Some quick hits after the Dubs tie it up

As an NBA fan, I breathed a sigh of relief yesterday.  That game was either going one of 2 ways:  either Warrior do what they did, or the Cavs win in demoralizing fashion and win the series in 5.  Thankfully, Steve Kerr got wise and stopped playing Andrew Bogut, and we can look forward to a hard-fought series where the best team (The Dubs) wins.  The best thing about the Dubs winning, is the Cavs losing.  Specifially, the best things about the Cavs losing are:

1. JR Smith is the Finals Least Valuable Player

JR is "The Situation" from Jersey Shore.  He's black Justin Beiber.  From the moment he showed up to game 4 on a segway, to the moment he left game 4 on a segway, there's no doubt his presence is poison to any group of men trying to accomplish something.  When the trade went down to grab JR and Iman Shumpert from the Knicks, everyone thought the sweetener in that trade was Iman Shumpert.  Then, everyone forgot about Iman when JR started lighting up the terrible Atlanta Hawks.  Now, Cavs fans are sorely reminded that taking on JR Smith was the price they paid to grab Shumpert, the less fucky of the 2 biggest fuckbois in the finals.  The way games 2 and 3 played out, I thought for sure Andrew Bogut was gonna win LVP with his 3-4 loose ball fouls per game, but JR pried it from his cold, dead hands.  Probably the best case scenario for this finals is that it goes to 7 games, game 7 comes down to the last shot, and JR Smith takes and misses it.  That would be NBA ecstasy, and I could totally see it happening.

By the way, if for some reason the Dubs find a way to lose this series, Bogut can come from behind to take LVP.  3 fouls in 3 minutes, one being a jersey grab on Mozgov, is pathetic.  How did this guy make the NBA All Defensive team?  Proof that Andrew Bogut is not as good as Andrew Bogut thinks he is.  

2. Speaking of Australians, Matt Dellavedova's parents are cousins

ABC blessed us with a little graphic of Dellavedova when he played college ball at St. Mary's.  Wowsers.  Leading with your teeth is not a safe way to play basketball.  He rocks a mouthguard out of necessity.  Anyway, it's not totally untrue what I said about his parents being cousins, because Australia is a country founded by a colony of prisoners.  Somewhere along the line, some Adam and Eve theory shit went down.  The best quote from last night's game goes to my future wife.  "That little boy, the one with the cramps, looks like a Lord of the Rings hobbit".  And she's right.  What has more hair?  Bogut's face or Dellavedova's feet?

3.  Lebron lost game 4, then joined a long list of celebrities with exposed dicks on the internet

Thanks to ABC cameras all up in his business catching him adjusting his grapes and banana before the game (fully exposed, NSFW).  I almost feel bad for the guy.  His head is bleeding a little, he lost a finals game, he's tired, sore, looking for a distraction, so he pulls up his phone, checks his twitter, and BOOM his dick is on the internet.  That's a bad beat, player.

I'm not gonna post a link here, just google it.  Ladies, be prepared to be disappointed.  Guys, be prepared to be encouraged.  I don't want to take too much away from King James here.  I can't imagine myself being much of a "shower" during an athletic competition.  But Lebron and Greg Oden are strong reminders to us every day folks that just because there are gigantic, athletic freaks of nature out there who make us look like dwarfs, it doesn't mean they're that much bigger than us where it counts. 

4. Lebron should have never made that Kevin Love trade.  

When Lebron talks about his "secret motivation" to win this series, either Warner Brothers has promised him Space Jam 2 if he wins his 3rd ring, or.... it's clear that he's motivated by his desire to be compared to '98 Jordan, who single handedly carried the Bulls over the Jazz while Scottie Pippen nursed a back injury.  If he wins this title after losing Love and Kyrie, it will be legendary.  But, here's where Lebron being Hollywood AF comes into play:  he never believed he was capable of winning a title without the help of Kevin Love.  If 'Bron didn't think he needs at least 2 more superstars on the roster, he would have never demanded that trade to happen.  It was a "win right now" move, at the cost of winning even more later on.  It's not like Lebron has always imagined himself pulling off a "98 Jordan".  The opportunity presented itself, and now he's dropping "secret motivation" hints that have Brian "Hometown Buffet" Windhorst swinging from his balls telling everyone that Lebron is even better than Jordan.

