Can I hate on the Raptors for a minute?

Man, the Raptors suck.  Lebron has now been to the NBA finals 6 years in a row.  Sick of this! Out of all the teams Lebron has beaten in the Eastern conference finals, this Raptors team is easily the worst.  They needed 7 games to beat Paul George all by himself and another 7 games to beat Dwayne Wade and Goran Dragic.  Nothing against those guys, but PG-13 snapped his leg in half a year ago and D Wade hasn’t had left knee cartilage for years.  I don’t think even Toronto expected to win a game, let alone 2 against Lebron.   They were so satisfied with themselves after tying the series, they basically went on vacation right then and there.  Half their roster was spotted at 2am at a casino the night before game 5, then they went out and lost by 40.  FORTY!  They followed that up by getting pounded in game 6 in front of their home crowd.  That’s the lamest possible way to end a playoff run, for probably one of the lamest rosters in the league.  Let’s call out some names:

Kyle Lowry and Demar Derozan:

Toronto’s 2 best players.  The running narrative for the Raptors playoff run was “both of these guys have been in a terrible shooting slump lately”.  That went on for 3 straight series.  It’s not a slump if your shooting has been poor for 20 games.  They just aren’t that good.  They tried to blame it on “playoff jitters” and thought that the cure would be “putting on a hoodie and practicing jump shots in the gym till 1am”  If you need to stay up late practicing your jumpshot during the playoffs, it’s too late.  That’s something you do in the summer. 

Demarre Carroll:

Toronto’s biggest free-agent signing ever (this is a fact).  He signed a new deal with Toronto and decided “U know what? I'm gonna add a little extra spice to my dreadlock ponytail and bleach the tips like Young Thug!”  He went from being an “under-the-radar guy, good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a very lame #2 seed in the East to being an “under-the-radar guy, good defender who can shoot the 3 ball” on a very lame #2 seed in the East.  He had the opportunity to go wherever he wanted and he picked almost the exact same situation as he had in Atlanta.  The only difference is now he pays way more taxes, and instead of 2 Chainz, Drake has a front row seat to watch him get his nards smashed by Lebron.

Luis Scola:

It’s not a coincidence came back to beat the Pacers after benching him.  This guy has been getting his playoff dick run over for years.  He still has tread marks on his nuts from Pau Gasol back when Metta World Peace was Ron Artest and played for the Houston Rockets.  He’s been a washed up veteran who can’t defend the pick and roll since…fucking Yao Ming!  He came off the bench with Dikembe Mutombo!  How was this guy in the starting lineup?

Jonas Valenciunas:

Got injured and started dressing like a coke dealer.  A camo blazer, dawg?  Is your stylist a bathroom attendant at the gentlemen’s club?

Drizzy Raptor:

Ok, so not an actual player, but I need to call him out.  I watch my games on the NBA TV streaming app, which rocks because instead of TV commercials I get to see all the live in-game entertainment like Kiss Cam, the “local kidz hip-hop dance troupe” and the guys who sky off trampolines for monster jams with tiny basketballs.  Toronto has a regular in-game feature they call “Drizzy Raptor” which is a Raptor mascot wearing a hoodie underneath a leather jacket and jeans, apparently intended to look like something Drake would wear.  He holds a fake microphone and does a dance routine to some of Drakes latest hits.  He even does Drake’s signature dance moves like “sit in a chair be grinded on”.  First of all, nobody but Aubrey is gonna pull off the hotline bling moves and look cool.  Second, you can move your hips and samba all you want, but you’ll never capture the raw sex and emotion of Drake and Rihanna in the “Work” video.  Third, and most important- why is Drake not just doing a short live performance?  He just dropped “Views”, he’s doing a tour, what better way to promote your album than a live performance at a nationally televised NBA game?      

Can I preach about "The Media" for a minute?

I’m weird; I like to watch the postgame interviews.  It’s entertaining to see the body language of the players after a big win or loss, and to read into it.  The only problem is 99% of the questions don’t produce entertaining answers.  “Hey Steph- down 3 games to 1, coming back and winning game 5, then game 6, now you’re going back to the finals again.  Can you just describe how it feels?”  “Hey Draymond- after game 4 you said you weren’t playing like yourself.  What did you do to turn it around?”  Like, what answer could they possibly give that you couldn’t already imagine?  Steph had a stroke of genius last season letting Riley derail the whole interview process- at least then it was entertaining.

Someone should give a medal to the lady who asked “do you think Steph is underrated as a defender” to KD and Russ.  That was pure theater, seeing those guys laugh and then watching Steph demolish Russ 2 games in a row.  Here are 10 more BURNING HOT interviews questions that should be asked:

1. Hey, Russ and KD, 2 part question: are golf hats the new Stetson hats, and if so who killed the Pharrell look?  Was it Tristan Thompson?

2.  Hey, Russ- your critics have said that you play a little too fast and need to slow down sometimes.  Have you considered cutting greenies out of your pregame routine, or is that the only way you can get down?

3. Hey, Steph- Is your rivalry with Russ strictly basketball, or are you guys also having a dumb outfit showdown?

4. This question is actually for JR- Swish, a girl with Kim K’s body and Lebron’s face or Lebron’s body and Kim K’s face?

5.  Hey, Klay- We all know you partake in a little “herbal healing” in the offseason- when you’re actually lifted can anybody tell, or do you look even more “Irie” when you “sip upon the chalice”?

6. Hey, Draymond- so, of all the people he could have texted after OKC dominated you guys in game 4, Kobe texted you?  Not the 2 guys on the other team that he played in the Olympics with?  Yes or no- did you make that up?

7. Hey, Lebron- what required more effort on your part- making it to the finals 6 straight times or getting Warner Brothers to give you the numbers you wanted for Space Jam 2?

8. Yo Bron- does it make you mad to see a guy with less pubes than your oldest son getting voted as the unanimous MVP or are you cool off your 4 trophies and 2 rings?

