Some quick hits after the Dubs tie it up

As an NBA fan, I breathed a sigh of relief yesterday.  That game was either going one of 2 ways:  either Warrior do what they did, or the Cavs win in demoralizing fashion and win the series in 5.  Thankfully, Steve Kerr got wise and stopped playing Andrew Bogut, and we can look forward to a hard-fought series where the best team (The Dubs) wins.  The best thing about the Dubs winning, is the Cavs losing.  Specifially, the best things about the Cavs losing are:

1. JR Smith is the Finals Least Valuable Player

JR is "The Situation" from Jersey Shore.  He's black Justin Beiber.  From the moment he showed up to game 4 on a segway, to the moment he left game 4 on a segway, there's no doubt his presence is poison to any group of men trying to accomplish something.  When the trade went down to grab JR and Iman Shumpert from the Knicks, everyone thought the sweetener in that trade was Iman Shumpert.  Then, everyone forgot about Iman when JR started lighting up the terrible Atlanta Hawks.  Now, Cavs fans are sorely reminded that taking on JR Smith was the price they paid to grab Shumpert, the less fucky of the 2 biggest fuckbois in the finals.  The way games 2 and 3 played out, I thought for sure Andrew Bogut was gonna win LVP with his 3-4 loose ball fouls per game, but JR pried it from his cold, dead hands.  Probably the best case scenario for this finals is that it goes to 7 games, game 7 comes down to the last shot, and JR Smith takes and misses it.  That would be NBA ecstasy, and I could totally see it happening.

By the way, if for some reason the Dubs find a way to lose this series, Bogut can come from behind to take LVP.  3 fouls in 3 minutes, one being a jersey grab on Mozgov, is pathetic.  How did this guy make the NBA All Defensive team?  Proof that Andrew Bogut is not as good as Andrew Bogut thinks he is.  

2. Speaking of Australians, Matt Dellavedova's parents are cousins

ABC blessed us with a little graphic of Dellavedova when he played college ball at St. Mary's.  Wowsers.  Leading with your teeth is not a safe way to play basketball.  He rocks a mouthguard out of necessity.  Anyway, it's not totally untrue what I said about his parents being cousins, because Australia is a country founded by a colony of prisoners.  Somewhere along the line, some Adam and Eve theory shit went down.  The best quote from last night's game goes to my future wife.  "That little boy, the one with the cramps, looks like a Lord of the Rings hobbit".  And she's right.  What has more hair?  Bogut's face or Dellavedova's feet?

3.  Lebron lost game 4, then joined a long list of celebrities with exposed dicks on the internet

Thanks to ABC cameras all up in his business catching him adjusting his grapes and banana before the game (fully exposed, NSFW).  I almost feel bad for the guy.  His head is bleeding a little, he lost a finals game, he's tired, sore, looking for a distraction, so he pulls up his phone, checks his twitter, and BOOM his dick is on the internet.  That's a bad beat, player.

I'm not gonna post a link here, just google it.  Ladies, be prepared to be disappointed.  Guys, be prepared to be encouraged.  I don't want to take too much away from King James here.  I can't imagine myself being much of a "shower" during an athletic competition.  But Lebron and Greg Oden are strong reminders to us every day folks that just because there are gigantic, athletic freaks of nature out there who make us look like dwarfs, it doesn't mean they're that much bigger than us where it counts. 

4. Lebron should have never made that Kevin Love trade.  

When Lebron talks about his "secret motivation" to win this series, either Warner Brothers has promised him Space Jam 2 if he wins his 3rd ring, or.... it's clear that he's motivated by his desire to be compared to '98 Jordan, who single handedly carried the Bulls over the Jazz while Scottie Pippen nursed a back injury.  If he wins this title after losing Love and Kyrie, it will be legendary.  But, here's where Lebron being Hollywood AF comes into play:  he never believed he was capable of winning a title without the help of Kevin Love.  If 'Bron didn't think he needs at least 2 more superstars on the roster, he would have never demanded that trade to happen.  It was a "win right now" move, at the cost of winning even more later on.  It's not like Lebron has always imagined himself pulling off a "98 Jordan".  The opportunity presented itself, and now he's dropping "secret motivation" hints that have Brian "Hometown Buffet" Windhorst swinging from his balls telling everyone that Lebron is even better than Jordan.

The Cavs had the rookie of the year on their roster, a future superstar, and someone who could carry the torch for Cleveland (along with Kyrie) when Lebron eventually wears down.  After Love got his arm yanked off by Father Kelly Olynik, it became clearly apparent that Lebron never needed ANY help to make it to the Finals in the Eastern Conference.  He could go to the Knicks next year and the Knicks would make the finals. 

Anyway, my point is this:  imagine if it was Wiggins instead of JR Smith taking those Lebron kick-outs with a wide open lane to the basket.  Lebron would have been in the finals either way.  'Bron fucked up with that trade.

NBA Finals Drinking Game

Well, shit.  It looks like my mode of watching NBA playoffs with no real passionate rooting interest is in the past.  Before the finals started, I was just happy to have no more Atlanta Hawks, no more Dwight "Champion no matter what" Howard, and no more Atlanta god damn Hawks.  I was fairly certain the Warriors would put the Cavs away in 6 after eventually shooting the lights out of Oracle Arena, but today the Cavs are up 2-1, and it's not looking good for Oakland errrr.. San Francisco?  I was really looking forward to making jokes about how close together David Blatt's eyes are and calling the Cavs a bunch of fuckbois.  You know what, though?  Who are the fuckbois in this series, really?

