NBA Playoffs Round 2: Who's Drizzy goin' 0 to 100 with?

One of the underrated things to follow in the NBA is who Drake becomes a fan of once the Raptors are out of the running.  Toronto is done getting their dicks tied in a knot by the likes of Paul Pierce, but Drake ain't about to spend the rest of the playoffs at home bein' on some chill shit.  Whose locker room is Drizzy gonna try to break into come June? Man, Ain't NOO Tellin'.  The past couple of years, he's been a Miami Heat fan, I'm guessing because of his connections with Rick Ross, and of course because Miami was destined to win at least 1 title with Lebron.  This year, 'Bron is gone, and Chris Bosh's lungs are full of bloodclat, so the door is open for another superteam to get drunk with him and eat pizza on stage while he performs.  I'm guessing the "winning" team will be one in a city with clubs that go up on a Tuesday, star player(s) who like Drake, and a hip hop scene that is relatively unclaimed (Unlike Washington DC- Wale).  Bonus points thrown in for good throwback jerseys.  

Teams that have lost or are going to lose in the 1st round (I ain't trippin', let em rest in peace):

Pelicans, Celtics (RIP Jae Crowder), Bucks, Nets, Mavs (RIP Rondo), Blazers, and Clippers (I could end up being wrong on this one, but I won't)

Lest likely candidates to pick up Drake in round 2:

San Antonio, because the nightlife sucks there.  Tony Parker tried to start his own night club there when he was young and wanted make millions to work the night shift, but the club went tits up on a Tuesday because the only commercial leases available in San Antonio are strip malls.  Also, hard to imagine Kawhi Leonard listening to Drake.  I bet he likes Linkin Park.

Atlanta, because 2 Chainz already got more blocks in Atlanta than Dikembe.  No room for Aubrey here.

C'MON JOHN WALL!  D-UP TITTY BOI aka 2 CHAINZ!!. 

Memphis, because nobody really wants to hit the club with Z-Bo.  Cross him and he might make you disappear.  You probably don't want to risk pissing off the 3-6 Mafia either.  

Washington.  I know Drizzy and Paul Pierce are basically a couple like-minded bros with a similar style who happened to be on opposite sides of a playoff battle, but switchin' lanes isn't something the 6 God can really do.  Drake remember everythaaang.  This was cute, tho...

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a stone cold sober, hyper-focused athlete when a super blazed rapper tries to make conversation with them during a game.  Is it annoying to them?  Entertaining?  Motivating?  I'm very curious to know. 

Anyway, here are the most likely candidates to join Miami as Drake's 2nd favorite team:

Cleveland:  This one makes logical sense.  Drake could stay on the Lebron bandwagon and keep on "being media".  This would be a clean transition from being a Miami Heat fan.  However, the nightlife in Cleveland is terrible, so much so that JR Smith credits his improved play on the lack of clubbin' compared to NYC.  Hard to picture Drake doing a show at a dive bar full of depressed white folks.  On top of that, Lebron seems a bit more grown nowadays.  He lost the headband, moved back home for his wife and kids.  Maybe 'Bron realized "mu'fuckas never loved us" and turned the page on all that. 

Chicago:  I mean, it has all the right elements to appeal to Drake.  Urban city, hot night life, Jordan throwback jerseys.  Kanye is the biggest rapper from the Chi, but he might as well be the Sultan of Agrabah with his exotic wife and his weird-ass leather poopy pants.  Sounds like the territory is all yours if you want it, Aubrey.  You could slide right in like truffle butter.  The trick will be convincing the socially awkward Derek Rose into getting bombed and eating pizza with you at a nightclub.

I wonder if 100% of Kanye's ball sweat rolls down his pant legs and into his shoes, or just most of it.

