Can I hate on the Raptors for a minute?

Man, the Raptors suck.  Lebron has now been to the NBA finals 6 years in a row.  Sick of this! Out of all the teams Lebron has beaten in the Eastern conference finals, this Raptors team is easily the worst.  They needed 7 games to beat Paul George all by himself and another 7 games to beat Dwayne Wade and Goran Dragic.  Nothing against those guys, but PG-13 snapped his leg in half a year ago and D Wade hasn’t had left knee cartilage for years.  I don’t think even Toronto expected to win a game, let alone 2 against Lebron.   They were so satisfied with themselves after tying the series, they basically went on vacation right then and there.  Half their roster was spotted at 2am at a casino the night before game 5, then they went out and lost by 40.  FORTY!  They followed that up by getting pounded in game 6 in front of their home crowd.  That’s the lamest possible way to end a playoff run, for probably one of the lamest rosters in the league.  Let’s call out some names:

Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan:

Toronto’s 2 best players.  The running narrative for the Raptors playoff run was “both of these guys have been in a terrible shooting slump lately”.  That went on for 3 straight series.  It’s not a slump if your shooting has been poor for 20 games.  They just aren’t that good.  They tried to blame it on “playoff jitters” and thought that the cure would be “putting on a hoodie and practicing jump shots in the gym till 1am”  If you need to stay up late practicing your jumpshot during the playoffs, it’s too late.  That’s something you do in the summer. 

Demarre Carroll:

Toronto’s biggest free-agent signing ever (this is a fact).  He signed a new deal with Toronto and decided “U know what? I'm gonna add a little extra spice to my dreadlock ponytail and bleach the tips like Young Thug!”  He went from being an “under-the-radar guy, good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a very lame #2 seed in the East to being an “under-the-radar guy, good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a very lame #2 seed in the East.  He had the opportunity to go wherever he wanted and he picked almost the exact same situation as he had in Atlanta.  The only difference is now he pays way more taxes, and instead of 2 Chainz, Drake has a front row seat to watch him get his nards smashed by Lebron.

Luis Scola:

It’s not a coincidence came back to beat the Pacers after benching him.  This guy has been getting his playoff dick run over for years.  He still has tread marks on his nuts from Pau Gasol back when Metta World Peace was Ron Artest and played for the Houston Rockets.  He’s been a washed up veteran who can’t defend the pick and roll since…fucking Yao Ming!  He came off the bench with Dikembe Mutombo!  How was this guy in the starting lineup?

Jonas Valenciunas:

Got injured and started dressing like a coke dealer.  A camo blazer, dawg?  Is your stylist a bathroom attendant at the gentlemen’s club?

Drizzy Raptor:

Ok, so not an actual player, but I need to call him out.  I watch my games on the NBA TV streaming app, which rocks because instead of TV commercials I get to see all the live in-game entertainment like Kiss Cam, the “local kidz hip-hop dance troupe” and the guys who sky off trampolines for monster jams with tiny basketballs.  Toronto has a regular in-game feature they call “Drizzy Raptor” which is a Raptor mascot wearing a hoodie underneath a leather jacket and jeans, apparently intended to look like something Drake would wear.  He holds a fake microphone and does a dance routine to some of Drakes latest hits.  He even does Drake’s signature dance moves like “sit in a chair be grinded on”.  First of all, nobody but Aubrey is gonna pull off the hotline bling moves and look cool.  Second, you can move your hips and samba all you want, but you’ll never capture the raw sex and emotion of Drake and Rihanna in the “Work” video.  Third, and most important- why is Drake not just doing a short live performance?  He just dropped “Views”, he’s doing a tour, what better way to promote your album than a live performance at a nationally televised NBA game?      

Can I preach about "The Media" for a minute?

