1. JR Smith is the Finals Least Valuable Player
JR is "The Situation" from Jersey Shore. He's black Justin Beiber. From the moment he showed up to game 4 on a segway, to the moment he left game 4 on a segway, there's no doubt his presence is poison to any group of men trying to accomplish something. When the trade went down to grab JR and Iman Shumpert from the Knicks, everyone thought the sweetener in that trade was Iman Shumpert. Then, everyone forgot about Iman when JR started lighting up the terrible Atlanta Hawks. Now, Cavs fans are sorely reminded that taking on JR Smith was the price they paid to grab Shumpert, the less fucky of the 2 biggest fuckbois in the finals. The way games 2 and 3 played out, I thought for sure Andrew Bogut was gonna win LVP with his 3-4 loose ball fouls per game, but JR pried it from his cold, dead hands. Probably the best case scenario for this finals is that it goes to 7 games, game 7 comes down to the last shot, and JR Smith takes and misses it. That would be NBA ecstasy, and I could totally see it happening.
By the way, if for some reason the Dubs find a way to lose this series, Bogut can come from behind to take LVP. 3 fouls in 3 minutes, one being a jersey grab on Mozgov, is pathetic. How did this guy make the NBA All Defensive team? Proof that Andrew Bogut is not as good as Andrew Bogut thinks he is.
2. Speaking of Australians, Matt Dellavedova's parents are cousins
ABC blessed us with a little graphic of Dellavedova when he played college ball at St. Mary's. Wowsers. Leading with your teeth is not a safe way to play basketball. He rocks a mouthguard out of necessity. Anyway, it's not totally untrue what I said about his parents being cousins, because Australia is a country founded by a colony of prisoners. Somewhere along the line, some Adam and Eve theory shit went down. The best quote from last night's game goes to my future wife. "That little boy, the one with the cramps, looks like a Lord of the Rings hobbit". And she's right. What has more hair? Bogut's face or Dellavedova's feet?
3. Lebron lost game 4, then joined a long list of celebrities with exposed dicks on the internet
Thanks to ABC cameras all up in his business catching him adjusting his grapes and banana before the game (fully exposed, NSFW). I almost feel bad for the guy. His head is bleeding a little, he lost a finals game, he's tired, sore, looking for a distraction, so he pulls up his phone, checks his twitter, and BOOM his dick is on the internet. That's a bad beat, player.
I'm not gonna post a link here, just google it. Ladies, be prepared to be disappointed. Guys, be prepared to be encouraged. I don't want to take too much away from King James here. I can't imagine myself being much of a "shower" during an athletic competition. But Lebron and Greg Oden are strong reminders to us every day folks that just because there are gigantic, athletic freaks of nature out there who make us look like dwarfs, it doesn't mean they're that much bigger than us where it counts.
4. Lebron should have never made that Kevin Love trade.
When Lebron talks about his "secret motivation" to win this series, either Warner Brothers has promised him Space Jam 2 if he wins his 3rd ring, or.... it's clear that he's motivated by his desire to be compared to '98 Jordan, who single handedly carried the Bulls over the Jazz while Scottie Pippen nursed a back injury. If he wins this title after losing Love and Kyrie, it will be legendary. But, here's where Lebron being Hollywood AF comes into play: he never believed he was capable of winning a title without the help of Kevin Love. If 'Bron didn't think he needs at least 2 more superstars on the roster, he would have never demanded that trade to happen. It was a "win right now" move, at the cost of winning even more later on. It's not like Lebron has always imagined himself pulling off a "98 Jordan". The opportunity presented itself, and now he's dropping "secret motivation" hints that have Brian "Hometown Buffet" Windhorst swinging from his balls telling everyone that Lebron is even better than Jordan.
The Cavs had the rookie of the year on their roster, a future superstar, and someone who could carry the torch for Cleveland (along with Kyrie) when Lebron eventually wears down. After Love got his arm yanked off by Father Kelly Olynik, it became clearly apparent that Lebron never needed ANY help to make it to the Finals in the Eastern Conference. He could go to the Knicks next year and the Knicks would make the finals.
Anyway, my point is this: imagine if it was Wiggins instead of JR Smith taking those Lebron kick-outs with a wide open lane to the basket. Lebron would have been in the finals either way. 'Bron fucked up with that trade.
No comments:
Post a Comment