Golden State:  This seems like a good fit.  Nightlife is great in the Bay, it's still urban despite the rapid gentrification, and the Warriors have some of the best throwback jerseys in league history. Plus, Steph Curry's whole on-court swagged out demeanor looks like he stole it from the "Started from the Bottom" video.  But, if Dreezy wants to be embraced by Oakland, he's gonna have to reach out to The Ambassador to The Bay, Mr. Earl "E-40" Fonzorelli Stevens, the greatest game spitter of all time, yet.  Normally I would venture to guess that Drake's ghetto report card doesn't have enough A-1's on it for 40 Water to join him in the studio, but then again Big $ean made it past the front door, so who knows? This is how I imagine the exchange going down:

Text from Drake:  "Yo Earl!  The 6 got love for the Bay, family.  We should get in the studio.  Oh, and let's get floor seats for Game 1 at Oracle.  You can look at my instagram while I flex for Jessica Alba."

Collect Call from E-40:  "What's cookin' pimperoni?  Me and my yeepolizations was thinking the same thing.  One problem, though.  My fetti on the inured list.  Lost all my yayper on a recent business venture.  Turns out nobody wants to pay $20/bottle for Mangostato aka Mad Dog 20/20 in a fancy bottle.  I'ma need you to pay for the studio time, nephew.  Scrimscramscribblydab!"

Drake: ........

So maybe not a great fit for Drake, but I could be wrong.

Houston:  I would bet 10 bands, 20 bands, 100 bands, fuck it man, on Drake becoming a Houston Rockets fan.  Drake has ins with Bun B, probably already owns a Robert Horry throwback, and I'm sure he probably already has kids, love interest, or a crush on a stripper in Houston.  I could easily imagine Dwight Howard and James Harden getting boozed up at The Mink and eatin' pizza while Drake runs through the 6 with his WOES!

Whatever happens, the thing for us all to remember before we join the bandwagon of people trying to troll Drake is that Drake is way way way blessed.  He hardly forgets anything.  He lives vicariously through himself.  He is media.  One day we'll all gain an understanding of how this goes.  He wrote it in code, then wrote it in stone.  ...or whatever the fuck he's talking about on Twitter, I'm lost.  

You know I got's to make these 1st round predictions

Western Conference:

Dubs V. Pelicans:  I really would love to love the Warriors, but I only just like them.  I was poised to jump on the bandwagon last year when I bought an Andre Iguodala replica jersey, but when the TV camera turns to the fans at Oracle Arena, I realize I don’t want to be associated with this:

and especially not THIS:

There’s a lot to like here, even if these little Silicon Valley trust fund shitheads represent the Warriors fanbase.  Steph Curry’s jumper is so wet he doesn’t even watch it go in anymore.  The roster is stacked.  Draymond Green might be my favorite old-school style player.  I also get to entertain myself during Warriors games with fun thoughts like  “I wonder if I could bench press more than Steph Curry”, or “I heard Sean Livingston reached between the spigots and yanked on Dirk’s Nowitskis.  Let’s google that.”  Also, a word of warning: googling youtube videos of Sean Livingston will send you down a rabbit hole of gruesome sports injuries, including Golden State's own Andrew Bogut turning his arm into a backwards arm.  Anyway, I like the Warriors to win this series in 6, but I’ll admit I’m rooting for the Pelicans here.  Not because of Anthony Davis, who I do like, but because I’m going to Nawlins in a few weeks.  If the Pilicans advance, I can add playoff basketball to my already exciting agenda of crushing Purple Daiquiri’s and eating crawfish po’boys until my trap door fails.

Spurs v.  Clip Show

Because the West is so stacked, there was bound to be at least one tragic 1^st round matchup.  This is that one.  Both of these teams are good enough to make the West Finals.  S'here matchup features the majesty of Chris Paul (and his not so impressive physique) breaking ankles and tossing it up to a big ol' Redbone for some of the most powerful dunks of the year.  By the way, I know I bag on CP3 every year, but he looks like Carlton standing next to Bar Rafaeli.  C'mon, Chris!  FLEEEEEX

On the other side of the court, we have Lebron kryptonite.  Sugar K Leonard can wreck CP3's whole afternoon by knocking the ball loose, grabbing it off the floor with one hand, flinging it through the net in 1.2 seconds, and reacting like a marathon runner on the lookout for a porta-potty.   The Spurs are slowly going to squeeze the life out of CP3 by making him chase perimeter passes.  Eventually, Tim Duncan is gonna prepare his New Balance BB82's for liftoff and uncork a one-handed cliffhanger style dunk in Blake Griffin’s face that'll shake Redbone to his core.  Shots will stop going in for the Clip show, the Spurs will advance in 7.