I’m weird; I like to watch the postgame interviews.  It’s entertaining to see the body language of the players after a big win or loss, and to read into it.  The only problem is 99% of the questions don’t produce entertaining answers.  “Hey Steph- down 3 games to 1, coming back and winning game 5, then game 6, now you’re going back to the finals again.  Can you just describe how it feels?”  “Hey Draymond- after game 4 you said you weren’t playing like yourself.  What did you do to turn it around?”  Like, what answer could they possibly give that you couldn’t already imagine?  Steph had a stroke of genius last season letting Riley derail the whole interview process- at least then it was entertaining.

Someone should give a medal to the lady who asked “do you think Steph is underrated as a defender” to KD and Russ.  That was pure theater, seeing those guys laugh and then watching Steph demolish Russ 2 games in a row.  Here are 10 more BURNING HOT interviews questions that should be asked:

1. Hey, Russ and KD, 2 part question: are golf hats the new Stetson hats, and if so who killed the Pharrell look?  Was it Tristan Thompson?

2.  Hey, Russ- your critics have said that you play a little too fast and need to slow down sometimes.  Have you considered cutting greenies out of your pregame routine, or is that the only way you can get down?

3. Hey, Steph- Is your rivalry with Russ strictly basketball, or are you guys also having a dumb outfit showdown?

4. This question is actually for JR- Swish, a girl with Kim K’s body and Lebron’s face or Lebron’s body and Kim K’s face?

5.  Hey, Klay- We all know you partake in a little “herbal healing” in the offseason- when you’re actually lifted can anybody tell, or do you look even more “Irie” when you “sip upon the chalice”?

6. Hey, Draymond- so, of all the people he could have texted after OKC dominated you guys in game 4, Kobe texted you?  Not the 2 guys on the other team that he played in the Olympics with?  Yes or no- did you make that up?

7. Hey, Lebron- what required more effort on your part- making it to the finals 6 straight times or getting Warner Brothers to give you the numbers you wanted for Space Jam 2?

8. Yo Bron- does it make you mad to see a guy with less pubes than your oldest son getting voted as the unanimous MVP or are you cool off your 4 trophies and 2 rings?

9. Hey, Bron Bron- in space jam 1, when Jordan realized he’s in a cartoon world and can do things he can’t do it real life, he made his arm stretch 50 feet long so he could dunk from half court.  What fantasy world thing are you gonna do in space jam 2?  Will it be shooting 3’s off the dribble like Steph?

10. Hey, King James- would you rather have Andrew Wiggins or whatever draft picks you’re getting for Kevin Love this summer?

NBA Playoffs round 1, you sucked.

Well, the first round of the playoffs was pretty damn disappointing, unless you enjoy watching Steph Curry and CP3 get injured and seeing the Charlotte Bobcats fold like a lawnchair in the franchise's first meaningful game ever. Hopefully the Drakes and the D-Wades becomes an entertaining series between 2 talented teams that like to blow 4th quarter leads.  I also have high hopes for Spurs v Westbrook and I think the Dubs v Blazers will be sneaky entertaining.  Mostly, though, I'm stuck with some burning questions after round 1:

Did that really just happen to the Clippers?

I mean, I don’t feel bad for any of them except maybe Chris Paul.  But, if you didn’t believe in the Donald Sterling curse, you should now.  Literally less than 36 hours after their window to the finals miraculously opened in the form of a Steph Curry MCL, Chris Paul broke his hand on a jersey, and Blake Griffin’s quadriceps decided it was tired of hanging on to his knee ligaments.  So, yeah.  They’ve got no window.  They should have traded Blake but they didn’t, Jamal Crawford & CP3 are getting old, DeAndre Jordan is still not very good at anything but jumping, and the only young guy on their roster who might improve is the coach’s son, who followed up a pretty impressive black eye performance by giving an eye roller of a press conference that would make even Dwight Howard proud.  He fake cried like 4 times, his voice quivered when he talked about Jamal Crawford “the best teammate he’s ever had”, and he declared that he’s “come a long way, man”.   Yeah, Austin.  You’ve come a long way, man.   From being son of Doc, a man who humbly coached a scrappy little basketball team in Boston to an NBA championship, to struggling to earn a name for yourself at a little school with a funny name in North Carolina, to fighting to earn a bench spot on your Dad’s team, to playing big minutes in a playoff game because the 2^nd best point guard in the league broke his hand.  Wow, man.  Started from the bottom, now you’re here.  I hope you have a self-gratifying fishing trip this summer.  You’ve earned it, son of Glen.

