Man, the Raptors suck.
Lebron has now been to the NBA finals 6 years in a row. Sick of this! Out of all the teams Lebron has
beaten in the Eastern conference finals, this Raptors team is easily the
worst. They needed 7 games to beat Paul
George all by himself and another 7 games to beat Dwayne Wade and Goran
Dragic. Nothing against those guys, but
PG-13 snapped his leg in half a year ago and D Wade hasn’t had left knee
cartilage for years. I don’t think even
Toronto expected to win a game, let alone 2 against Lebron. They were so satisfied with themselves after
tying the series, they basically went on vacation right then and there. Half their roster was spotted at 2am at a
casino the night before game 5, then they went out and lost by 40. FORTY!
They followed that up by getting pounded in game 6 in front of their
home crowd. That’s the lamest possible
way to end a playoff run, for probably one of the lamest rosters in the league. Let’s call out some names:
Kyle Lowry and Demar
Derozan:
Toronto’s 2 best players.
The running narrative for the Raptors playoff run was “both of these
guys have been in a terrible shooting slump lately”. That went on for 3 straight series. It’s not a slump if your shooting has been
poor for 20 games. They just
aren’t that good. They tried to blame it
on “playoff jitters” and thought that the cure would be “putting on a hoodie
and practicing jump shots in the gym till 1am”
If you need to stay up late practicing your jumpshot during the playoffs,
it’s too late. That’s something you do
in the summer.
Demarre Carroll:
Toronto’s biggest free-agent signing ever (this is a
fact). He signed a new deal with Toronto
and decided “U know what? I'm gonna add a little extra spice to my dreadlock ponytail and bleach the tips like Young Thug!” He went from being an “under-the-radar guy,
good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a very lame #2 seed in the East to
being an “under-the-radar guy, good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a
very lame #2 seed in the East. He had
the opportunity to go wherever he wanted and he picked almost the exact same
situation as he had in Atlanta. The only
difference is now he pays way more taxes, and instead of 2 Chainz, Drake has a
front row seat to watch him get his nards smashed by Lebron.
Luis Scola:
It’s not a coincidence came back to beat the Pacers after benching him. This guy
has been getting his playoff dick run over for years. He still has tread marks on his nuts from Pau
Gasol back when Metta World Peace was Ron Artest and played for the Houston
Rockets. He’s been a washed up veteran
who can’t defend the pick and roll since…fucking Yao Ming! He came off the bench with Dikembe Mutombo! How was this guy in the starting lineup?
Jonas Valenciunas:
Got injured and started dressing like a coke dealer. A camo blazer, dawg? Is your stylist a bathroom
attendant at the gentlemen’s club?
Drizzy Raptor:
Ok, so not an actual player, but I need to call him
out. I watch my games on the NBA TV
streaming app, which rocks because instead of TV commercials I get to see all
the live in-game entertainment like Kiss Cam, the “local kidz hip-hop dance
troupe” and the guys who sky off trampolines for monster jams with tiny
basketballs. Toronto has a regular
in-game feature they call “Drizzy Raptor” which is a Raptor mascot wearing a
hoodie underneath a leather jacket and jeans, apparently intended to look like
something Drake would wear. He holds a
fake microphone and does a dance routine to some of Drakes latest hits. He even does Drake’s signature dance moves like “sit in a chair be grinded on”. First of all, nobody but Aubrey is gonna pull
off the hotline bling moves and look cool.
Second, you can move your hips and samba all you want, but you’ll never
capture the raw sex and emotion of Drake and Rihanna in the “Work” video. Third, and most important- why is Drake not
just doing a short live performance? He
just dropped “Views”, he’s doing a tour, what better way to promote your album
than a live performance at a nationally televised NBA game?
Can I preach about "The Media" for a minute?
I’m weird; I like to watch the postgame interviews. It’s entertaining to see the body language of
the players after a big win or loss, and to read into it. The only problem is 99% of the questions
don’t produce entertaining answers. “Hey
Steph- down 3 games to 1, coming back and winning game 5, then game 6, now
you’re going back to the finals again.
Can you just describe how it feels?”
“Hey Draymond- after game 4 you said you weren’t playing like
yourself. What did you do to turn it
around?” Like, what answer could they
possibly give that you couldn’t already imagine? Steph had a stroke of genius last season
letting Riley derail the whole interview process- at least then it was
entertaining.
Someone should give a medal to the lady who asked “do you
think Steph is underrated as a defender” to KD and Russ. That was pure theater, seeing those guys
laugh and then watching Steph demolish Russ 2 games in a row. Here are 10 more BURNING HOT interviews
questions that should be asked:
1. Hey, Russ and KD, 2 part question: are golf hats
the new Stetson hats, and if so who killed the Pharrell look? Was it Tristan Thompson?
2. Hey, Russ- your critics have said that you play
a little too fast and need to slow down sometimes. Have you considered cutting greenies out of
your pregame routine, or is that the only way you can get down?
3. Hey, Steph- Is your rivalry with Russ strictly
basketball, or are you guys also having a dumb outfit showdown?
4. This question is actually for JR- Swish, a girl
with Kim K’s body and Lebron’s face or Lebron’s body and Kim K’s face?
5. Hey, Klay- We all know you partake in a little “herbal
healing” in the offseason- when you’re actually lifted can anybody tell, or do
you look even more “Irie” when you “sip upon the chalice”?
6. Hey, Draymond- so, of all the people he could
have texted after OKC dominated you guys in game 4, Kobe texted you? Not the 2 guys on the other team that he
played in the Olympics with? Yes or no-
did you make that up?
7. Hey, Lebron- what required more effort on your
part- making it to the finals 6 straight times or getting Warner Brothers to
give you the numbers you wanted for Space Jam 2?
8. Yo Bron- does it make you mad to see a guy with
less pubes than your oldest son getting voted as the unanimous MVP or are you
cool off your 4 trophies and 2 rings?
9. Hey, Bron Bron- in space jam 1, when Jordan
realized he’s in a cartoon world and can do things he can’t do it real life, he
made his arm stretch 50 feet long so he could dunk from half court. What fantasy world thing are you gonna do in
space jam 2? Will it be shooting 3’s off
the dribble like Steph?
10. Hey, King James- would you rather have Andrew Wiggins or whatever draft picks
you’re getting for Kevin Love this summer?