9. Hey, Bron Bron- in space jam 1, when Jordan realized he’s in a cartoon world and can do things he can’t do it real life, he made his arm stretch 50 feet long so he could dunk from half court.  What fantasy world thing are you gonna do in space jam 2?  Will it be shooting 3’s off the dribble like Steph?

10. Hey, King James- would you rather have Andrew Wiggins or whatever draft picks you’re getting for Kevin Love this summer?

NBA Playoffs round 1, you sucked.

Well, the first round of the playoffs was pretty damn disappointing, unless you enjoy watching Steph Curry and CP3 get injured and seeing the Charlotte Bobcats fold like a lawnchair in the franchise's first meaningful game ever. Hopefully the Drakes and the D-Wades becomes an entertaining series between 2 talented teams that like to blow 4th quarter leads.  I also have high hopes for Spurs v Westbrook and I think the Dubs v Blazers will be sneaky entertaining.  Mostly, though, I'm stuck with some burning questions after round 1:

Did that really just happen to the Clippers?

I mean, I don’t feel bad for any of them except maybe Chris Paul.  But, if you didn’t believe in the Donald Sterling curse, you should now.  Literally less than 36 hours after their window to the finals miraculously opened in the form of a Steph Curry MCL, Chris Paul broke his hand on a jersey, and Blake Griffin’s quadriceps decided it was tired of hanging on to his knee ligaments.  So, yeah.  They’ve got no window.  They should have traded Blake but they didn’t, Jamal Crawford & CP3 are getting old, DeAndre Jordan is still not very good at anything but jumping, and the only young guy on their roster who might improve is the coach’s son, who followed up a pretty impressive black eye performance by giving an eye roller of a press conference that would make even Dwight Howard proud.  He fake cried like 4 times, his voice quivered when he talked about Jamal Crawford “the best teammate he’s ever had”, and he declared that he’s “come a long way, man”.   Yeah, Austin.  You’ve come a long way, man.   From being son of Doc, a man who humbly coached a scrappy little basketball team in Boston to an NBA championship, to struggling to earn a name for yourself at a little school with a funny name in North Carolina, to fighting to earn a bench spot on your Dad’s team, to playing big minutes in a playoff game because the 2^nd best point guard in the league broke his hand.  Wow, man.  Started from the bottom, now you’re here.  I hope you have a self-gratifying fishing trip this summer.  You’ve earned it, son of Glen.

Is “We the North” one of the dumbest, or THE dumbest NBA marketing phrase ever?

It’s pretty dumb.  I mean, I get what they’re trying to say: “We are the Northernmost basketball city in the NBA”.  Not that there’s anything cool about that fact, but for the sake of argument, maybe they wanted to capture, in a phrase, their identity of being the only NBA franchise in Canada… “We the North” is what they came up with.  Was there some kind of 13 character limit?  “We are the North” at least sounds like a coherent thought.  Maybe they omitted “are” to try make it sound like something Drake would say?  If that’s the case, why even use a proper “the”?  Why not roll with “We da North”?.  It’s a slippery slope, I guess.  From there you might as well go with “We da Norf” or “We da Nort, mon.  Work, work, work work work he see me do me Dirt dirt dirt dirt dirt.”  There’s a thin line between Drizzy and Rihanna.  They should’ve just scratched that whole idea, made OVO a partner and changed their mascot to the Owl.

How you gonna put “Buzz City” on your jersey and act like you weren’t just the Bobcats? 

 This is for sure: “We the North” is at least not dumber than “Buzz City”.  Not even the Bobcats fans would wear the free t-shirts, and that’s saying something considering a purple dress shirt and the Karate Kid bandana is acceptable fashion at Bobcats games.  It sounds like something from Space Jam, and this version of the logo kind of looks like a generic pop flavor.

It’s crazy to think the Bobcats had a shot at the 2nd round.  I couldn’t name their starting 5 to save my life.  I’m not even entirely sure of a single starting player on their team.  Does Jeremy Lin start, or does Kemba Walker?  Do they still have Gerald Henderson and Josh McRoberts?  Did Stephen Jackson retire?  Would Jordan have played if they made the conference finals and showed Lebron what real post moves look like?   How many pounds of Elmer’s glue does Jeremy Lin go through in a week?  Does he ruin the towels he dries his hair with? 

Did Curry strain his MCL trying to avoid a good ol’ fashioned nard smash?

It sure looks like it.  I’ll say this:  he’s a tough guy and an unselfish teammate, but if I had to pick a Warriors player to step in a wet spot on the floor, it would be Harrison Barnes.  

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BjFfi-dZU9w&feature=youtu.be

Side question:  Is Barnes costing himself money every time he misses a wide open corner 3?  Considering that his backup makes those shots pretty consistently… Yes.  Yes he is.  Joe Lacob should tell him straight up that every missed corner 3 is $250,000 off the bargaining table this summer.  Andre Iguodala for MVP.

I’m a die-easy fan, but I’m fully on the Warriors bandwagon.  Curry makes the game twice as much fun to watch.  I haven’t enjoyed watching a player this much since Kobe.  So, yeah… I’m pretty bummed to see him injured and I really hope he comes back at 100% during the playoffs.  There was something enjoyable about watching all 280lbs of ‘roided out Lebron getting beat in the Finals by a guy who looks like he would blend in at a high school gym.  Get well soon, Chef Curry.

As far as the 2^nd round goes, I think it’s gonna be very fun to watch.  Dame Dolla can cook with the best of them and Klay has been the best player in the playoffs so far.  I think the Warriors take the series in 6, and we’ll see what happens after that. 

When will Lebron get cramps?

Honestly, he might not get them till the Finals. The Eastern conference still sucks major donkey, just like it has for the past, I dunno, 6 or 7 years?  There’s not a single player in the Eastern Conference good enough to make Lebron play hard on both sides of the ball.  Get ready for 2 more rounds of him acting like a WWF wrestler who just jumped off the ropes and showing his teeth like a lion when Kyrie does something good.  Anybody who thinks the Hawks will turn this into much of a series is smoking more spice than a lineman at Ole Miss.