The Cavs had the rookie of the year on their roster, a future superstar, and someone who could carry the torch for Cleveland (along with Kyrie) when Lebron eventually wears down.  After Love got his arm yanked off by Father Kelly Olynik, it became clearly apparent that Lebron never needed ANY help to make it to the Finals in the Eastern Conference.  He could go to the Knicks next year and the Knicks would make the finals. 

Anyway, my point is this:  imagine if it was Wiggins instead of JR Smith taking those Lebron kick-outs with a wide open lane to the basket.  Lebron would have been in the finals either way.  'Bron fucked up with that trade.

NBA Finals Drinking Game

Well, shit.  It looks like my mode of watching NBA playoffs with no real passionate rooting interest is in the past.  Before the finals started, I was just happy to have no more Atlanta Hawks, no more Dwight "Champion no matter what" Howard, and no more Atlanta god damn Hawks.  I was fairly certain the Warriors would put the Cavs away in 6 after eventually shooting the lights out of Oracle Arena, but today the Cavs are up 2-1, and it's not looking good for Oakland errrr.. San Francisco?  I was really looking forward to making jokes about how close together David Blatt's eyes are and calling the Cavs a bunch of fuckbois.  You know what, though?  Who are the fuckbois in this series, really?

JR Smith and Iman Shumpert are clearly Dwight Howard's kin.  They were given away for peanuts by Phil Jackson, and even though the Knicks became worse than the LA Sparks afterwards, you couldn't really fault Zen Master for trading them.  If it wasn't for fear of Lebron murdering them, these 2 would leave the huddle and start instagramming the dance squad.  Kendrick Perkins and Kevin Love are def fuckboi's, but they're not a factor in this series.  Lebron, as much as I dislike the guy, is no fuckboi.  Dellavedova?  Dirty player in my opinion, but he's definitely 'bout that life.  So, really, the Cavs are not nearly as fuckboi as Houston or even the Clippers.  They're more like the Seattle Seahawks.  You hate 'em, but they're undeniably good.  These first 3 finals games have me looking in the mirror at my opinions of the Golden State Warriors.

First of all, if I was a Warriors fan, which I'm decidedly undecided about, my ryde or dies would be Iguodala, Livingston, and Curry because he's the MVP.  Behind that, in terms of likeability, you've got Klay, who was total garbage in rounds 1-3 and is finally starting to play alright.  You've got David Lee, who would be starting if he wasn't a known liability on defense, but he does look like the guy from Avatar.  You've got Barbosa, who should really consider not shooting anymore unless he's flat footed and wide open. You've got Speights, who looks like he's gained weight since the playoffs started.  You've got Harrison Barnes, who is playing like a law school student about to fail the bar exam because of test anxiety.  You've got Bogut, who looks like Pau Gasol if he was fat, out of shape, and couldn't shoot.    Ezeli, who should be threatened with the loss of his playoff bonus if doesn't stop sucking so terribly.  And in a shocking descent from fan favorite, I would have to say the least likable Warrior of all is Draymond Green, who should spend the entire rest of the series on the bench if he tries to meet Mozgov at the rim one more time.  Getting swatted by a 7'2" Russian, 3 times in the same game, is a sign that you're too short to go at him.  When it comes to Draymond, the "Beats" commercial was strike one with me.  Arguing with the refs after every foul call?  Strike 2.  Getting repeatedly pwnd in the finals by the same guy who first became famous for being posterized by Blake Griffin?  Strike 3.  You suck.

Draymond probably argued with the refs for a foul after this, too

So, really, the Warriors have been extremely unlikable in this series.  Outside of Iguodala, every player has folded under the pressure.  The one feeling the pressure the most?  Steph Curry.  Now, I know the Cavs game plan has been "put Steph's nuts on the dresser and don't let them get outside of striking distance of a spiked bat", but that's no excuse for him throwing the ball behind his back to nobody and air-balling game winners.  His body language is the same as Riley's when she's told "it's bed time".  Steph is the MVP, but it's hard to imagine James Harden, CP3, Westbrook, or even Mike Conley going out like this.  The troubling this for Warriors fans is this:  Steph Curry is an MVP in the mold that Steve Nash was.  He's a game-changer, flips the rock like we've never seen before, makes the absolute most out of a small white guy physique, and is the most skilled player in the world.  He makes teams change the way they play defense.  But... when it's time to just stomp on the other teams dicks while their family looks on, does he have that in him?  Kobe didn't reinvent anything, he just copied Jordan's game.  But, he won 5 by being ruthless.  He cold-clocked Mike Bibby, turned Shaq into a raging bull, beat Garnett under the boards, maybe got away with rape, punked Ron Artest then made him his teammate, and let his nuts dangle in Tim Duncan's face.  Steph needs to channel his inner Kobe to be more than just a Steve Nash, and if he does, he'll be an all-time great.