JR Smith and Iman Shumpert are clearly Dwight Howard's kin.  They were given away for peanuts by Phil Jackson, and even though the Knicks became worse than the LA Sparks afterwards, you couldn't really fault Zen Master for trading them.  If it wasn't for fear of Lebron murdering them, these 2 would leave the huddle and start instagramming the dance squad.  Kendrick Perkins and Kevin Love are def fuckboi's, but they're not a factor in this series.  Lebron, as much as I dislike the guy, is no fuckboi.  Dellavedova?  Dirty player in my opinion, but he's definitely 'bout that life.  So, really, the Cavs are not nearly as fuckboi as Houston or even the Clippers.  They're more like the Seattle Seahawks.  You hate 'em, but they're undeniably good.  These first 3 finals games have me looking in the mirror at my opinions of the Golden State Warriors.

First of all, if I was a Warriors fan, which I'm decidedly undecided about, my ryde or dies would be Iguodala, Livingston, and Curry because he's the MVP.  Behind that, in terms of likeability, you've got Klay, who was total garbage in rounds 1-3 and is finally starting to play alright.  You've got David Lee, who would be starting if he wasn't a known liability on defense, but he does look like the guy from Avatar.  You've got Barbosa, who should really consider not shooting anymore unless he's flat footed and wide open. You've got Speights, who looks like he's gained weight since the playoffs started.  You've got Harrison Barnes, who is playing like a law school student about to fail the bar exam because of test anxiety.  You've got Bogut, who looks like Pau Gasol if he was fat, out of shape, and couldn't shoot.    Ezeli, who should be threatened with the loss of his playoff bonus if doesn't stop sucking so terribly.  And in a shocking descent from fan favorite, I would have to say the least likable Warrior of all is Draymond Green, who should spend the entire rest of the series on the bench if he tries to meet Mozgov at the rim one more time.  Getting swatted by a 7'2" Russian, 3 times in the same game, is a sign that you're too short to go at him.  When it comes to Draymond, the "Beats" commercial was strike one with me.  Arguing with the refs after every foul call?  Strike 2.  Getting repeatedly pwnd in the finals by the same guy who first became famous for being posterized by Blake Griffin?  Strike 3.  You suck.

Draymond probably argued with the refs for a foul after this, too

So, really, the Warriors have been extremely unlikable in this series.  Outside of Iguodala, every player has folded under the pressure.  The one feeling the pressure the most?  Steph Curry.  Now, I know the Cavs game plan has been "put Steph's nuts on the dresser and don't let them get outside of striking distance of a spiked bat", but that's no excuse for him throwing the ball behind his back to nobody and air-balling game winners.  His body language is the same as Riley's when she's told "it's bed time".  Steph is the MVP, but it's hard to imagine James Harden, CP3, Westbrook, or even Mike Conley going out like this.  The troubling this for Warriors fans is this:  Steph Curry is an MVP in the mold that Steve Nash was.  He's a game-changer, flips the rock like we've never seen before, makes the absolute most out of a small white guy physique, and is the most skilled player in the world.  He makes teams change the way they play defense.  But... when it's time to just stomp on the other teams dicks while their family looks on, does he have that in him?  Kobe didn't reinvent anything, he just copied Jordan's game.  But, he won 5 by being ruthless.  He cold-clocked Mike Bibby, turned Shaq into a raging bull, beat Garnett under the boards, maybe got away with rape, punked Ron Artest then made him his teammate, and let his nuts dangle in Tim Duncan's face.  Steph needs to channel his inner Kobe to be more than just a Steve Nash, and if he does, he'll be an all-time great.

I actually get nervous watching these games because the thought of Lebron winning infuriates me.  He is so Hollywood, he makes WWE seem real.  If he wins his 3rd ring, his postgame interview could be confused with a person being rescued off of K2 after an avalanche.  The only way you can ruin your greatness is by scripting it.  He's working as hard on his game as he is on tricking us into believing the hype.  Making people think Cleveland was a downgrade from Miami was his first act.  Somehow people believed the Cavs are better off when someone other than Lebron (Kyrie) is the primary ball handler.  For some reason Brian Windhorst believes that Lebron is a team-first, good locker room guy, but come on: it's not like he ever chatted it up with Matt Dellavedova, ever.  He's "a father figure" to his teammates as much as he was "friends" with Drake when he played in Miami.  I'm rooting hard for no more cold tub videos featuring Lebron & his fuckboi rap crew,  Plus, a Cavs title means Brian Windhorst has more of a reason to exist, and I just can't live like that.

Anyway, like I said, I'm a bundle of nerves during these games, and if you're as nervous as me, I think I have the cure.  If anything beats watching the NBA playoffs, it's watching the NBA playoffs with a firmly established buzz..  If you're lucky enough to be watching this nice little piece of TV, featuring such match ups as "Steph vs The Food in Dellavedova's beard" or Klay Thompson vs. Klay Thompson, or "Lebron vs. Cramps", then you should take the time to enjoy it with a cold brew in hand.

Items needed to gain a proper NBA Finals buzz:
-Some friends
-Beer or cocktail of choice
-A 6 pack of Sprite "Lebron's Mix"
-A pitcher
-A raw, peeled onion
-An "asshole" hat (or Lebron Miami Heat jersey)

Drinking Game Rules:

1. The asshole is whoever is rooting for the Cavs.  If there's more than 1, you're all assholes.  And you have to buy a Lebron Miami Heat jersey on ebay.