So the Spurs are gonna win the title, right?

Hard to call right now.  The Curry injury is heaven sent for them, and they sure as shit are not gonna lose to the likes of Russ Westbrook and his dance-off and dress like a fuckboi pregame ritual.  I know Russ wants to have something going on outside of basketball, but if he becomes a fashion trendsetter, everyone’s gonna walk around looking like they’re headed to Coachella to mix uppers and downers with Rihanna.  Then, there’s this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GCLmcEcPk_c

Russ, in defense of the guy who has nothing better to do than interrupt your dance routines, what the fuck are you doing?  “Born to Hand Jive” was probably the weirdest scene in Grease, a move full of super weird scenes, and you’re basically just taking John Travolta’s moves and giving them a little Afrocentric flare. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fY5pmzmiDO8

However, if you do a knee slide, pick up Cameron Payne, swing him between your legs, then drop to your knees while he wiggles through the hole, you will have taken this whole “hand jive” shit to the next level, bruh.

Playoffs 2016 are finally here.

What a great NBA regular season, and with that said, it could have been so much better.  There were zero consequential trades, no fights on TV (all off camera), and a serious lack of good teams losing.  It was basically propped up on both ends by the unbelievable Warriors and the unbelievably dogshit LA Kobes.  In between, there were a lot of disappointing teams (Houston), newly minted fuckbois (D’Angelo Russel & Blake Griffin), and troubling developments in the world of Hip-Hop (Drake).  Drizzy’s performance (or lack thereof) in Toronto on All-Star weekend was a major Valentine’s Day letdown for all the Good Girls out there who know it.  Those who wanted his “hot love and emotion endlessly” had to settle for “sending out an S.O.S.”  Sigh…We’ll probably never understand Aubrey Graham.  2016 was a big transition year for @ChampagnePapi.  One year ago he was just a scrawny rudeboi running through the 6 with his woes, now he’s charged up on that Barry Bonds regiment.  One thing is for certain- Drake likes all his S’s with two lines thru them shits.  My 2017 Drake prediction is that his Dr. Dre steroid look is gonna transition into a slightly chubby, constantly wearing diaper butt sweatpants look, sort of like Kayne but more fashionable.  Ugh… Kanye… that’s a scary thought.  Let’s hope that unlike Kanye, Drake’s music stays on point, which should be easy for him if he avoids the Kardashian family, which should be easy for him.  Then again, avoiding the Kardashians should be easy for everyone.

Anyway, back to the NBA- If I had two 40’s taped to both hands, I’d pour them both out for Kobe.  As a fan of watching basketball that involves no torn ligaments or non-contact injuries, I’m happy to see him out to pasture.  He’s D-O-N-E, but at the same time his final season was a masterpiece.  Just a total eff-you to everyone: his current teammates, the media, Shaq, Nike.  The list goes on.  He even saved two giant middle fingers for his final game: one for the Utah Jazz and one for the people hating on his farewell tour.  He dropped 60 plus a game winner to push the Jazz one game below .500 on the season.  Plus, it was easily the most entertaining game of the season, maybe second to that Warriors Thunder game where Steph drained the game winner and did the Bernie.  Kobe was the best.  Why should he pass the ball?  GIVE IT TO KOBE!!!

So... with that said- Here are my first round predictions, with their standard 1-2 game handicap, like it matters.  Starting with the West:

Thunder vs. who are they playing again?

Oh, that’s right the Dallas Mavericks made the playoffs again.  I think Shawn Marion still plays for them?  I dunno.  I’m also ready to see Dirk “Turd” Nowistki out to pasture.  Can he still play at a high level?  Sure.  Was I ever a huge fan of watching him play at a high level?  Not really.  He’ll always have a soft spot in my heart for beating the Miami Lebrons in the finals, though. 

Even though the Thunder outmatch Dallas by a longshot, no series featuring Russel Westbrook will end in a sweep thanks to him discovering some weird spell of 4^th quarter doo-doo magic.  At least twice per game, he’ll slash to the hoop, crush the rim, and scream at the crowd while the opposing point guard calmly pushes the ball back up the floor and hits a wide open jumper on the other end.  That kind of stuff is demoralizing.  Thunder in 5.

Dubs vs Rockets-

Bench Dwight Howard.  Just… bench him.  He’s opting out of his contract after the season.  He has sucked all year long, and Steph Curry steals rebounds from him.  Dubs in 4

Spurs vs Grizz

I really wish the Grizz could have played the Clips in the first round, just so I could watch Blake and Z-Bo get in phony brawls.  Unfortunately, we’ll have to settle for Lance Stephenson falling on loose balls he created while trying to dribble past Kawhi Leonard.  From a competitive sports standpoint, this series should be a snoozer.  It’s really a bummer to see the Grizz roster so depleted. But from an entertainment standpoint, the new Grizz lineup is, at least…interesting.  The Grizz lead the league in guys who look like they would let Master P be their agent.  Spurs in 4.

Clips vs. Blazers

One of the worst developments in the 2016 season was DeAndre Jordan.  His free throws are painful to watch.  If you could put a camera on DMV officer mailing it in day after day, but condense it into a 2 second clip, that’s what watching him shoot free throws is like.   

One of the best developments in the 2016 season was Dame Lillard.  One of the first things I would buy if I was drunk and on eBay would be a grey “Rip City” Dame Dolla throwback.  He’s one of the top 3 points guards in the league and yes he’s better than Russel “can’t make an open 3 in a tight game to save my life” Westbrook.

The Blazers are one of my favorite teams.  The Clips and their bandwagon LA sports fans are one of my least favorite teams.  But, the Blazers won’t have enough firepower and the Clips will win in 6.

The Eastern Conference:

Heat vs. Charlotte Hornets

Umm, Who gives a crap?  I just hope Jeremy Lin cuts his stupid helmet hair.  Good God, Jeremy!  That’s no look for a Harvard man.  You look preposterous!  Heat in 5.

