NBA Conference Finals: Lebron's inevitability, the search for Drake, and a requiem for Spurs v Dubs

Guyz, the Lebron James experience is starting to get repetitive.  There's a sequence of events here.  Step 1. Lebron leaves his team and signs up with a superteam, ESPN creams collective shorts.  Step 2. Superteam has an overblown “tumultuous” regular season, ESPN craps collective pants.  Step 3. Superteam figures it out toward the end of the season, runs off a huge winning streak, looks unstoppable, ESPN melts collective panties.  Step 4.  Lebron becomes "besties" with his new teammates, Brian Windhorst compares current Lebron team to his high school team and ESPN creams shorts again thinking about how good of a teammate Lebron is.  Step 5. Two of Lebron’s super teammates get injured or banged up in the playoffs. “It's all on Lebron’s shoulders, now.  The same way it has been since he was a highly touted Junior at St. Vincent-St. Mary's” Step 6.  Lebron cakewalks to the conference finals because it doesn't matter who gets injured.  Lebron could win the East with Bugs at point guard, Taz at Center, and Bull Murray coming off the bench.  In all seriousness, the Cavs could trade Mozgov for Brittney Greiner right now, and they would still beat the Hawks.  THE EAST SUCKS!!!  Lebron is the 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th best player in the East depending on what position he’s playing.  Hurricane ‘Bron is coming, and the Hawks better board up their windows before their dicks get scattered to the wind. 

I’d like to say it’s been fun watching the Hawks win 50 games and make it to the conference finals, but… it hasn't been.  Kyle Korver was tight back when Iverson played for the Sixers.  Watching him run around screens all day long in a furious effort to get open is like watching a contestant on American Gladiators try to hit a target with a nerf football while Nitro blasts his ass with a fucking tennis ball cannon.  He's like having a sniper rifle in a N64 Goldeneye battle with grenade launchers.  Cavs in 6.

Where. Is. Drake?

Dawg, this subplot got boring.  I thought for sure we'd see Aubrey court side, at least as a neutral fan, at least at one round 2 game somewhere.  Clearly, Kanye boxed him out of Chicago by sitting next to Scottie Pippen and pulling an impromptu "I'ma let you finish" during a TV timeout.  I'm still not sure why Drake's not on Houston's bandwagon yet.  He's not embarrassed to no longer be "on some Raptors pay my bills shit" is he?  No.  No way.  He's only 27 and he's only getting better.  C'mon Drake!  You already wrote for us.  What's one more quote for us?  

Wait a second, I see where this is going.  Lebron is lurking.  The Cavs are coming in hot in the Drake is my #1 fan Sweepstakes.  What if the Cavs win it all, Drake waltzes into the locker room for some champagne and some HYFR video type celebration, afterwards Lebron stays home with the wife and kids while Kyrie, Shumpert, and JR Smith go party with Drizzy?  This is 2015, they could just get on Drake's G-7 and fly to NYC for some bubbles and drunk pizza at 1-Oak.  Drake...if you ain't the greatest, then you headed for it.

Let's talk about the Warriors:

These front running sonsabitches cannot win tight games, but they sure know how to work with a lead.  Go big or go home.  Steph is the only kid on the squad who can create a shot in good times, bad times, sickness or in health.  When he gets it going, homedude is like a young Nick Cannon with a snare drum just flippin’ it around his waist, chewing on his mouth guard, pushing the drumline forward, doing a solo on HIS drum, doing a solo on YOUR drum. 

Steph might get punched eventually for being too fucking fresh, just like Nick Cannon did.  By the way, things I love about that scene:  1. The fat guy who socks Nick Cannon looks like Big Baby.  2. The little guy who goes flying into the scrum like Marcus Allen on the 1 yard line 3. Earlier in that scene, the red guys throw cocaine on their drums, and Orlando Jones is like..."Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming", and Nick Cannon is like "pssh, I've seen coke on a drum before.  These fuckbois ain't bout shit."

Anyway, as Steph goes, the Dubs go, and there’s really no backup plan.  Klay Thompson?  Tony Allen put a hurtin' on his bleached cornbread white honkey ass.  The Dubs are lucky TA got injured.  For a second there I thought GSW got their dicks caught in the Memphis grindhouse, and we were all gonna be eating Warrior dick sausage for a week.  Then, the MVP dropped his drumsticks in Mike Conley’s face, pulled out a second pair he had hidden, tossed one in from 3/4 court, and continued raining 3’s.  Sorry if you didn’t follow that whole reference, but it’s your fault for not watching Drumline.  Good news for the Dubs is they advance with no health concerns.  Bad news is Klay.  Sure, he's gonna get paid, but his heart pumps Kool-aid.  I'd hate to rely on that guy for a bucket in a tight game.

