Oh wait. Lebron. And the GOD DAMN Clippers. Ugh!
The Cleveland Lebron's v. Bulls:
Kevin Love, you were probably that kid growing up who went crying to his mom when one of your friends accidentally broke your super soaker. You pulled the white privilege card so fast when that Canadian priest accidentally dislocated your shoulder. Queue the violin music:
"It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths... There's not a doubt in my mind that he did it on purpose...HHUMPHFF... I expect the league to take swift action...HHUMPHFF. And if they don't, my Dad is friends with the D.A. HHUMPHFFF. I'm the Prince of Cleveland. HHUMPHFFF. My teammates better go out there and retaliate, or I'm signing with the Lakers next year....HHUMPHFF!!!!"
Such a ho. He got Kendrick Perkins and JR Smith all in a tizzy during halftime, somehow fixin' to kill Jae Crowder as a retaliation? Why is every team that Lebron is on such a bag of farts? Anyway, the Cavs are no less imposing without Love. Any NBA player, except maybe Perkins, can knock down the open looks K. Love gets off of Kyrie and Lebron.
Meanwhile, the Bulls just pulled off a classic Pau "Cat Piss" Gasol series, where they dominate for 3 games, then all of a sudden ol' Big Bird starts flailing around like the plastic bag from American Beauty. Nonetheless, they got out of Milwaukee with Derek Rose still intact, which is like winning the lottery for them. I'm really excited to see what the Bulls can do. I like to imagine Joakim Noah wearing a wife beater and doing a Bizzy Bone (RIP) impression while they listen to "Notorious Thugz" before the game. I also like to imagine Tom Thibodeau discussing his game plan with his coaching staff while he tears bloody leg meat off a turkey bone and pops whole cherry tomatoes with his front teeth like the Steward of Gondor from Lord of the Rings.
| "We will not rest our starters." |
In my dream world, Derek Rose blows our minds with a 2013-esque throwback performance, and Lebron gets leg cramps before halftime of game 3 (otherwise known as the universal Lebron sign for "I'm folding. This series is over in 5") In reality, Derek Rose is still too rusty. Cavs in 7, with a couple of really painful to watch dunks on Big Bird.
Hawks vs. 'Zards:
Hmmm. John Wall will definitely ball the fuck out. But..Hawks in 6? Hard to say, neither of these teams really stands out as "good". Either way the winner of this series gets the pleasure of having their dick snapped off like a celery stock by Lebron in the East Finals. My best hope for this series is that a savvy female sideline reporter decides to interview 2 Chainz during a game:
Rachel Nichols: 2 Chainz, is it true that you used to go by the name "Tity Boi" because you're a mama's boy who loved being breastfed?
2 Chainz: Yeah. It's not meant to be a derogatory "I love stripper tits" kinda name. More like a "I love my Mom" kinda name. I actually respect women.
Nichols: Fascinating. Mr. Chainz, the Hawks are by all accounts, good, but they don't really appear to have any particularly good players who do anything particularly well. What do you make of your hometown team?
2 Chainz: They different, yeah. They different. Jeff Teague is ballin' like he got Spalding leather in his Benz seats. And, Kyle Korver, I mean, I'm pretty sure he ain't got no ass cheeks, but you can't leave him open. They just need to get that 4th quarter figured out.
Nichols: You're right, Kyle Korver's ass is as flat as a pancake. 2 Chainz, any advice for the team?
Chainz: Middle finger up to tha competition.
Nichols: Thanks, Tity Boi. I'm Rachel Nichols, E-S-P-ENNNNNNN
Western Conference:
The Dubs vs. The GRIZZ
I really like the Grizz. Super gritty team. Always down to put their nuts on the table. Too many good characters on the team, and I haven't even mentioned Tony Allen. I'll let him speak for himself:
Unfortunately for the Grizz, nuts on the table and all, the Warriors are gonna bang them shits with a spiked bat BLAAOWWW, especially if they don't get Mike Conley back. Conley's backups are: a white guy with more hair on his chest than on his head, and a guy named Beano. The Warriors can dominate without even getting their hands dirty. Steph Curry has mind control over everyone and everything in the arena. Even his mouth guard defies the odds. That thing gets flipped around all day, chewed on, touched by his hands every other play, which touch the ball every play, which touches everybody else's hands, including Shaun Livingston's hands, which touch sweaty dicks....and somehow Curry doesn't have e-coli yet. This just feels like the Warrior's year. Dubs in 5.
Clips v. Rockets:
The Spurs just didn't have it this year. The Clips eventually cleaned just enough of their own shit out of their shoes to elevate and win game 7. I hope the Spurs are at Matt Bonner's house right now watching "Remember the Titans" and getting pumped for another comeback.
2 things I hate about the Clippers advancing:
1. More temper tantrums, fake injuries, crying, and general turdiness. These guys cry like their ice cream cone got knocked over when calls don't go their way. They roll around like they got shot when they sprain something. Big Baby's sprained cankle required a wheelchair after he finished the play he sprained it on and walked on it for a while. Yeah, he suited up the next game. And their owner, who is clearly on some sort of cocktail of uppers, downers, laughers, cryers, farters, and snorters, is being encouraged to act this way by the media types who just eat it up.
2. I did not factor LA into my 2015 Which team is Drake suiting up for? sweepstakes LA is the entertainment capital of the world. Lots of cameras in Staples Center. There's also a lot of hip hop guys in LA, but LA is still a Lakers town. I don't see Snoop or Ice Cube throwing away their purple and gold just yet. Maybe the Clips need a hip hop celebrity to be the face of their LA takeover? Sounds reasonable, but the thing about LA and hip hop is, sometimes out of towners show up in LA and leave in a body bag, with no witnesses, no leads, and no suspects. And Suge Knight plead not guilty. What if he gets out?. I wouldn't risk it if I was Drake.
Anyway, this series is gonna probably be pretty good. Harden vs CP3 is a great matchup. Deandre vs. Dwight is good, too. Gonna be a lot of bricked free throws, dunks, crossovers, broken ankles, maybe even a brawl? Ultimately I think the Clips have more firepower. Griffin and Deandre are a tall order for Dwight. Clips in 6.
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