2. The Standard "Everybody drinks anytime _________ happens"

Lebron Dunks

Steph hits a 3

JR Smith does something stupid

They talk about Cavs injuries

Steve Kerr mic'd up gives a shitty motivational speech

Klay Thompson misses a shot he would make if it wasn't the playoffs

Matthew Dellavedova dives on the floor.

The camera shows a famous rapper.

ESPN shows a graphic comparing Lebron and Jordan stats.

Mike Tirico says "BANG!"

Mike Tirico says "...and just like that, it's a (10) point game" or any variation of that statement

Jeff Van Gundy expresses distaste for something the refs do.  Example: Overturning a call, "even if it's the wrong call, be consistent"

Mark Jackson's accent is super thick.  Example: "tha best shootah on tha plant"

3. The asshole has to drink anytime________:

During the entire Kia commercial starring Lebron, the asshole has to drink with his feet up in a reclining position as through he were Lebron in the back of his fake Maybach.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, not giving a shit.

Iguodala dunks

Lebron Misses

The camera shows Steph Curry's mom.

David Blatt looks like he's on Quaaludes

Mark Jackson says "Mama, there goes that man".  BONUS, ASSHOLE: If Mark then immediately says "Hand down, man down", the asshole has to finish his beer.

Draymond Green scores

Jeff Van Gundy dotes over this guy:

If the TV shows the Sprite "Lebron's Mix" commercial the asshole can either pound an entire beer or pound an entire Sprite Lebron's mix

When Lebron gets "cramps", everybody pour the rest of their drink into the pitcher, along with a Sprite Lebron's Mix.  Asshole drinks it as soon as Lebron scores again.

If the camera pans to Cleveland fans holding hands in prayer, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

4.  The asshole can dole out punishment (everyone else drinks) if:

JR Smith hits a 3.

Lebron sails in for a monster block.

Bogut gets called for loose ball foul.  The "holding him by his jersey" variety means you have to drink extra.

Klay Thompson blows another layup.  However, if Klay Thompson connects on a layup, the asshole has to take a bite out of the raw onion.

The camera shows Kevin Love on the bench, and he appears to give a shit.

The camera shows Rihanna courtside, no bra

If the camera shows Steph Curry's mom, and upon realizing she's on camera, she gives a look like she just walked into a strip club and saw Dell covered in strippers, the asshole can pick someone to take a bite out of the raw onion.

5. YOU have to do a naked lap around the block if:

You say Lebron is better than Jordan

NBA Conference Finals: Lebron's inevitability, the search for Drake, and a requiem for Spurs v Dubs

Guyz, the Lebron James experience is starting to get repetitive.  There's a sequence of events here.  Step 1. Lebron leaves his team and signs up with a superteam, ESPN creams collective shorts.  Step 2. Superteam has an overblown “tumultuous” regular season, ESPN craps collective pants.  Step 3. Superteam figures it out toward the end of the season, runs off a huge winning streak, looks unstoppable, ESPN melts collective panties.  Step 4.  Lebron becomes "besties" with his new teammates, Brian Windhorst compares current Lebron team to his high school team and ESPN creams shorts again thinking about how good of a teammate Lebron is.  Step 5. Two of Lebron’s super teammates get injured or banged up in the playoffs. “It's all on Lebron’s shoulders, now.  The same way it has been since he was a highly touted Junior at St. Vincent-St. Mary's” Step 6.  Lebron cakewalks to the conference finals because it doesn't matter who gets injured.  Lebron could win the East with Bugs at point guard, Taz at Center, and Bull Murray coming off the bench.  In all seriousness, the Cavs could trade Mozgov for Brittney Greiner right now, and they would still beat the Hawks.  THE EAST SUCKS!!!  Lebron is the 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th best player in the East depending on what position he’s playing.  Hurricane ‘Bron is coming, and the Hawks better board up their windows before their dicks get scattered to the wind. 

I’d like to say it’s been fun watching the Hawks win 50 games and make it to the conference finals, but… it hasn't been.  Kyle Korver was tight back when Iverson played for the Sixers.  Watching him run around screens all day long in a furious effort to get open is like watching a contestant on American Gladiators try to hit a target with a nerf football while Nitro blasts his ass with a fucking tennis ball cannon.  He's like having a sniper rifle in a N64 Goldeneye battle with grenade launchers.  Cavs in 6.

Where. Is. Drake?

Dawg, this subplot got boring.  I thought for sure we'd see Aubrey court side, at least as a neutral fan, at least at one round 2 game somewhere.  Clearly, Kanye boxed him out of Chicago by sitting next to Scottie Pippen and pulling an impromptu "I'ma let you finish" during a TV timeout.  I'm still not sure why Drake's not on Houston's bandwagon yet.  He's not embarrassed to no longer be "on some Raptors pay my bills shit" is he?  No.  No way.  He's only 27 and he's only getting better.  C'mon Drake!  You already wrote for us.  What's one more quote for us?  

Wait a second, I see where this is going.  Lebron is lurking.  The Cavs are coming in hot in the Drake is my #1 fan Sweepstakes.  What if the Cavs win it all, Drake waltzes into the locker room for some champagne and some HYFR video type celebration, afterwards Lebron stays home with the wife and kids while Kyrie, Shumpert, and JR Smith go party with Drizzy?  This is 2015, they could just get on Drake's G-7 and fly to NYC for some bubbles and drunk pizza at 1-Oak.  Drake...if you ain't the greatest, then you headed for it.