RIP Grizz.  I really like that squad.  Mike Conley a balla.  Marc is the Gasol you wanna be.  When Tony Allen starts flexin’ his First Team All Defense nuts, it’s like listening to DMX at the gym.  I hope they make another run next year, but I just can’t imagine Z-Bo doing Z-Bo things forever.  It has to end for that guy someday, right?  Compared to Clips V. Rockets, this Dubs V Grizz was a real treat.

#Fuckboibasketball

I spent a recent weekend in Nawlins, and long story short, I called a few people a "Fuckboi".  I also got called a fuckboi a few times, deservedly, but the question came up:  What is a fuckboi?  Well, one could look it up on urban dictionary, but the easy way to define it for you  is to say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi".  Even if you don't know what it means, if I say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi", your cognitive brain is like "you're right, that fuckboi ain't bout shit".  You gonna let Deandre Jordan take the "athletic big man” crown?  Cause he took it from you, Dwight. You gonna let Matt Barnes talk dirty to your Mom on Mothers Day?  Damn, you a fuckboi Dwight.

Thing is, though, the Rockets beat the Clips and the Clips beat the Spurs.  I feel dirty just saying that.  I refuse to admit that a team that starts Matt Barnes beat the Spurs in a game 7 more than the Spurs beat themselves.   Matt Barnes is such a thug, right? So thug that he went to a high school with a pretty good water polo team.  Kobe didn’t blink.  James Harden didn't either.  Don’t let the neck tats fool you: Matt Barnes a fuckboi.  Blake Griffin?  Most talented Redbone in NBA history, bar none.  Unstoppable at times.  Goes soft as a sock during tight 4th quarter playoff games.  When he decided it was time to try to do an And-1 crossover on Marco Bellinelli, up 2 with 15 seconds left, and he bounced it off his foot and blew game 2, I knew he had the ghosts of Karl Malone and Chris Webber in him.  It takes real balls for Steve Ballmer not to sell this bunch of fuckbois after they practically won the series in game 6, then got outscored by 30 in the closing quarter, and rolled over in game 7.  And this is the team that beat the Spurs in 7?  AGHHH.  

Anyway, I'm clearly bummed that the West Finals isn't Dubs v. Spurs.  At least these teams have some interesting matchups.  Harden v Steph is an MVP-off.  Ariza and Iguodala are 2 of my favorite NBA players.  Josh Smith v Draymond will have sparks.  The Dubs have a big advantage on the bench, but Dwight, fuckboi as he is, creates some problems down low for the Warriors.  I hate to break it to Andrew Bogut, but Andrew Bogut ain't bout shit.  I got a real laugh out of him and the Warriors GM talking about how they knew the whole Monte Ellis for Bogut trade would work out in the long run.  That trade was all about getting rid of Monte at all costs.  Bogut's contract matched, and the Bucks were desperate enough to take on Monte.  Bogut isn't that tight, it just so happens the Warriors never got around to signing a real Center.  This is, however, still the Steph Curry show, and the Dubs go to the NBA finals after 6 games.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Fill it up again!!

Oh. Man.  This is great.  The garbage round 1 matchups are finally over and we get to dig into the good stuff with no Kevin Love, no Rondo, and no Milwaukee Bucks.  So, basically no bitch-asses.

Oh wait.  Lebron.  And the GOD DAMN Clippers.  Ugh!

The Cleveland Lebron's v. Bulls:

Kevin Love, you were probably that kid growing up who went crying to his mom when one of your friends accidentally broke your super soaker.  You pulled the white privilege card so fast when that Canadian priest accidentally dislocated your shoulder.  Queue the violin music:

"It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths... There's not a doubt in my mind that he did it on purpose...HHUMPHFF... I expect the league to take swift action...HHUMPHFF.  And if they don't, my Dad is friends with the D.A.  HHUMPHFFF.  I'm the Prince of Cleveland. HHUMPHFFF.  My teammates better go out there and retaliate, or I'm signing with the Lakers next year....HHUMPHFF!!!!"

Such a ho.  He got Kendrick Perkins and JR Smith all in a tizzy during halftime, somehow fixin' to kill Jae Crowder as a retaliation?  Why is every team that Lebron is on such a bag of farts?  Anyway, the Cavs are no less imposing without Love.  Any NBA player, except maybe Perkins, can knock down the open looks K. Love gets off of Kyrie and Lebron.

Meanwhile, the Bulls just pulled off a classic Pau "Cat Piss" Gasol series, where they dominate for 3 games, then all of a sudden ol' Big Bird starts flailing around like the plastic bag from American Beauty.  Nonetheless, they got out of Milwaukee with Derek Rose still intact, which is like winning the lottery for them.  I'm really excited to see what the Bulls can do.  I like to imagine Joakim Noah wearing a wife beater and doing a Bizzy Bone (RIP) impression while they listen to "Notorious Thugz" before the game. I also like to imagine Tom Thibodeau discussing his game plan with his coaching staff while he tears bloody leg meat off a turkey bone and pops whole cherry tomatoes with his front teeth like the Steward of Gondor from Lord of the Rings.