The Drakes vs. The Pacers:

Paul George can ball OUT, and if I were a gambler, I would never bet money on a team that starts Luis Scola.  Pacers in 6.

Boston vs. Atlanta

This is probably going to be the only competitive series in the first round of the playoffs, for what it’s worth.  Talent level is close on both sides.  Both have exceptional coaches.  The Celtics lead the league in guys who look like they would let T-Pain be their agent.  The Hawks have a baby Rondo from Germany with a weird blonde streak in his wig that has never been replicated, which is surprising considering half the league is still rocking the stupid Mohawk/Honeybadger look.  I think Isaiah Thomas is come up….short.  The Hawks and their godawful lime green accent court design will advance in 7.

Cavs v. Pistons   

I’d love to see the Pistons prevail here, but it won’t happen.  Stan Van Gundy is a great coach but when people say that the Pistons could make a run like the 2008 Orlando Magic they’re wrong because Reggie Jackson is no Rafer “Skip to my Lou” Alston.  Also, Andre Drummond has nothing on young Dwight Howard.  It feels weird to say those last two statements.   Also, who is advising Aaron Baynes on his “Deliverance” haircut/beard combo?  What is that?   Anyway, I get so fucking pumped watching Stan Van Gundy coach against Lebron and the Cavs, mostly because he’s right about them being a bunch of hoes.

 “Lebron’s Lebron.  They’re not gonna call offensive fouls on him and he’s gonna do whatever he wants.  They have to understand that”- SVG

"They’re not gonna outfight us.. they’re not gonna outwork us, and they’re not gonna play better together.”- SVG. 

I can’t wait to see how much he owes the league after this series.  I hope he pulls a Larry Flynt and pays it all in pennies.  For the Cavs, the David Blatt firing and weird passive-aggressive Twitter behavior from King James has clearly turned them into a constipated bunch who need to let out some aggression on eachother.  This is a team that needs a Kobe Bryant type leader… someone who’ll sack tap you in practice, make fun of your girly headband and your man tits, then dare you to come at him.  Speaking of Kevin Love, glad he finally ditched the wavy hair soccer band look.  Now he reminds me slightly less of Anthony Jr. from the Sopranos when he was going through is depression phase. Cavs in 6

Some quick hits after the Dubs tie it up

As an NBA fan, I breathed a sigh of relief yesterday.  That game was either going one of 2 ways:  either Warrior do what they did, or the Cavs win in demoralizing fashion and win the series in 5.  Thankfully, Steve Kerr got wise and stopped playing Andrew Bogut, and we can look forward to a hard-fought series where the best team (The Dubs) wins.  The best thing about the Dubs winning, is the Cavs losing.  Specifially, the best things about the Cavs losing are:

1. JR Smith is the Finals Least Valuable Player

JR is "The Situation" from Jersey Shore.  He's black Justin Beiber.  From the moment he showed up to game 4 on a segway, to the moment he left game 4 on a segway, there's no doubt his presence is poison to any group of men trying to accomplish something.  When the trade went down to grab JR and Iman Shumpert from the Knicks, everyone thought the sweetener in that trade was Iman Shumpert.  Then, everyone forgot about Iman when JR started lighting up the terrible Atlanta Hawks.  Now, Cavs fans are sorely reminded that taking on JR Smith was the price they paid to grab Shumpert, the less fucky of the 2 biggest fuckbois in the finals.  The way games 2 and 3 played out, I thought for sure Andrew Bogut was gonna win LVP with his 3-4 loose ball fouls per game, but JR pried it from his cold, dead hands.  Probably the best case scenario for this finals is that it goes to 7 games, game 7 comes down to the last shot, and JR Smith takes and misses it.  That would be NBA ecstasy, and I could totally see it happening.

By the way, if for some reason the Dubs find a way to lose this series, Bogut can come from behind to take LVP.  3 fouls in 3 minutes, one being a jersey grab on Mozgov, is pathetic.  How did this guy make the NBA All Defensive team?  Proof that Andrew Bogut is not as good as Andrew Bogut thinks he is.  

2. Speaking of Australians, Matt Dellavedova's parents are cousins

ABC blessed us with a little graphic of Dellavedova when he played college ball at St. Mary's.  Wowsers.  Leading with your teeth is not a safe way to play basketball.  He rocks a mouthguard out of necessity.  Anyway, it's not totally untrue what I said about his parents being cousins, because Australia is a country founded by a colony of prisoners.  Somewhere along the line, some Adam and Eve theory shit went down.  The best quote from last night's game goes to my future wife.  "That little boy, the one with the cramps, looks like a Lord of the Rings hobbit".  And she's right.  What has more hair?  Bogut's face or Dellavedova's feet?

3.  Lebron lost game 4, then joined a long list of celebrities with exposed dicks on the internet

Thanks to ABC cameras all up in his business catching him adjusting his grapes and banana before the game (fully exposed, NSFW).  I almost feel bad for the guy.  His head is bleeding a little, he lost a finals game, he's tired, sore, looking for a distraction, so he pulls up his phone, checks his twitter, and BOOM his dick is on the internet.  That's a bad beat, player.

I'm not gonna post a link here, just google it.  Ladies, be prepared to be disappointed.  Guys, be prepared to be encouraged.  I don't want to take too much away from King James here.  I can't imagine myself being much of a "shower" during an athletic competition.  But Lebron and Greg Oden are strong reminders to us every day folks that just because there are gigantic, athletic freaks of nature out there who make us look like dwarfs, it doesn't mean they're that much bigger than us where it counts. 