Is “We the North” one of the dumbest, or THE dumbest NBA marketing phrase ever?

It’s pretty dumb.  I mean, I get what they’re trying to say: “We are the Northernmost basketball city in the NBA”.  Not that there’s anything cool about that fact, but for the sake of argument, maybe they wanted to capture, in a phrase, their identity of being the only NBA franchise in Canada… “We the North” is what they came up with.  Was there some kind of 13 character limit?  “We are the North” at least sounds like a coherent thought.  Maybe they omitted “are” to try make it sound like something Drake would say?  If that’s the case, why even use a proper “the”?  Why not roll with “We da North”?.  It’s a slippery slope, I guess.  From there you might as well go with “We da Norf” or “We da Nort, mon.  Work, work, work work work he see me do me Dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt.”  There’s a thin line between Drizzy and Rihanna.  They should’ve just scratched that whole idea, made OVO a partner and changed their mascot to the Owl.

How you gonna put “Buzz City” on your jersey and act like you weren’t just the Bobcats? 

 This is for sure: “We the North” is at least not dumber than “Buzz City”.  Not even the Bobcats fans would wear the free t-shirts, and that’s saying something considering a purple dress shirt and the Karate Kid bandana is acceptable fashion at Bobcats games.  It sounds like something from Space Jam, and this version of the logo kind of looks like a generic pop flavor.

It’s crazy to think the Bobcats had a shot at the 2nd round.  I couldn’t name their starting 5 to save my life.  I’m not even entirely sure of a single starting player on their team.  Does Jeremy Lin start, or does Kemba Walker?  Do they still have Gerald Henderson and Josh McRoberts?  Did Stephen Jackson retire?  Would Jordan have played if they made the conference finals and showed Lebron what real post moves look like?   How many pounds of Elmer’s glue does Jeremy Lin go through in a week?  Does he ruin the towels he dries his hair with? 

Did Curry strain his MCL trying to avoid a good ol’ fashioned nard smash?

It sure looks like it.  I’ll say this:  he’s a tough guy and an unselfish teammate, but if I had to pick a Warriors player to step in a wet spot on the floor, it would be Harrison Barnes.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjFfi-dZU9w&feature=youtu.be

Side question:  Is Barnes costing himself money every time he misses a wide open corner 3?  Considering that his backup makes those shots pretty consistently… Yes.  Yes he is.  Joe Lacob should tell him straight up that every missed corner 3 is $250,000 off the bargaining table this summer.  Andre Iguodala for MVP.

I’m a die-easy fan, but I’m fully on the Warriors bandwagon.  Curry makes the game twice as much fun to watch.  I haven’t enjoyed watching a player this much since Kobe.  So, yeah… I’m pretty bummed to see him injured and I really hope he comes back at 100% during the playoffs.  There was something enjoyable about watching all 280lbs of ‘roided out Lebron getting beat in the Finals by a guy who looks like he would blend in at a high school gym.  Get well soon, Chef Curry.

As far as the 2^nd round goes, I think it’s gonna be very fun to watch.  Dame Dolla can cook with the best of them and Klay has been the best player in the playoffs so far.  I think the Warriors take the series in 6, and we’ll see what happens after that. 

When will Lebron get cramps?

Honestly, he might not get them till the Finals. The Eastern conference still sucks major donkey, just like it has for the past, I dunno, 6 or 7 years?  There’s not a single player in the Eastern Conference good enough to make Lebron play hard on both sides of the ball.  Get ready for 2 more rounds of him acting like a WWF wrestler who just jumped off the ropes and showing his teeth like a lion when Kyrie does something good.  Anybody who thinks the Hawks will turn this into much of a series is smoking more spice than a lineman at Ole Miss.

So the Spurs are gonna win the title, right?