Let's talk about the Warriors:

These front running sonsabitches cannot win tight games, but they sure know how to work with a lead.  Go big or go home.  Steph is the only kid on the squad who can create a shot in good times, bad times, sickness or in health.  When he gets it going, homedude is like a young Nick Cannon with a snare drum just flippin’ it around his waist, chewing on his mouth guard, pushing the drumline forward, doing a solo on HIS drum, doing a solo on YOUR drum. 

Steph might get punched eventually for being too fucking fresh, just like Nick Cannon did.  By the way, things I love about that scene:  1. The fat guy who socks Nick Cannon looks like Big Baby.  2. The little guy who goes flying into the scrum like Marcus Allen on the 1 yard line 3. Earlier in that scene, the red guys throw cocaine on their drums, and Orlando Jones is like..."Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming", and Nick Cannon is like "pssh, I've seen coke on a drum before.  These fuckbois ain't bout shit."

Anyway, as Steph goes, the Dubs go, and there’s really no backup plan.  Klay Thompson?  Tony Allen put a hurtin' on his bleached cornbread white honkey ass.  The Dubs are lucky TA got injured.  For a second there I thought GSW got their dicks caught in the Memphis grindhouse, and we were all gonna be eating Warrior dick sausage for a week.  Then, the MVP dropped his drumsticks in Mike Conley’s face, pulled out a second pair he had hidden, tossed one in from 3/4 court, and continued raining 3’s.  Sorry if you didn’t follow that whole reference, but it’s your fault for not watching Drumline.  Good news for the Dubs is they advance with no health concerns.  Bad news is Klay.  Sure, he's gonna get paid, but his heart pumps Kool-aid.  I'd hate to rely on that guy for a bucket in a tight game.

RIP Grizz.  I really like that squad.  Mike Conley a balla.  Marc is the Gasol you wanna be.  When Tony Allen starts flexin’ his First Team All Defense nuts, it’s like listening to DMX at the gym.  I hope they make another run next year, but I just can’t imagine Z-Bo doing Z-Bo things forever.  It has to end for that guy someday, right?  Compared to Clips V. Rockets, this Dubs V Grizz was a real treat.

#Fuckboibasketball

I spent a recent weekend in Nawlins, and long story short, I called a few people a "Fuckboi".  I also got called a fuckboi a few times, deservedly, but the question came up:  What is a fuckboi?  Well, one could look it up on urban dictionary, but the easy way to define it for you  is to say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi".  Even if you don't know what it means, if I say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi", your cognitive brain is like "you're right, that fuckboi ain't bout shit".  You gonna let Deandre Jordan take the "athletic big man” crown?  Cause he took it from you, Dwight. You gonna let Matt Barnes talk dirty to your Mom on Mothers Day?  Damn, you a fuckboi Dwight.

Thing is, though, the Rockets beat the Clips and the Clips beat the Spurs.  I feel dirty just saying that.  I refuse to admit that a team that starts Matt Barnes beat the Spurs in a game 7 more than the Spurs beat themselves.   Matt Barnes is such a thug, right? So thug that he went to a high school with a pretty good water polo team.  Kobe didn’t blink.  James Harden didn't either.  Don’t let the neck tats fool you: Matt Barnes a fuckboi.  Blake Griffin?  Most talented Redbone in NBA history, bar none.  Unstoppable at times.  Goes soft as a sock during tight 4th quarter playoff games.  When he decided it was time to try to do an And-1 crossover on Marco Bellinelli, up 2 with 15 seconds left, and he bounced it off his foot and blew game 2, I knew he had the ghosts of Karl Malone and Chris Webber in him.  It takes real balls for Steve Ballmer not to sell this bunch of fuckbois after they practically won the series in game 6, then got outscored by 30 in the closing quarter, and rolled over in game 7.  And this is the team that beat the Spurs in 7?  AGHHH.  

Anyway, I'm clearly bummed that the West Finals isn't Dubs v. Spurs.  At least these teams have some interesting matchups.  Harden v Steph is an MVP-off.  Ariza and Iguodala are 2 of my favorite NBA players.  Josh Smith v Draymond will have sparks.  The Dubs have a big advantage on the bench, but Dwight, fuckboi as he is, creates some problems down low for the Warriors.  I hate to break it to Andrew Bogut, but Andrew Bogut ain't bout shit.  I got a real laugh out of him and the Warriors GM talking about how they knew the whole Monte Ellis for Bogut trade would work out in the long run.  That trade was all about getting rid of Monte at all costs.  Bogut's contract matched, and the Bucks were desperate enough to take on Monte.  Bogut isn't that tight, it just so happens the Warriors never got around to signing a real Center.  This is, however, still the Steph Curry show, and the Dubs go to the NBA finals after 6 games.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Fill it up again!!

Oh. Man.  This is great.  The garbage round 1 matchups are finally over and we get to dig into the good stuff with no Kevin Love, no Rondo, and no Milwaukee Bucks.  So, basically no bitch-asses.

Oh wait.  Lebron.  And the GOD DAMN Clippers.  Ugh!