4. Lebron should have never made that Kevin Love trade.  

When Lebron talks about his "secret motivation" to win this series, either Warner Brothers has promised him Space Jam 2 if he wins his 3rd ring, or.... it's clear that he's motivated by his desire to be compared to '98 Jordan, who single handedly carried the Bulls over the Jazz while Scottie Pippen nursed a back injury.  If he wins this title after losing Love and Kyrie, it will be legendary.  But, here's where Lebron being Hollywood AF comes into play:  he never believed he was capable of winning a title without the help of Kevin Love.  If 'Bron didn't think he needs at least 2 more superstars on the roster, he would have never demanded that trade to happen.  It was a "win right now" move, at the cost of winning even more later on.  It's not like Lebron has always imagined himself pulling off a "98 Jordan".  The opportunity presented itself, and now he's dropping "secret motivation" hints that have Brian "Hometown Buffet" Windhorst swinging from his balls telling everyone that Lebron is even better than Jordan.

The Cavs had the rookie of the year on their roster, a future superstar, and someone who could carry the torch for Cleveland (along with Kyrie) when Lebron eventually wears down.  After Love got his arm yanked off by Father Kelly Olynik, it became clearly apparent that Lebron never needed ANY help to make it to the Finals in the Eastern Conference.  He could go to the Knicks next year and the Knicks would make the finals. 

Anyway, my point is this:  imagine if it was Wiggins instead of JR Smith taking those Lebron kick-outs with a wide open lane to the basket.  Lebron would have been in the finals either way.  'Bron fucked up with that trade.

NBA Finals Drinking Game

Well, shit.  It looks like my mode of watching NBA playoffs with no real passionate rooting interest is in the past.  Before the finals started, I was just happy to have no more Atlanta Hawks, no more Dwight "Champion no matter what" Howard, and no more Atlanta god damn Hawks.  I was fairly certain the Warriors would put the Cavs away in 6 after eventually shooting the lights out of Oracle Arena, but today the Cavs are up 2-1, and it's not looking good for Oakland errrr.. San Francisco?  I was really looking forward to making jokes about how close together David Blatt's eyes are and calling the Cavs a bunch of fuckbois.  You know what, though?  Who are the fuckbois in this series, really?

JR Smith and Iman Shumpert are clearly Dwight Howard's kin.  They were given away for peanuts by Phil Jackson, and even though the Knicks became worse than the LA Sparks afterwards, you couldn't really fault Zen Master for trading them.  If it wasn't for fear of Lebron murdering them, these 2 would leave the huddle and start instagramming the dance squad.  Kendrick Perkins and Kevin Love are def fuckboi's, but they're not a factor in this series.  Lebron, as much as I dislike the guy, is no fuckboi.  Dellavedova?  Dirty player in my opinion, but he's definitely 'bout that life.  So, really, the Cavs are not nearly as fuckboi as Houston or even the Clippers.  They're more like the Seattle Seahawks.  You hate 'em, but they're undeniably good.  These first 3 finals games have me looking in the mirror at my opinions of the Golden State Warriors.

First of all, if I was a Warriors fan, which I'm decidedly undecided about, my ryde or dies would be Iguodala, Livingston, and Curry because he's the MVP.  Behind that, in terms of likeability, you've got Klay, who was total garbage in rounds 1-3 and is finally starting to play alright.  You've got David Lee, who would be starting if he wasn't a known liability on defense, but he does look like the guy from Avatar.  You've got Barbosa, who should really consider not shooting anymore unless he's flat footed and wide open. You've got Speights, who looks like he's gained weight since the playoffs started.  You've got Harrison Barnes, who is playing like a law school student about to fail the bar exam because of test anxiety.  You've got Bogut, who looks like Pau Gasol if he was fat, out of shape, and couldn't shoot.    Ezeli, who should be threatened with the loss of his playoff bonus if doesn't stop sucking so terribly.  And in a shocking descent from fan favorite, I would have to say the least likable Warrior of all is Draymond Green, who should spend the entire rest of the series on the bench if he tries to meet Mozgov at the rim one more time.  Getting swatted by a 7'2" Russian, 3 times in the same game, is a sign that you're too short to go at him.  When it comes to Draymond, the "Beats" commercial was strike one with me.  Arguing with the refs after every foul call?  Strike 2.  Getting repeatedly pwnd in the finals by the same guy who first became famous for being posterized by Blake Griffin?  Strike 3.  You suck.

Draymond probably argued with the refs for a foul after this, too

So, really, the Warriors have been extremely unlikable in this series.  Outside of Iguodala, every player has folded under the pressure.  The one feeling the pressure the most?  Steph Curry.  Now, I know the Cavs game plan has been "put Steph's nuts on the dresser and don't let them get outside of striking distance of a spiked bat", but that's no excuse for him throwing the ball behind his back to nobody and air-balling game winners.  His body language is the same as Riley's when she's told "it's bed time".  Steph is the MVP, but it's hard to imagine James Harden, CP3, Westbrook, or even Mike Conley going out like this.  The troubling this for Warriors fans is this:  Steph Curry is an MVP in the mold that Steve Nash was.  He's a game-changer, flips the rock like we've never seen before, makes the absolute most out of a small white guy physique, and is the most skilled player in the world.  He makes teams change the way they play defense.  But... when it's time to just stomp on the other teams dicks while their family looks on, does he have that in him?  Kobe didn't reinvent anything, he just copied Jordan's game.  But, he won 5 by being ruthless.  He cold-clocked Mike Bibby, turned Shaq into a raging bull, beat Garnett under the boards, maybe got away with rape, punked Ron Artest then made him his teammate, and let his nuts dangle in Tim Duncan's face.  Steph needs to channel his inner Kobe to be more than just a Steve Nash, and if he does, he'll be an all-time great.

I actually get nervous watching these games because the thought of Lebron winning infuriates me.  He is so Hollywood, he makes WWE seem real.  If he wins his 3rd ring, his postgame interview could be confused with a person being rescued off of K2 after an avalanche.  The only way you can ruin your greatness is by scripting it.  He's working as hard on his game as he is on tricking us into believing the hype.  Making people think Cleveland was a downgrade from Miami was his first act.  Somehow people believed the Cavs are better off when someone other than Lebron (Kyrie) is the primary ball handler.  For some reason Brian Windhorst believes that Lebron is a team-first, good locker room guy, but come on: it's not like he ever chatted it up with Matt Dellavedova, ever.  He's "a father figure" to his teammates as much as he was "friends" with Drake when he played in Miami.  I'm rooting hard for no more cold tub videos featuring Lebron & his fuckboi rap crew,  Plus, a Cavs title means Brian Windhorst has more of a reason to exist, and I just can't live like that.