Hard to call right now.  The Curry injury is heaven sent for them, and they sure as shit are not gonna lose to the likes of Russ Westbrook and his dance-off and dress like a fuckboi pregame ritual.  I know Russ wants to have something going on outside of basketball, but if he becomes a fashion trendsetter, everyone’s gonna walk around looking like they’re headed to Coachella to mix uppers and downers with Rihanna.  Then, there’s this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCLmcEcPk_c

Russ, in defense of the guy who has nothing better to do than interrupt your dance routines, what the fuck are you doing?  “Born to Hand Jive” was probably the weirdest scene in Grease, a move full of super weird scenes, and you’re basically just taking John Travolta’s moves and giving them a little Afrocentric flare. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY5pmzmiDO8

However, if you do a knee slide, pick up Cameron Payne, swing him between your legs, then drop to your knees while he wiggles through the hole, you will have taken this whole “hand jive” shit to the next level, bruh.

Playoffs 2016 are finally here.

What a great NBA regular season, and with that said, it could have been so much better.  There were zero consequential trades, no fights on TV (all off camera), and a serious lack of good teams losing.  It was basically propped up on both ends by the unbelievable Warriors and the unbelievably dogshit LA Kobes.  In between, there were a lot of disappointing teams (Houston), newly minted fuckbois (D’Angelo Russel & Blake Griffin), and troubling developments in the world of Hip-Hop (Drake).  Drizzy’s performance (or lack thereof) in Toronto on All-Star weekend was a major Valentine’s Day letdown for all the Good Girls out there who know it.  Those who wanted his “hot love and emotion endlessly” had to settle for “sending out an S.O.S.”  Sigh…We’ll probably never understand Aubrey Graham.  2016 was a big transition year for @ChampagnePapi.  One year ago he was just a scrawny rudeboi running through the 6 with his woes, now he’s charged up on that Barry Bonds regiment.  One thing is for certain- Drake likes all his S’s with two lines thru them shits.  My 2017 Drake prediction is that his Dr. Dre steroid look is gonna transition into a slightly chubby, constantly wearing diaper butt sweatpants look, sort of like Kayne but more fashionable.  Ugh… Kanye… that’s a scary thought.  Let’s hope that unlike Kanye, Drake’s music stays on point, which should be easy for him if he avoids the Kardashian family, which should be easy for him.  Then again, avoiding the Kardashians should be easy for everyone.

Anyway, back to the NBA- If I had two 40’s taped to both hands, I’d pour them both out for Kobe.  As a fan of watching basketball that involves no torn ligaments or non-contact injuries, I’m happy to see him out to pasture.  He’s D-O-N-E, but at the same time his final season was a masterpiece.  Just a total eff-you to everyone: his current teammates, the media, Shaq, Nike.  The list goes on.  He even saved two giant middle fingers for his final game: one for the Utah Jazz and one for the people hating on his farewell tour.  He dropped 60 plus a game winner to push the Jazz one game below .500 on the season.  Plus, it was easily the most entertaining game of the season, maybe second to that Warriors Thunder game where Steph drained the game winner and did the Bernie.  Kobe was the best.  Why should he pass the ball?  GIVE IT TO KOBE!!!

So... with that said- Here are my first round predictions, with their standard 1-2 game handicap, like it matters.  Starting with the West:

Thunder vs. who are they playing again?

Oh, that’s right the Dallas Mavericks made the playoffs again.  I think Shawn Marion still plays for them?  I dunno.  I’m also ready to see Dirk “Turd” Nowistki out to pasture.  Can he still play at a high level?  Sure.  Was I ever a huge fan of watching him play at a high level?  Not really.  He’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for beating the Miami Lebrons in the finals, though. 

Even though the Thunder outmatch Dallas by a longshot, no series featuring Russel Westbrook will end in a sweep thanks to him discovering some weird spell of 4^th quarter doo-doo magic.  At least twice per game, he’ll slash to the hoop, crush the rim, and scream at the crowd while the opposing point guard calmly pushes the ball back up the floor and hits a wide open jumper on the other end.  That kind of stuff is demoralizing.  Thunder in 5.