"We will not rest our starters."

In my dream world, Derek Rose blows our minds with a 2013-esque throwback performance, and Lebron gets leg cramps before halftime of game 3 (otherwise known as the universal Lebron sign for "I'm folding.  This series is over in 5")  In reality, Derek Rose is still too rusty.  Cavs in 7, with a couple of really painful to watch dunks on Big Bird.

Hawks vs. 'Zards:

Hmmm.  John Wall will definitely ball the fuck out.  But..Hawks in 6?  Hard to say, neither of these teams really stands out as "good".  Either way the winner of this series gets the pleasure of having their dick snapped off like a celery stock by Lebron in the East Finals.  My best hope for this series is that a savvy female sideline reporter decides to interview 2 Chainz during a game:

Rachel Nichols:  2 Chainz, is it true that you used to go by the name "Tity Boi" because you're a mama's boy who loved being breastfed?

2 Chainz:  Yeah.  It's not meant to be a derogatory "I love stripper tits" kinda name.  More like a "I love my Mom" kinda name.  I actually respect women.

Nichols:  Fascinating.  Mr. Chainz, the Hawks are by all accounts, good, but they don't really appear to have any particularly good players who do anything particularly well.  What do you make of your hometown team?

2 Chainz: They different, yeah.  They different.  Jeff Teague is ballin' like he got Spalding leather in his Benz seats.  And, Kyle Korver, I mean, I'm pretty sure he ain't got no ass cheeks, but you can't leave him open.  They just need to get that 4th quarter figured out.

Nichols:  You're right, Kyle Korver's ass is as flat as a pancake.  2 Chainz, any advice for the team?

Chainz:  Middle finger up to tha competition.

Nichols:  Thanks, Tity Boi.  I'm Rachel Nichols, E-S-P-ENNNNNNN

Western Conference:

The Dubs vs. The GRIZZ

I really like the Grizz.  Super gritty team. Always down to put their nuts on the table.  Too many good characters on the team, and I haven't even mentioned Tony Allen.  I'll let him speak for himself:




Unfortunately for the Grizz, nuts on the table and all, the Warriors are gonna bang them shits with a spiked bat  BLAAOWWW, especially if they don't get Mike Conley back.  Conley's backups are: a white guy with more hair on his chest than on his head, and a guy named Beano.  The Warriors can dominate without even getting their hands dirty.  Steph Curry has mind control over everyone and everything in the arena.  Even his mouth guard defies the odds.  That thing gets flipped around all day, chewed on, touched by his hands every other play, which touch the ball every play, which touches everybody else's hands, including Shaun Livingston's hands, which touch sweaty dicks....and somehow Curry doesn't have e-coli yet.  This just feels like the Warrior's year.  Dubs in 5.

Clips v. Rockets:

The Spurs just didn't have it this year.  The Clips eventually cleaned just enough of their own shit out of their shoes to elevate and win game 7.  I hope the Spurs are at Matt Bonner's house right now watching "Remember the Titans" and getting pumped for another comeback.

2 things I hate about the Clippers advancing:

1. More temper tantrums, fake injuries, crying, and general turdiness.  These guys cry like their ice cream cone got knocked over when calls don't go their way.  They roll around like they got shot when they sprain something.  Big Baby's sprained cankle required a wheelchair after he finished the play he sprained it on and walked on it for a while.  Yeah, he suited up the next game.  And their owner, who is clearly on some sort of cocktail of uppers, downers, laughers, cryers, farters, and snorters, is being encouraged to act this way by the media types who just eat it up.

2.  I did not factor LA into my 2015 Which team is Drake suiting up for? sweepstakes  LA is the entertainment capital of the world.  Lots of cameras in Staples Center.  There's also a lot of hip hop guys in LA, but LA is still a Lakers town.  I don't see Snoop or Ice Cube throwing away their purple and gold just yet.  Maybe the Clips need a hip hop celebrity to be the face of their LA takeover?  Sounds reasonable, but the thing about LA and hip hop is, sometimes out of towners show up in LA and leave in a body bag, with no witnesses, no leads, and no suspects.  And Suge Knight plead not guilty.  What if he gets out?.  I wouldn't risk it if I was Drake.

Anyway, this series is gonna probably be pretty good.  Harden vs CP3 is a great matchup.  Deandre vs. Dwight is good, too.  Gonna be a lot of bricked free throws, dunks, crossovers, broken ankles, maybe even a brawl?  Ultimately I think the Clips have more firepower.  Griffin and Deandre are a tall order for Dwight.  Clips in 6.