The Cleveland Lebron's v. Bulls:

Kevin Love, you were probably that kid growing up who went crying to his mom when one of your friends accidentally broke your super soaker.  You pulled the white privilege card so fast when that Canadian priest accidentally dislocated your shoulder.  Queue the violin music:

"It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths... There's not a doubt in my mind that he did it on purpose...HHUMPHFF... I expect the league to take swift action...HHUMPHFF.  And if they don't, my Dad is friends with the D.A.  HHUMPHFFF.  I'm the Prince of Cleveland. HHUMPHFFF.  My teammates better go out there and retaliate, or I'm signing with the Lakers next year....HHUMPHFF!!!!"

Such a ho.  He got Kendrick Perkins and JR Smith all in a tizzy during halftime, somehow fixin' to kill Jae Crowder as a retaliation?  Why is every team that Lebron is on such a bag of farts?  Anyway, the Cavs are no less imposing without Love.  Any NBA player, except maybe Perkins, can knock down the open looks K. Love gets off of Kyrie and Lebron.

Meanwhile, the Bulls just pulled off a classic Pau "Cat Piss" Gasol series, where they dominate for 3 games, then all of a sudden ol' Big Bird starts flailing around like the plastic bag from American Beauty.  Nonetheless, they got out of Milwaukee with Derek Rose still intact, which is like winning the lottery for them.  I'm really excited to see what the Bulls can do.  I like to imagine Joakim Noah wearing a wife beater and doing a Bizzy Bone (RIP) impression while they listen to "Notorious Thugz" before the game. I also like to imagine Tom Thibodeau discussing his game plan with his coaching staff while he tears bloody leg meat off a turkey bone and pops whole cherry tomatoes with his front teeth like the Steward of Gondor from Lord of the Rings.

"We will not rest our starters."

In my dream world, Derek Rose blows our minds with a 2013-esque throwback performance, and Lebron gets leg cramps before halftime of game 3 (otherwise known as the universal Lebron sign for "I'm folding.  This series is over in 5")  In reality, Derek Rose is still too rusty.  Cavs in 7, with a couple of really painful to watch dunks on Big Bird.

Hawks vs. 'Zards:

Hmmm.  John Wall will definitely ball the fuck out.  But..Hawks in 6?  Hard to say, neither of these teams really stands out as "good".  Either way the winner of this series gets the pleasure of having their dick snapped off like a celery stock by Lebron in the East Finals.  My best hope for this series is that a savvy female sideline reporter decides to interview 2 Chainz during a game:

Rachel Nichols:  2 Chainz, is it true that you used to go by the name "Tity Boi" because you're a mama's boy who loved being breastfed?

2 Chainz:  Yeah.  It's not meant to be a derogatory "I love stripper tits" kinda name.  More like a "I love my Mom" kinda name.  I actually respect women.

Nichols:  Fascinating.  Mr. Chainz, the Hawks are by all accounts, good, but they don't really appear to have any particularly good players who do anything particularly well.  What do you make of your hometown team?

2 Chainz: They different, yeah.  They different.  Jeff Teague is ballin' like he got Spalding leather in his Benz seats.  And, Kyle Korver, I mean, I'm pretty sure he ain't got no ass cheeks, but you can't leave him open.  They just need to get that 4th quarter figured out.

Nichols:  You're right, Kyle Korver's ass is as flat as a pancake.  2 Chainz, any advice for the team?

Chainz:  Middle finger up to tha competition.

Nichols:  Thanks, Tity Boi.  I'm Rachel Nichols, E-S-P-ENNNNNNN

Western Conference:

The Dubs vs. The GRIZZ

I really like the Grizz.  Super gritty team. Always down to put their nuts on the table.  Too many good characters on the team, and I haven't even mentioned Tony Allen.  I'll let him speak for himself:




Unfortunately for the Grizz, nuts on the table and all, the Warriors are gonna bang them shits with a spiked bat  BLAAOWWW, especially if they don't get Mike Conley back.  Conley's backups are: a white guy with more hair on his chest than on his head, and a guy named Beano.  The Warriors can dominate without even getting their hands dirty.  Steph Curry has mind control over everyone and everything in the arena.  Even his mouth guard defies the odds.  That thing gets flipped around all day, chewed on, touched by his hands every other play, which touch the ball every play, which touches everybody else's hands, including Shaun Livingston's hands, which touch sweaty dicks....and somehow Curry doesn't have e-coli yet.  This just feels like the Warrior's year.  Dubs in 5.

Clips v. Rockets:

The Spurs just didn't have it this year.  The Clips eventually cleaned just enough of their own shit out of their shoes to elevate and win game 7.  I hope the Spurs are at Matt Bonner's house right now watching "Remember the Titans" and getting pumped for another comeback.

2 things I hate about the Clippers advancing:

1. More temper tantrums, fake injuries, crying, and general turdiness.  These guys cry like their ice cream cone got knocked over when calls don't go their way.  They roll around like they got shot when they sprain something.  Big Baby's sprained cankle required a wheelchair after he finished the play he sprained it on and walked on it for a while.  Yeah, he suited up the next game.  And their owner, who is clearly on some sort of cocktail of uppers, downers, laughers, cryers, farters, and snorters, is being encouraged to act this way by the media types who just eat it up.

