ve got one guy on
their roster who is too good to drown. I do want to give special shots out to the
Lakers for assembling the worst team in the NBA that doesn’t realize how bad it
is. Every Lakers game this year should
have a side bet of which will happen more:
Uncontested layups, or the Lakers celebrating routine plays. The sad
part about this group is the Lakers aren’t even in the worst situation of any
team here: THE NETS LOST MONEY LAST YEAR!!! You have to either be stupid, or a
billionaire Russian oil tycoon living life like Jordan Belfort, to lose money
on an NBA franchise in Brooklyn.
Teams that, I might cop ‘ya jersey, but that
about it: The Blazers (Lillard),
Hornets (Stevenson), Nuggets (Faried), Bobcats (Jordan), Suns (Bledsoe),
Pelicans (Davis), Raptors (Lowry), and
Wizards (Wall). Dope players, dope
jerseys, deserved hype, but they won’t get past the 1st round if
they make the playoffs at all. Also, I
know the Bobcats don’t exist anymore, but figured that’s a good reason to buy a
throwback. Also, Drake is ruining my
image of me owning a Raptors jersey.
Teams that employ
Dwight Howard, and are therefore impossible to like: The Rockets.
Soon to also be known as the team that employs James Harden, and
therefore gives up a lot of free layups.
Teams who won’t
contend unless their best player loses 15 pounds: Memphis, The Heat, and the Clippers. Yea, I said it. Chris Paul needs to slim down. His crafty D and buttery jumper aren’t going
to keep him on the top of the PG totem pole for long. Not with lighting fast players like Kyrie and
Westbrook coming down the barrel. D
Wade’s extra poundage really showed through in last year’s playoffs, and is the
#1 reason Lebron is in Cleveland. The best
Memphis Grizzly player is whichever of the Gasol/Randolph duo is not winded
down the stretch.
Crazy good Western
Conference teams who don’t have an MVP type player: The Mavs, The Warriors. Dirk just ain’t MVP Dirk anymore. The Warriors, if they aren’t already, should
be ridiculed for their decision not to trade Klay Thompson for Kevin Love. Nobody has ever won an NBA championship with
2 undersized big men who can’t stay healthy.
Curry can go into heat-check mode at any time, but his ankles are broken
just thinking about guarding Kyrie, Tony Parker, CP3, D. Rose, et al.
Teams that can make
the Eastern Conference Playoffs worth watching:
Forget beating the Cavs, I just want to see Derek Rose show up
healthy to the playoffs. At the very
least it provides a better Easter conference finals matchup than any godawful
showdown between the Heat and the Pacers the past 2 years. Did I mention the Pacers suck?
The winner plays the
Cavs in the finals: The Thunder or
The Spurs. OKC has a small window
here: They’re like the Magic back in the
90’s with Shaq. If they don’t win it
all, Durant is gone, gone, gone, and he’s winning 2-3 titles with a big market
franchise before he retires. My money
says he finds a home in Boston, and Westbrook goes to the Lake Show. The Spurs are probably in their last run of
the “Greg Popovich made the Spurs likeable” era. My heart years for the champs to repeat, but
this time around I don’t think they’re got enough gusto for:
The new and improved Superteam
assembled by Lebron: FHHHAAARRRTTTT
SOUUNNDDSSSSSS