Blazers v. Grizzlies

Fuck this matchup, honestly.  It could have been soo good, but the Blazers are so banged up they’re barely a shade of themselves.  The Grizzlies are also dead in the water in round 2 if Mike Conley’s foot needs to be wrapped in a pillow every 5 minutes.  I do enjoy watching Z-Bo get turnt up, tho.  His vertical leap probably peaked in High School and has been declining ever since, but he somehow pulls offensive rebounds like there’s a black hole beneath him.  I like to imagine Z-Bo going home after the game and running an organized crime syndicate from a burner stashed in his home theater.  I also like to imagine Marc Gasol preparing for a game by tearing through a whole rack of ribs like it’s made out of tissue paper.  Another thing I like to imagine is Juicy J rolling blunts and dipping them in codeine while he watches Inside the NBA, and I bet he LOVES Shaqtin' a Fool.   Grizzlies in 6. 

The James Harden's vs. Mark Cuban’s turd sandwich

Ugh.  The Mavs?  They’re no fun to watch.  Dirk, Tyson Chandler, JJ Barrea…  it’s like they tried to re-create the team that beat Miami in the Finals 4 years ago.  Rondo is clearly over it, which makes him a perfect fit for the Lakers next year.  Chandler Parsons is better at looking like Ryan Scheckler than he is at playing basketball.  Their best player is Monte Ellis…. Somehow that was enough for the 7 seed in the stacked West?  I mean, Dallas is a pretty good team all around, but if I was playing “kill, fuck, marry” with all the teams in the playoffs, the Mavs and the Nets would be a “kill” every time.  Dirk won his title.  Time to move on.  

James Harden is going to eviscerate this assembly of turdz with his black magic, flicka da wrist basketball voodoo.  I’m not sure how he pulls it off over and over again, but HE’S DRIVING LEFT AND HE’S GONNA LEAN IN FOR A FOUL!!.  Somehow nobody can stop him.  It’s amazing.  Nobody likes Dwight Howard, though.  That much is clear.  I have a theory that he eats 6 lbs of chicken breast and hot dogs cooked on a George Foreman grill every day, and the whole front row is just getting wafted with his meat farts.  He is still a man among boys in this matchup, though.  Rockets in 5.

The Eastern Conference:

This year’s first round in the D-League Eastern Conference features 3 series sweeps and one “who gives a shit” series. 

Teams who won’t win a playoff game:  Milwaukee, Boston, and Brooklyn.  I like the Greek Freak, but not this year.  Boston has some intrigue to me because they were about to tank, then the Phoenix Suns pooped the bed so hard, Boston made the playoffs.  Not sure why the Suns traded Isaiah Thomas, but I’m sure someone should be fired for it.  Brooklyn is a bunch of hot overpaid garbage and their owner is a Russian billionaire, which means he’s probably done some extremely immoral shit.

Toronto and Washington might be worth the watch if John Wall breaks out, but their coach is lost.   Toronto would be more interesting if they tried to do anything to improve their marketability other than associate themselves with Drake.  Having your head of basketball operations stand in the city center yelling “FUCK PAUL PIERCE” is not very good marketing.   Their on-court play is, in a word, yuck.  Neither one of these teams could beat the Utah Jazz in a 7 game series.

The important thing in the East is that somebody better beat Lebron.  The fact that the East sucks so bad makes me dislike Lebron even more.  He stayed in the East because he knows it's easy to make the finals.  Part of me wants a Cavs v Spurs final so we can see this again.  Man, Lebron is such a bitch.

And with that, here’s to 2 months of my fiancé watching Netflix on the iPad while I stream league pass on the big screen, sneak IPA’s and listen to 2 Chainz.