Dubs vs Rockets-

Bench Dwight Howard.  Just… bench him.  He’s opting out of his contract after the season.  He has sucked all year long, and Steph Curry steals rebounds from him.  Dubs in 4

Spurs vs Grizz

I really wish the Grizz could have played the Clips in the first round, just so I could watch Blake and Z-Bo get in phony brawls.  Unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Lance Stephenson falling on loose balls he created while trying to dribble past Kawhi Leonard.  From a competitive sports standpoint, this series should be a snoozer.  It’s really a bummer to see the Grizz roster so depleted. But from an entertainment standpoint, the new Grizz lineup is, at least…interesting.  The Grizz lead the league in guys who look like they would let Master P be their agent.  Spurs in 4.

Clips vs. Blazers

One of the worst developments in the 2016 season was DeAndre Jordan.  His free throws are painful to watch.  If you could put a camera on DMV officer mailing it in day after day, but condense it into a 2 second clip, that’s what watching him shoot free throws is like.   

One of the best developments in the 2016 season was Dame Lillard.  One of the first things I would buy if I was drunk and on eBay would be a grey “Rip City” Dame Dolla throwback.  He’s one of the top 3 points guards in the league and yes he’s better than Russel “can’t make an open 3 in a tight game to save my life” Westbrook.

The Blazers are one of my favorite teams.  The Clips and their bandwagon LA sports fans are one of my least favorite teams.  But, the Blazers won’t have enough firepower and the Clips will win in 6.

The Eastern Conference:

Heat vs. Charlotte Hornets

Umm, Who gives a crap?  I just hope Jeremy Lin cuts his stupid helmet hair.  Good God, Jeremy!  That’s no look for a Harvard man.  You look preposterous!  Heat in 5.

The Drakes vs. The Pacers:

Paul George can ball OUT, and if I were a gambler, I would never bet money on a team that starts Luis Scola.  Pacers in 6.

Boston vs. Atlanta

This is probably going to be the only competitive series in the first round of the playoffs, for what it’s worth.  Talent level is close on both sides.  Both have exceptional coaches.  The Celtics lead the league in guys who look like they would let T-Pain be their agent.  The Hawks have a baby Rondo from Germany with a weird blonde streak in his wig that has never been replicated, which is surprising considering half the league is still rocking the stupid Mohawk/Honeybadger look.  I think Isaiah Thomas is come up….short.  The Hawks and their godawful lime green accent court design will advance in 7.

Cavs v. Pistons   

I’d love to see the Pistons prevail here, but it won’t happen.  Stan Van Gundy is a great coach but when people say that the Pistons could make a run like the 2008 Orlando Magic they’re wrong because Reggie Jackson is no Rafer “Skip to my Lou” Alston.  Also, Andre Drummond has nothing on young Dwight Howard.  It feels weird to say those last two statements.   Also, who is advising Aaron Baynes on his “Deliverance” haircut/beard combo?  What is that?   Anyway, I get so fucking pumped watching Stan Van Gundy coach against Lebron and the Cavs, mostly because he’s right about them being a bunch of hoes.

 “Lebron’s Lebron.  They’re not gonna call offensive fouls on him and he’s gonna do whatever he wants.  They have to understand that”- SVG

"They’re not gonna outfight us.. they’re not gonna outwork us, and they’re not gonna play better together.”- SVG. 

I can’t wait to see how much he owes the league after this series.  I hope he pulls a Larry Flynt and pays it all in pennies.  For the Cavs, the David Blatt firing and weird passive-aggressive Twitter behavior from King James has clearly turned them into a constipated bunch who need to let out some aggression on eachother.  This is a team that needs a Kobe Bryant type leader… someone who’ll sack tap you in practice, make fun of your girly headband and your man tits, then dare you to come at him.  Speaking of Kevin Love, glad he finally ditched the wavy hair soccer band look.  Now he reminds me slightly less of Anthony Jr. from the Sopranos when he was going through is depression phase. Cavs in 6