Anyway, like I said, I'm a bundle of nerves during these games, and if you're as nervous as me, I think I have the cure.  If anything beats watching the NBA playoffs, it's watching the NBA playoffs with a firmly established buzz..  If you're lucky enough to be watching this nice little piece of TV, featuring such match ups as "Steph vs The Food in Dellavedova's beard" or Klay Thompson vs. Klay Thompson, or "Lebron vs. Cramps", then you should take the time to enjoy it with a cold brew in hand.

Items needed to gain a proper NBA Finals buzz:
-Some friends
-Beer or cocktail of choice
-A 6 pack of Sprite "Lebron's Mix"
-A pitcher
-A raw, peeled onion
-An "asshole" hat (or Lebron Miami Heat jersey)

Drinking Game Rules:

1. The asshole is whoever is rooting for the Cavs.  If there's more than 1, you're all assholes.  And you have to buy a Lebron Miami Heat jersey on ebay.

2. The Standard "Everybody drinks anytime _________ happens"

Lebron Dunks

Steph hits a 3

JR Smith does something stupid

They talk about Cavs injuries

Steve Kerr mic'd up gives a shitty motivational speech

Klay Thompson misses a shot he would make if it wasn't the playoffs

Matthew Dellavedova dives on the floor.

The camera shows a famous rapper.

ESPN shows a graphic comparing Lebron and Jordan stats.

Mike Tirico says "BANG!"

Mike Tirico says "...and just like that, it's a (10) point game" or any variation of that statement

Jeff Van Gundy expresses distaste for something the refs do.  Example: Overturning a call, "even if it's the wrong call, be consistent"

Mark Jackson's accent is super thick.  Example: "tha best shootah on tha plant"

3. The asshole has to drink anytime________:

During the entire Kia commercial starring Lebron, the asshole has to drink with his feet up in a reclining position as through he were Lebron in the back of his fake Maybach.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, not giving a shit.

Iguodala dunks

Lebron Misses

The camera shows Steph Curry's mom.

David Blatt looks like he's on Quaaludes

Mark Jackson says "Mama, there goes that man".  BONUS, ASSHOLE: If Mark then immediately says "Hand down, man down", the asshole has to finish his beer.

Draymond Green scores

Jeff Van Gundy dotes over this guy:

If the TV shows the Sprite "Lebron's Mix" commercial the asshole can either pound an entire beer or pound an entire Sprite Lebron's mix

When Lebron gets "cramps", everybody pour the rest of their drink into the pitcher, along with a Sprite Lebron's Mix.  Asshole drinks it as soon as Lebron scores again.

If the camera pans to Cleveland fans holding hands in prayer, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

4.  The asshole can dole out punishment (everyone else drinks) if:

JR Smith hits a 3.

Lebron sails in for a monster block.

Bogut gets called for loose ball foul.  The "holding him by his jersey" variety means you have to drink extra.

Klay Thompson blows another layup.  However, if Klay Thompson connects on a layup, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, and he appears to give a shit.

The camera shows Rihanna courtside, no bra

If the camera shows Steph Curry's mom, and upon realizing she's on camera, she gives a look like she just walked into a strip club and saw Dell covered in strippers, the asshole can pick someone to take a bite out of the raw onion.

5. YOU have to do a naked lap around the block if:

You say Lebron is better than Jordan

NBA Conference Finals: Lebron's inevitability, the search for Drake, and a requiem for Spurs v Dubs

Guyz, the Lebron James experience is starting to get repetitive.  There's a sequence of events here.  Step 1. Lebron leaves his team and signs up with a superteam, ESPN creams collective shorts.  Step 2. Superteam has an overblown “tumultuous” regular season, ESPN craps collective pants.  Step 3. Superteam figures it out toward the end of the season, runs off a huge winning streak, looks unstoppable, ESPN melts collective panties.  Step 4.  Lebron becomes "besties" with his new teammates, Brian Windhorst compares current Lebron team to his high school team and ESPN creams shorts again thinking about how good of a teammate Lebron is.  Step 5. Two of Lebron’s super teammates get injured or banged up in the playoffs. “It's all on Lebron’s shoulders, now.  The same way it has been since he was a highly touted Junior at St. Vincent-St. Mary's” Step 6.  Lebron cakewalks to the conference finals because it doesn't matter who gets injured.  Lebron could win the East with Bugs at point guard, Taz at Center, and Bull Murray coming off the bench.  In all seriousness, the Cavs could trade Mozgov for Brittney Greiner right now, and they would still beat the Hawks.  THE EAST SUCKS!!!  Lebron is the 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th best player in the East depending on what position he’s playing.  Hurricane ‘Bron is coming, and the Hawks better board up their windows before their dicks get scattered to the wind. 

I’d like to say it’s been fun watching the Hawks win 50 games and make it to the conference finals, but… it hasn't been.  Kyle Korver was tight back when Iverson played for the Sixers.  Watching him run around screens all day long in a furious effort to get open is like watching a contestant on American Gladiators try to hit a target with a nerf football while Nitro blasts his ass with a fucking tennis ball cannon.  He's like having a sniper rifle in a N64 Goldeneye battle with grenade launchers.  Cavs in 6.

Where. Is. Drake?

Dawg, this subplot got boring.  I thought for sure we'd see Aubrey court side, at least as a neutral fan, at least at one round 2 game somewhere.  Clearly, Kanye boxed him out of Chicago by sitting next to Scottie Pippen and pulling an impromptu "I'ma let you finish" during a TV timeout.  I'm still not sure why Drake's not on Houston's bandwagon yet.  He's not embarrassed to no longer be "on some Raptors pay my bills shit" is he?  No.  No way.  He's only 27 and he's only getting better.  C'mon Drake!  You already wrote for us.  What's one more quote for us?  

