What a great NBA regular season, and with that said, it
could have been so much better. There
were zero consequential trades, no fights on TV (all off camera), and a serious
lack of good teams losing. It was
basically propped up on both ends by the unbelievable Warriors and the unbelievably
dogshit LA Kobes. In between, there were
a lot of disappointing teams (Houston), newly minted fuckbois (D’Angelo Russel
& Blake Griffin), and troubling developments in the world of Hip-Hop (Drake). Drizzy’s performance (or lack thereof) in
Toronto on All-Star weekend was a major Valentine’s Day letdown for all the Good
Girls out there who know it. Those who
wanted his “hot love and emotion endlessly” had to settle for “sending out an
S.O.S.” Sigh…We’ll probably never
understand Aubrey Graham. 2016 was a big
transition year for @ChampagnePapi. One
year ago he was just a scrawny rudeboi running through the 6 with his woes, now
he’s charged up on that Barry Bonds regiment. One thing is for certain- Drake likes all his
S’s with two lines thru them shits. My
2017 Drake prediction is that his Dr. Dre steroid look is gonna transition into
a slightly chubby, constantly wearing diaper butt sweatpants look, sort of like
Kayne but more fashionable. Ugh… Kanye… that’s
a scary thought. Let’s hope that unlike
Kanye, Drake’s music stays on point, which should be easy for him if he avoids
the Kardashian family, which should be easy for him. Then again, avoiding the Kardashians should be
easy for everyone.
Anyway, back to the NBA- If I had two 40’s taped to both
hands, I’d pour them both out for Kobe. As
a fan of watching basketball that involves no torn ligaments or non-contact injuries, I’m happy to see
him out to pasture. He’s D-O-N-E, but at
the same time his final season was a masterpiece. Just a total eff-you to everyone: his current
teammates, the media, Shaq, Nike. The
list goes on. He even saved two giant
middle fingers for his final game: one for the Utah Jazz and one for the people
hating on his farewell tour. He dropped 60
plus a game winner to push the Jazz one game below .500 on the season. Plus, it was easily the most entertaining game
of the season, maybe second to that Warriors Thunder game where Steph drained
the game winner and did the Bernie. Kobe
was the best. Why should he pass
the ball? GIVE IT TO KOBE!!!
So... with that said- Here are my first round predictions,
with their standard 1-2 game handicap, like it matters. Starting with the West:
Thunder vs. who are
they playing again?
Oh, that’s right the Dallas Mavericks made the playoffs
again. I think Shawn Marion still plays
for them? I dunno. I’m also ready to see Dirk “Turd” Nowistki
out to pasture. Can he still play at a
high level? Sure. Was I ever a huge fan of watching him play at
a high level? Not really. He’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for
beating the Miami Lebrons in the finals, though.
Even though the Thunder outmatch Dallas by a longshot, no
series featuring Russel Westbrook will end in a sweep thanks to him discovering
some weird spell of 4th quarter doo-doo magic. At least twice per game, he’ll slash to the hoop,
crush the rim, and scream at the crowd while the opposing point guard calmly
pushes the ball back up the floor and hits a wide open jumper on the other
end. That kind of stuff is demoralizing. Thunder in 5.
Dubs vs Rockets-
Bench Dwight Howard. Just…
bench him. He’s opting out of his
contract after the season. He has sucked
all year long, and Steph Curry steals rebounds from him. Dubs in 4
Spurs vs Grizz
I really wish the Grizz could have played the Clips in the
first round, just so I could watch Blake and Z-Bo get in phony brawls. Unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Lance
Stephenson falling on loose balls he created while trying to dribble past Kawhi
Leonard. From a competitive sports
standpoint, this series should be a snoozer. It’s really a bummer to see the Grizz roster so
depleted. But from an entertainment standpoint, the new Grizz lineup is, at
least…interesting. The Grizz lead the
league in guys who look like they would let Master P be their agent. Spurs in 4.
Clips vs. Blazers
One of the worst developments in the 2016 season was DeAndre
Jordan. His free throws are painful to
watch. If you could put a camera on DMV
officer mailing it in day after day, but condense it into a 2 second clip, that’s
what watching him shoot free throws is like.
One of the best developments in the 2016 season was Dame
Lillard. One of the first things I would
buy if I was drunk and on eBay would be a grey “Rip City” Dame Dolla
throwback. He’s one of the top 3 points
guards in the league and yes he’s better than Russel “can’t make an open 3 in a
tight game to save my life” Westbrook.
The Blazers are one of my favorite teams. The Clips and their bandwagon LA sports fans
are one of my least favorite teams.
But, the Blazers won’t have enough firepower and the Clips will win in
6.
The Eastern
Conference:
Heat vs. Charlotte
Hornets
Umm, Who gives a crap?
I just hope Jeremy Lin cuts his stupid helmet hair. Good God, Jeremy! That’s no look for a Harvard man. You look preposterous! Heat in 5.
The Drakes vs. The
Pacers:
Paul George can ball OUT, and if I were a gambler, I would
never bet money on a team that starts Luis Scola. Pacers in 6.
Boston vs. Atlanta
This is probably going to be the only competitive series in
the first round of the playoffs, for what it’s worth. Talent level is close on both sides. Both have exceptional coaches. The Celtics lead the league in guys who look
like they would let T-Pain be their agent.
The Hawks have a baby Rondo from Germany with a weird blonde streak in
his wig that has never been replicated, which is surprising considering half the
league is still rocking the stupid Mohawk/Honeybadger look. I think Isaiah Thomas is come up….short. The Hawks and their godawful lime green
accent court design will advance in 7.
Cavs v. Pistons
I’d love to see the Pistons prevail here, but it won’t
happen. Stan Van Gundy is a great coach
but when people say that the Pistons could make a run like the 2008 Orlando
Magic they’re wrong because Reggie Jackson is no Rafer “Skip to my Lou” Alston. Also, Andre Drummond has nothing on young
Dwight Howard. It feels weird to say
those last two statements. Also, who is
advising Aaron Baynes on his “Deliverance” haircut/beard combo? What is that? Anyway, I get so fucking pumped watching Stan Van Gundy coach
against Lebron and the Cavs, mostly because he’s right about them being a bunch of
hoes.
“Lebron’s
Lebron. They’re not gonna call offensive
fouls on him and he’s gonna do whatever he wants. They have to understand that”- SVG
"They’re not gonna outfight us.. they’re not gonna outwork
us, and they’re not gonna play better together.”- SVG.
I can’t wait to see how much he owes the league after this
series. I hope he pulls a Larry Flynt and pays it all in pennies. For the Cavs, the David Blatt firing
and weird passive-aggressive Twitter behavior from King James has clearly turned
them into a constipated bunch who need to let out some aggression on eachother.
This is a team that needs a Kobe Bryant
type leader… someone who’ll sack tap you in practice, make fun of your girly
headband and your man tits, then dare you to come at him. Speaking of Kevin Love, glad he finally ditched
the wavy hair soccer band look. Now he
reminds me slightly less of Anthony Jr. from the Sopranos when he was going
through is depression phase. Cavs in 6
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