2.  I did not factor LA into my 2015 Which team is Drake suiting up for? sweepstakes  LA is the entertainment capital of the world.  Lots of cameras in Staples Center.  There's also a lot of hip hop guys in LA, but LA is still a Lakers town.  I don't see Snoop or Ice Cube throwing away their purple and gold just yet.  Maybe the Clips need a hip hop celebrity to be the face of their LA takeover?  Sounds reasonable, but the thing about LA and hip hop is, sometimes out of towners show up in LA and leave in a body bag, with no witnesses, no leads, and no suspects.  And Suge Knight plead not guilty.  What if he gets out?.  I wouldn't risk it if I was Drake.

Anyway, this series is gonna probably be pretty good.  Harden vs CP3 is a great matchup.  Deandre vs. Dwight is good, too.  Gonna be a lot of bricked free throws, dunks, crossovers, broken ankles, maybe even a brawl?  Ultimately I think the Clips have more firepower.  Griffin and Deandre are a tall order for Dwight.  Clips in 6.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Who's Drizzy goin' 0 to 100 with?

One of the underrated things to follow in the NBA is who Drake becomes a fan of once the Raptors are out of the running.  Toronto is done getting their dicks tied in a knot by the likes of Paul Pierce, but Drake ain't about to spend the rest of the playoffs at home bein' on some chill shit.  Whose locker room is Drizzy gonna try to break into come June? Man, Ain't NOO Tellin'.  The past couple of years, he's been a Miami Heat fan, I'm guessing because of his connections with Rick Ross, and of course because Miami was destined to win at least 1 title with Lebron.  This year, 'Bron is gone, and Chris Bosh's lungs are full of bloodclat, so the door is open for another superteam to get drunk with him and eat pizza on stage while he performs.  I'm guessing the "winning" team will be one in a city with clubs that go up on a Tuesday, star player(s) who like Drake, and a hip hop scene that is relatively unclaimed (Unlike Washington DC- Wale).  Bonus points thrown in for good throwback jerseys.  

Teams that have lost or are going to lose in the 1st round (I ain't trippin', let em rest in peace):

Pelicans, Celtics (RIP Jae Crowder), Bucks, Nets, Mavs (RIP Rondo), Blazers, and Clippers (I could end up being wrong on this one, but I won't)

Lest likely candidates to pick up Drake in round 2:

San Antonio, because the nightlife sucks there.  Tony Parker tried to start his own night club there when he was young and wanted make millions to work the night shift, but the club went tits up on a Tuesday because the only commercial leases available in San Antonio are strip malls.  Also, hard to imagine Kawhi Leonard listening to Drake.  I bet he likes Linkin Park.

Atlanta, because 2 Chainz already got more blocks in Atlanta than Dikembe.  No room for Aubrey here.

C'MON JOHN WALL!  D-UP TITTY BOI aka 2 CHAINZ!!. 

Memphis, because nobody really wants to hit the club with Z-Bo.  Cross him and he might make you disappear.  You probably don't want to risk pissing off the 3-6 Mafia either.  

Washington.  I know Drizzy and Paul Pierce are basically a couple like-minded bros with a similar style who happened to be on opposite sides of a playoff battle, but switchin' lanes isn't something the 6 God can really do.  Drake remember everythaaang.  This was cute, tho...

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a stone cold sober, hyper-focused athlete when a super blazed rapper tries to make conversation with them during a game.  Is it annoying to them?  Entertaining?  Motivating?  I'm very curious to know. 

Anyway, here are the most likely candidates to join Miami as Drake's 2nd favorite team:

Cleveland:  This one makes logical sense.  Drake could stay on the Lebron bandwagon and keep on "being media".  This would be a clean transition from being a Miami Heat fan.  However, the nightlife in Cleveland is terrible, so much so that JR Smith credits his improved play on the lack of clubbin' compared to NYC.  Hard to picture Drake doing a show at a dive bar full of depressed white folks.  On top of that, Lebron seems a bit more grown nowadays.  He lost the headband, moved back home for his wife and kids.  Maybe 'Bron realized "mu'fuckas never loved us" and turned the page on all that. 

Chicago:  I mean, it has all the right elements to appeal to Drake.  Urban city, hot night life, Jordan throwback jerseys.  Kanye is the biggest rapper from the Chi, but he might as well be the Sultan of Agrabah with his exotic wife and his weird-ass leather poopy pants.  Sounds like the territory is all yours if you want it, Aubrey.  You could slide right in like truffle butter.  The trick will be convincing the socially awkward Derek Rose into getting bombed and eating pizza with you at a nightclub.

I wonder if 100% of Kanye's ball sweat rolls down his pant legs and into his shoes, or just most of it.

Golden State:  This seems like a good fit.  Nightlife is great in the Bay, it's still urban despite the rapid gentrification, and the Warriors have some of the best throwback jerseys in league history. Plus, Steph Curry's whole on-court swagged out demeanor looks like he stole it from the "Started from the Bottom" video.  But, if Dreezy wants to be embraced by Oakland, he's gonna have to reach out to The Ambassador to The Bay, Mr. Earl "E-40" Fonzorelli Stevens, the greatest game spitter of all time, yet.  Normally I would venture to guess that Drake's ghetto report card doesn't have enough A-1's on it for 40 Water to join him in the studio, but then again Big $ean made it past the front door, so who knows? This is how I imagine the exchange going down:

Text from Drake:  "Yo Earl!  The 6 got love for the Bay, family.  We should get in the studio.  Oh, and let's get floor seats for Game 1 at Oracle.  You can look at my instagram while I flex for Jessica Alba."