Wait a second, I see where this is going.  Lebron is lurking.  The Cavs are coming in hot in the Drake is my #1 fan Sweepstakes.  What if the Cavs win it all, Drake waltzes into the locker room for some champagne and some HYFR video type celebration, afterwards Lebron stays home with the wife and kids while Kyrie, Shumpert, and JR Smith go party with Drizzy?  This is 2015, they could just get on Drake's G-7 and fly to NYC for some bubbles and drunk pizza at 1-Oak.  Drake...if you ain't the greatest, then you headed for it.

Let's talk about the Warriors:

These front running sonsabitches cannot win tight games, but they sure know how to work with a lead.  Go big or go home.  Steph is the only kid on the squad who can create a shot in good times, bad times, sickness or in health.  When he gets it going, homedude is like a young Nick Cannon with a snare drum just flippin’ it around his waist, chewing on his mouth guard, pushing the drumline forward, doing a solo on HIS drum, doing a solo on YOUR drum. 

Steph might get punched eventually for being too fucking fresh, just like Nick Cannon did.  By the way, things I love about that scene:  1. The fat guy who socks Nick Cannon looks like Big Baby.  2. The little guy who goes flying into the scrum like Marcus Allen on the 1 yard line 3. Earlier in that scene, the red guys throw cocaine on their drums, and Orlando Jones is like..."Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming", and Nick Cannon is like "pssh, I've seen coke on a drum before.  These fuckbois ain't bout shit."

Anyway, as Steph goes, the Dubs go, and there’s really no backup plan.  Klay Thompson?  Tony Allen put a hurtin' on his bleached cornbread white honkey ass.  The Dubs are lucky TA got injured.  For a second there I thought GSW got their dicks caught in the Memphis grindhouse, and we were all gonna be eating Warrior dick sausage for a week.  Then, the MVP dropped his drumsticks in Mike Conley’s face, pulled out a second pair he had hidden, tossed one in from 3/4 court, and continued raining 3’s.  Sorry if you didn’t follow that whole reference, but it’s your fault for not watching Drumline.  Good news for the Dubs is they advance with no health concerns.  Bad news is Klay.  Sure, he's gonna get paid, but his heart pumps Kool-aid.  I'd hate to rely on that guy for a bucket in a tight game.

RIP Grizz.  I really like that squad.  Mike Conley a balla.  Marc is the Gasol you wanna be.  When Tony Allen starts flexin’ his First Team All Defense nuts, it’s like listening to DMX at the gym.  I hope they make another run next year, but I just can’t imagine Z-Bo doing Z-Bo things forever.  It has to end for that guy someday, right?  Compared to Clips V. Rockets, this Dubs V Grizz was a real treat.

#Fuckboibasketball

I spent a recent weekend in Nawlins, and long story short, I called a few people a "Fuckboi".  I also got called a fuckboi a few times, deservedly, but the question came up:  What is a fuckboi?  Well, one could look it up on urban dictionary, but the easy way to define it for you  is to say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi".  Even if you don't know what it means, if I say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi", your cognitive brain is like "you're right, that fuckboi ain't bout shit".  You gonna let Deandre Jordan take the "athletic big man” crown?  Cause he took it from you, Dwight. You gonna let Matt Barnes talk dirty to your Mom on Mothers Day?  Damn, you a fuckboi Dwight.

Thing is, though, the Rockets beat the Clips and the Clips beat the Spurs.  I feel dirty just saying that.  I refuse to admit that a team that starts Matt Barnes beat the Spurs in a game 7 more than the Spurs beat themselves.   Matt Barnes is such a thug, right? So thug that he went to a high school with a pretty good water polo team.  Kobe didn’t blink.  James Harden didn't either.  Don’t let the neck tats fool you: Matt Barnes a fuckboi.  Blake Griffin?  Most talented Redbone in NBA history, bar none.  Unstoppable at times.  Goes soft as a sock during tight 4th quarter playoff games.  When he decided it was time to try to do an And-1 crossover on Marco Bellinelli, up 2 with 15 seconds left, and he bounced it off his foot and blew game 2, I knew he had the ghosts of Karl Malone and Chris Webber in him.  It takes real balls for Steve Ballmer not to sell this bunch of fuckbois after they practically won the series in game 6, then got outscored by 30 in the closing quarter, and rolled over in game 7.  And this is the team that beat the Spurs in 7?  AGHHH.  

Anyway, I'm clearly bummed that the West Finals isn't Dubs v. Spurs.  At least these teams have some interesting matchups.  Harden v Steph is an MVP-off.  Ariza and Iguodala are 2 of my favorite NBA players.  Josh Smith v Draymond will have sparks.  The Dubs have a big advantage on the bench, but Dwight, fuckboi as he is, creates some problems down low for the Warriors.  I hate to break it to Andrew Bogut, but Andrew Bogut ain't bout shit.  I got a real laugh out of him and the Warriors GM talking about how they knew the whole Monte Ellis for Bogut trade would work out in the long run.  That trade was all about getting rid of Monte at all costs.  Bogut's contract matched, and the Bucks were desperate enough to take on Monte.  Bogut isn't that tight, it just so happens the Warriors never got around to signing a real Center.  This is, however, still the Steph Curry show, and the Dubs go to the NBA finals after 6 games.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Fill it up again!!

Oh. Man.  This is great.  The garbage round 1 matchups are finally over and we get to dig into the good stuff with no Kevin Love, no Rondo, and no Milwaukee Bucks.  So, basically no bitch-asses.

Oh wait.  Lebron.  And the GOD DAMN Clippers.  Ugh!