I actually get nervous watching these games because the thought of Lebron winning infuriates me.  He is so Hollywood, he makes WWE seem real.  If he wins his 3rd ring, his postgame interview could be confused with a person being rescued off of K2 after an avalanche.  The only way you can ruin your greatness is by scripting it.  He's working as hard on his game as he is on tricking us into believing the hype.  Making people think Cleveland was a downgrade from Miami was his first act.  Somehow people believed the Cavs are better off when someone other than Lebron (Kyrie) is the primary ball handler.  For some reason Brian Windhorst believes that Lebron is a team-first, good locker room guy, but come on: it's not like he ever chatted it up with Matt Dellavedova, ever.  He's "a father figure" to his teammates as much as he was "friends" with Drake when he played in Miami.  I'm rooting hard for no more cold tub videos featuring Lebron & his fuckboi rap crew,  Plus, a Cavs title means Brian Windhorst has more of a reason to exist, and I just can't live like that.

Anyway, like I said, I'm a bundle of nerves during these games, and if you're as nervous as me, I think I have the cure.  If anything beats watching the NBA playoffs, it's watching the NBA playoffs with a firmly established buzz..  If you're lucky enough to be watching this nice little piece of TV, featuring such match ups as "Steph vs The Food in Dellavedova's beard" or Klay Thompson vs. Klay Thompson, or "Lebron vs. Cramps", then you should take the time to enjoy it with a cold brew in hand.

Items needed to gain a proper NBA Finals buzz:
-Some friends
-Beer or cocktail of choice
-A 6 pack of Sprite "Lebron's Mix"
-A pitcher
-A raw, peeled onion
-An "asshole" hat (or Lebron Miami Heat jersey)

Drinking Game Rules:

1. The asshole is whoever is rooting for the Cavs.  If there's more than 1, you're all assholes.  And you have to buy a Lebron Miami Heat jersey on ebay.

2. The Standard "Everybody drinks anytime _________ happens"

Lebron Dunks

Steph hits a 3

JR Smith does something stupid

They talk about Cavs injuries

Steve Kerr mic'd up gives a shitty motivational speech

Klay Thompson misses a shot he would make if it wasn't the playoffs

Matthew Dellavedova dives on the floor.

The camera shows a famous rapper.

ESPN shows a graphic comparing Lebron and Jordan stats.

Mike Tirico says "BANG!"

Mike Tirico says "...and just like that, it's a (10) point game" or any variation of that statement

Jeff Van Gundy expresses distaste for something the refs do.  Example: Overturning a call, "even if it's the wrong call, be consistent"

Mark Jackson's accent is super thick.  Example: "tha best shootah on tha plant"

3. The asshole has to drink anytime________:

During the entire Kia commercial starring Lebron, the asshole has to drink with his feet up in a reclining position as through he were Lebron in the back of his fake Maybach.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, not giving a shit.

Iguodala dunks

Lebron Misses

The camera shows Steph Curry's mom.

David Blatt looks like he's on Quaaludes

Mark Jackson says "Mama, there goes that man".  BONUS, ASSHOLE: If Mark then immediately says "Hand down, man down", the asshole has to finish his beer.

Draymond Green scores

Jeff Van Gundy dotes over this guy:

If the TV shows the Sprite "Lebron's Mix" commercial the asshole can either pound an entire beer or pound an entire Sprite Lebron's mix

When Lebron gets "cramps", everybody pour the rest of their drink into the pitcher, along with a Sprite Lebron's Mix.  Asshole drinks it as soon as Lebron scores again.

If the camera pans to Cleveland fans holding hands in prayer, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

4.  The asshole can dole out punishment (everyone else drinks) if:

JR Smith hits a 3.

Lebron sails in for a monster block.

Bogut gets called for loose ball foul.  The "holding him by his jersey" variety means you have to drink extra.

Klay Thompson blows another layup.  However, if Klay Thompson connects on a layup, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, and he appears to give a shit.

The camera shows Rihanna courtside, no bra

If the camera shows Steph Curry's mom, and upon realizing she's on camera, she gives a look like she just walked into a strip club and saw Dell covered in strippers, the asshole can pick someone to take a bite out of the raw onion.

5. YOU have to do a naked lap around the block if:

You say Lebron is better than Jordan