Collect Call from E-40:  "What's cookin' pimperoni?  Me and my yeepolizations was thinking the same thing.  One problem, though.  My fetti on the inured list.  Lost all my yayper on a recent business venture.  Turns out nobody wants to pay $20/bottle for Mangostato aka Mad Dog 20/20 in a fancy bottle.  I'ma need you to pay for the studio time, nephew.  Scrimscramscribblydab!"

Drake: ........

So maybe not a great fit for Drake, but I could be wrong.

Houston:  I would bet 10 bands, 20 bands, 100 bands, fuck it man, on Drake becoming a Houston Rockets fan.  Drake has ins with Bun B, probably already owns a Robert Horry throwback, and I'm sure he probably already has kids, love interest, or a crush on a stripper in Houston.  I could easily imagine Dwight Howard and James Harden getting boozed up at The Mink and eatin' pizza while Drake runs through the 6 with his WOES!

Whatever happens, the thing for us all to remember before we join the bandwagon of people trying to troll Drake is that Drake is way way way blessed.  He hardly forgets anything.  He lives vicariously through himself.  He is media.  One day we'll all gain an understanding of how this goes.  He wrote it in code, then wrote it in stone.  ...or whatever the fuck he's talking about on Twitter, I'm lost.  

You know I got's to make these 1st round predictions

Western Conference:

Dubs V. Pelicans:  I really would love to love the Warriors, but I only just like them.  I was poised to jump on the bandwagon last year when I bought an Andre Iguodala replica jersey, but when the TV camera turns to the fans at Oracle Arena, I realize I don’t want to be associated with this:

and especially not THIS:

There’s a lot to like here, even if these little Silicon Valley trust fund shitheads represent the Warriors fanbase.  Steph Curry’s jumper is so wet he doesn’t even watch it go in anymore.  The roster is stacked.  Draymond Green might be my favorite old-school style player.  I also get to entertain myself during Warriors games with fun thoughts like  “I wonder if I could bench press more than Steph Curry”, or “I heard Sean Livingston reached between the spigots and yanked on Dirk’s Nowitskis.  Let’s google that.”  Also, a word of warning: googling youtube videos of Sean Livingston will send you down a rabbit hole of gruesome sports injuries, including Golden State's own Andrew Bogut turning his arm into a backwards arm.  Anyway, I like the Warriors to win this series in 6, but I’ll admit I’m rooting for the Pelicans here.  Not because of Anthony Davis, who I do like, but because I’m going to Nawlins in a few weeks.  If the Pilicans advance, I can add playoff basketball to my already exciting agenda of crushing Purple Daiquiri’s and eating crawfish po’boys until my trap door fails.

Spurs v.  Clip Show

Because the West is so stacked, there was bound to be at least one tragic 1^st round matchup.  This is that one.  Both of these teams are good enough to make the West Finals.  S'here matchup features the majesty of Chris Paul (and his not so impressive physique) breaking ankles and tossing it up to a big ol' Redbone for some of the most powerful dunks of the year.  By the way, I know I bag on CP3 every year, but he looks like Carlton standing next to Bar Rafaeli.  C'mon, Chris!  FLEEEEEX

On the other side of the court, we have Lebron kryptonite.  Sugar K Leonard can wreck CP3's whole afternoon by knocking the ball loose, grabbing it off the floor with one hand, flinging it through the net in 1.2 seconds, and reacting like a marathon runner on the lookout for a porta-potty.   The Spurs are slowly going to squeeze the life out of CP3 by making him chase perimeter passes.  Eventually, Tim Duncan is gonna prepare his New Balance BB82's for liftoff and uncork a one-handed cliffhanger style dunk in Blake Griffin’s face that'll shake Redbone to his core.  Shots will stop going in for the Clip show, the Spurs will advance in 7.

Blazers v. Grizzlies

Fuck this matchup, honestly.  It could have been soo good, but the Blazers are so banged up they’re barely a shade of themselves.  The Grizzlies are also dead in the water in round 2 if Mike Conley’s foot needs to be wrapped in a pillow every 5 minutes.  I do enjoy watching Z-Bo get turnt up, tho.  His vertical leap probably peaked in High School and has been declining ever since, but he somehow pulls offensive rebounds like there’s a black hole beneath him.  I like to imagine Z-Bo going home after the game and running an organized crime syndicate from a burner stashed in his home theater.  I also like to imagine Marc Gasol preparing for a game by tearing through a whole rack of ribs like it’s made out of tissue paper.  Another thing I like to imagine is Juicy J rolling blunts and dipping them in codeine while he watches Inside the NBA, and I bet he LOVES Shaqtin' a Fool.   Grizzlies in 6. 

The James Harden's vs. Mark Cuban’s turd sandwich

Ugh.  The Mavs?  They’re no fun to watch.  Dirk, Tyson Chandler, JJ Barrea…  it’s like they tried to re-create the team that beat Miami in the Finals 4 years ago.  Rondo is clearly over it, which makes him a perfect fit for the Lakers next year.  Chandler Parsons is better at looking like Ryan Scheckler than he is at playing basketball.  Their best player is Monte Ellis…. Somehow that was enough for the 7 seed in the stacked West?  I mean, Dallas is a pretty good team all around, but if I was playing “kill, fuck, marry” with all the teams in the playoffs, the Mavs and the Nets would be a “kill” every time.  Dirk won his title.  Time to move on.  