The Cleveland Lebron's v. Bulls:

Kevin Love, you were probably that kid growing up who went crying to his mom when one of your friends accidentally broke your super soaker.  You pulled the white privilege card so fast when that Canadian priest accidentally dislocated your shoulder.  Queue the violin music:

"It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths... There's not a doubt in my mind that he did it on purpose...HHUMPHFF... I expect the league to take swift action...HHUMPHFF.  And if they don't, my Dad is friends with the D.A.  HHUMPHFFF.  I'm the Prince of Cleveland. HHUMPHFFF.  My teammates better go out there and retaliate, or I'm signing with the Lakers next year....HHUMPHFF!!!!"

Such a ho.  He got Kendrick Perkins and JR Smith all in a tizzy during halftime, somehow fixin' to kill Jae Crowder as a retaliation?  Why is every team that Lebron is on such a bag of farts?  Anyway, the Cavs are no less imposing without Love.  Any NBA player, except maybe Perkins, can knock down the open looks K. Love gets off of Kyrie and Lebron.

Meanwhile, the Bulls just pulled off a classic Pau "Cat Piss" Gasol series, where they dominate for 3 games, then all of a sudden ol' Big Bird starts flailing around like the plastic bag from American Beauty.  Nonetheless, they got out of Milwaukee with Derek Rose still intact, which is like winning the lottery for them.  I'm really excited to see what the Bulls can do.  I like to imagine Joakim Noah wearing a wife beater and doing a Bizzy Bone (RIP) impression while they listen to "Notorious Thugz" before the game. I also like to imagine Tom Thibodeau discussing his game plan with his coaching staff while he tears bloody leg meat off a turkey bone and pops whole cherry tomatoes with his front teeth like the Steward of Gondor from Lord of the Rings.

"We will not rest our starters."

In my dream world, Derek Rose blows our minds with a 2013-esque throwback performance, and Lebron gets leg cramps before halftime of game 3 (otherwise known as the universal Lebron sign for "I'm folding.  This series is over in 5")  In reality, Derek Rose is still too rusty.  Cavs in 7, with a couple of really painful to watch dunks on Big Bird.

Hawks vs. 'Zards:

Hmmm.  John Wall will definitely ball the fuck out.  But..Hawks in 6?  Hard to say, neither of these teams really stands out as "good".  Either way the winner of this series gets the pleasure of having their dick snapped off like a celery stock by Lebron in the East Finals.  My best hope for this series is that a savvy female sideline reporter decides to interview 2 Chainz during a game:

Rachel Nichols:  2 Chainz, is it true that you used to go by the name "Tity Boi" because you're a mama's boy who loved being breastfed?

2 Chainz:  Yeah.  It's not meant to be a derogatory "I love stripper tits" kinda name.  More like a "I love my Mom" kinda name.  I actually respect women.

Nichols:  Fascinating.  Mr. Chainz, the Hawks are by all accounts, good, but they don't really appear to have any particularly good players who do anything particularly well.  What do you make of your hometown team?

2 Chainz: They different, yeah.  They different.  Jeff Teague is ballin' like he got Spalding leather in his Benz seats.  And, Kyle Korver, I mean, I'm pretty sure he ain't got no ass cheeks, but you can't leave him open.  They just need to get that 4th quarter figured out.

Nichols:  You're right, Kyle Korver's ass is as flat as a pancake.  2 Chainz, any advice for the team?

Chainz:  Middle finger up to tha competition.

Nichols:  Thanks, Tity Boi.  I'm Rachel Nichols, E-S-P-ENNNNNNN

Western Conference:

The Dubs vs. The GRIZZ

I really like the Grizz.  Super gritty team. Always down to put their nuts on the table.  Too many good characters on the team, and I haven't even mentioned Tony Allen.  I'll let him speak for himself:




Unfortunately for the Grizz, nuts on the table and all, the Warriors are gonna bang them shits with a spiked bat  BLAAOWWW, especially if they don't get Mike Conley back.  Conley's backups are: a white guy with more hair on his chest than on his head, and a guy named Beano.  The Warriors can dominate without even getting their hands dirty.  Steph Curry has mind control over everyone and everything in the arena.  Even his mouth guard defies the odds.  That thing gets flipped around all day, chewed on, touched by his hands every other play, which touch the ball every play, which touches everybody else's hands, including Shaun Livingston's hands, which touch sweaty dicks....and somehow Curry doesn't have e-coli yet.  This just feels like the Warrior's year.  Dubs in 5.

Clips v. Rockets:

The Spurs just didn't have it this year.  The Clips eventually cleaned just enough of their own shit out of their shoes to elevate and win game 7.  I hope the Spurs are at Matt Bonner's house right now watching "Remember the Titans" and getting pumped for another comeback.

2 things I hate about the Clippers advancing:

1. More temper tantrums, fake injuries, crying, and general turdiness.  These guys cry like their ice cream cone got knocked over when calls don't go their way.  They roll around like they got shot when they sprain something.  Big Baby's sprained cankle required a wheelchair after he finished the play he sprained it on and walked on it for a while.  Yeah, he suited up the next game.  And their owner, who is clearly on some sort of cocktail of uppers, downers, laughers, cryers, farters, and snorters, is being encouraged to act this way by the media types who just eat it up.

2.  I did not factor LA into my 2015 Which team is Drake suiting up for? sweepstakes  LA is the entertainment capital of the world.  Lots of cameras in Staples Center.  There's also a lot of hip hop guys in LA, but LA is still a Lakers town.  I don't see Snoop or Ice Cube throwing away their purple and gold just yet.  Maybe the Clips need a hip hop celebrity to be the face of their LA takeover?  Sounds reasonable, but the thing about LA and hip hop is, sometimes out of towners show up in LA and leave in a body bag, with no witnesses, no leads, and no suspects.  And Suge Knight plead not guilty.  What if he gets out?.  I wouldn't risk it if I was Drake.

Anyway, this series is gonna probably be pretty good.  Harden vs CP3 is a great matchup.  Deandre vs. Dwight is good, too.  Gonna be a lot of bricked free throws, dunks, crossovers, broken ankles, maybe even a brawl?  Ultimately I think the Clips have more firepower.  Griffin and Deandre are a tall order for Dwight.  Clips in 6.