James Harden is going to eviscerate this assembly of turdz with his black magic, flicka da wrist basketball voodoo.  I’m not sure how he pulls it off over and over again, but HE’S DRIVING LEFT AND HE’S GONNA LEAN IN FOR A FOUL!!.  Somehow nobody can stop him.  It’s amazing.  Nobody likes Dwight Howard, though.  That much is clear.  I have a theory that he eats 6 lbs of chicken breast and hot dogs cooked on a George Foreman grill every day, and the whole front row is just getting wafted with his meat farts.  He is still a man among boys in this matchup, though.  Rockets in 5.

The Eastern Conference:

This year’s first round in the D-League Eastern Conference features 3 series sweeps and one “who gives a shit” series. 

Teams who won’t win a playoff game:  Milwaukee, Boston, and Brooklyn.  I like the Greek Freak, but not this year.  Boston has some intrigue to me because they were about to tank, then the Phoenix Suns pooped the bed so hard, Boston made the playoffs.  Not sure why the Suns traded Isaiah Thomas, but I’m sure someone should be fired for it.  Brooklyn is a bunch of hot overpaid garbage and their owner is a Russian billionaire, which means he’s probably done some extremely immoral shit.

Toronto and Washington might be worth the watch if John Wall breaks out, but their coach is lost.   Toronto would be more interesting if they tried to do anything to improve their marketability other than associate themselves with Drake.  Having your head of basketball operations stand in the city center yelling “FUCK PAUL PIERCE” is not very good marketing.   Their on-court play is, in a word, yuck.  Neither one of these teams could beat the Utah Jazz in a 7 game series.

The important thing in the East is that somebody better beat Lebron.  The fact that the East sucks so bad makes me dislike Lebron even more.  He stayed in the East because he knows it's easy to make the finals.  Part of me wants a Cavs v Spurs final so we can see this again.  Man, Lebron is such a bitch.

And with that, here’s to 2 months of my fiancé watching Netflix on the iPad while I stream league pass on the big screen, sneak IPA’s and listen to 2 Chainz.

Boogie Cousins is not an All-Star

As the slow grind of the WWE, errrr, I mean NFL season comes to a halt, we sports fans can finally look forward to the most entertaining 6 months in all of sports:  the portion of the NBA season from All-Star Break 'till the Free Agency.  I don't know about you, but I've heard enough complaining about Roger Goodell, listened to enough Belichick gargling, and watched enough one handed catches by Odell Beckham to last me until 2016.  Good job NFL.  Playing football games is now the second most entertaining thing you do.

So, let's talk NBA All Star Rosters, and why Boogie Cousins didn't really deserve to be on it.  Yes, he averages something like 24pts and 14 rbs.  Yes, those are very good numbers, and no there aren't many big men in the league putting up numbers like that.  First of all, it's easy to score a lot of points when you're the #1, #2, and #3 option on your team ahead of #4, which is Rudy Gaye.  Second of all, it's really easy to get a lot of rebounds when you miss a lot of layups.  About once a week, I'll treat myself to some Sacramento sports talk radio to see what's up with Kings fans.  This month I found out there are a lot of Kings fans who believe Boogie is the most dominant big man since Shaq.  I would like to remind anybody who is thinking about comparing Boogie to Shaq, that Shaq once tore down an entire basketball hoop.

I would also like to present Exhibit A for reasons why Boogie is not an All-Star, with a reminder that this is not a clip from last season, in which Boogie's attitude problems were well chronicled.  This is a clip from a few days ago, after Boogie was named as the alternate on the All-Star roster.

The owner of that video generously named it "Kings forget to play defense".  The real title of that video should be "Boogie sucks wind behind the 3-pt line while watching Mareese Speights walk toward the easiest 2 points he will ever score".   Simply put, ALL-STARS DON'T DO SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!  Tim Duncan is 50 years old and has absolutely nothing to prove and you will never see him take a play off like Boogie took that one off.

I would now like to present Exhibit B.  Yeah, that would make the Kings the 3rd worst team in the Western Conference.  Not that being a bad team in the West is as bad as being a bad team in the East.. the Magic, Sixers, and Knicks are on some straight JV shit.. but you shouldn't get to be an All Star if your team is garbage compared to 80% of your conference, which the Kings still are.

Boogie Cousins is not an All Star, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D.  Everyone agrees that the fan voting approach is flawed because it's an annual guarantee that the Chinese fans will vote in 1 or 2 players who just aren't on that level.  This year, that guy was Kobe, and the basketball gods responded by tearing Kobe's rotator cuff and ending his season.  When these things happen, and they do every year, the alternates picked usually go to the fanbase who cries the loudest for their guy who got snubbed.   This year, Grant Napear Nation crapped their collective pants about Boogie's 24 and 14 not making the All Star Team, so Adam Silver quickly slid Boogie in there as a non-controversial pick for an alternate.  I guarantee he woke up the next day and kicked himself for forgetting that he just filled a shooting guard spot with a power forward instead of putting THIS GUY on display.

Dame Lillard is a fuckin baller, and I'd way rather see him dunking on Pau Gasol than watch Boogie try to post up and crybaby his way to a boring double-double.   Lillard might not put up John Wall numbers, but he is the baby Black Mamba.  Unfortunately for him, he plays the deepest position in the league and for some reason people still think Chris Paul is the PGMVP.  In any case, we get to see what Boogie does in the All Star game, then snooze our way through the remainder of what the Kings would call "the season" while Sactown fans try to talk themselves into a summer 2015 breakout for Nick Stauskas.