NBA Playoffs Round 2: Who's Drizzy goin' 0 to 100 with?

One of the underrated things to follow in the NBA is who Drake becomes a fan of once the Raptors are out of the running.  Toronto is done getting their dicks tied in a knot by the likes of Paul Pierce, but Drake ain't about to spend the rest of the playoffs at home bein' on some chill shit.  Whose locker room is Drizzy gonna try to break into come June? Man, Ain't NOO Tellin'.  The past couple of years, he's been a Miami Heat fan, I'm guessing because of his connections with Rick Ross, and of course because Miami was destined to win at least 1 title with Lebron.  This year, 'Bron is gone, and Chris Bosh's lungs are full of bloodclat, so the door is open for another superteam to get drunk with him and eat pizza on stage while he performs.  I'm guessing the "winning" team will be one in a city with clubs that go up on a Tuesday, star player(s) who like Drake, and a hip hop scene that is relatively unclaimed (Unlike Washington DC- Wale).  Bonus points thrown in for good throwback jerseys.  

Teams that have lost or are going to lose in the 1st round (I ain't trippin', let em rest in peace):

Pelicans, Celtics (RIP Jae Crowder), Bucks, Nets, Mavs (RIP Rondo), Blazers, and Clippers (I could end up being wrong on this one, but I won't)

Lest likely candidates to pick up Drake in round 2:

San Antonio, because the nightlife sucks there.  Tony Parker tried to start his own night club there when he was young and wanted make millions to work the night shift, but the club went tits up on a Tuesday because the only commercial leases available in San Antonio are strip malls.  Also, hard to imagine Kawhi Leonard listening to Drake.  I bet he likes Linkin Park.

Atlanta, because 2 Chainz already got more blocks in Atlanta than Dikembe.  No room for Aubrey here.

C'MON JOHN WALL!  D-UP TITTY BOI aka 2 CHAINZ!!. 

Memphis, because nobody really wants to hit the club with Z-Bo.  Cross him and he might make you disappear.  You probably don't want to risk pissing off the 3-6 Mafia either.  

Washington.  I know Drizzy and Paul Pierce are basically a couple like-minded bros with a similar style who happened to be on opposite sides of a playoff battle, but switchin' lanes isn't something the 6 God can really do.  Drake remember everythaaang.  This was cute, tho...

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a stone cold sober, hyper-focused athlete when a super blazed rapper tries to make conversation with them during a game.  Is it annoying to them?  Entertaining?  Motivating?  I'm very curious to know. 

Anyway, here are the most likely candidates to join Miami as Drake's 2nd favorite team:

Cleveland:  This one makes logical sense.  Drake could stay on the Lebron bandwagon and keep on "being media".  This would be a clean transition from being a Miami Heat fan.  However, the nightlife in Cleveland is terrible, so much so that JR Smith credits his improved play on the lack of clubbin' compared to NYC.  Hard to picture Drake doing a show at a dive bar full of depressed white folks.  On top of that, Lebron seems a bit more grown nowadays.  He lost the headband, moved back home for his wife and kids.  Maybe 'Bron realized "mu'fuckas never loved us" and turned the page on all that. 

Chicago:  I mean, it has all the right elements to appeal to Drake.  Urban city, hot night life, Jordan throwback jerseys.  Kanye is the biggest rapper from the Chi, but he might as well be the Sultan of Agrabah with his exotic wife and his weird-ass leather poopy pants.  Sounds like the territory is all yours if you want it, Aubrey.  You could slide right in like truffle butter.  The trick will be convincing the socially awkward Derek Rose into getting bombed and eating pizza with you at a nightclub.

I wonder if 100% of Kanye's ball sweat rolls down his pant legs and into his shoes, or just most of it.

Golden State:  This seems like a good fit.  Nightlife is great in the Bay, it's still urban despite the rapid gentrification, and the Warriors have some of the best throwback jerseys in league history. Plus, Steph Curry's whole on-court swagged out demeanor looks like he stole it from the "Started from the Bottom" video.  But, if Dreezy wants to be embraced by Oakland, he's gonna have to reach out to The Ambassador to The Bay, Mr. Earl "E-40" Fonzorelli Stevens, the greatest game spitter of all time, yet.  Normally I would venture to guess that Drake's ghetto report card doesn't have enough A-1's on it for 40 Water to join him in the studio, but then again Big $ean made it past the front door, so who knows? This is how I imagine the exchange going down:

Text from Drake:  "Yo Earl!  The 6 got love for the Bay, family.  We should get in the studio.  Oh, and let's get floor seats for Game 1 at Oracle.  You can look at my instagram while I flex for Jessica Alba."

Collect Call from E-40:  "What's cookin' pimperoni?  Me and my yeepolizations was thinking the same thing.  One problem, though.  My fetti on the inured list.  Lost all my yayper on a recent business venture.  Turns out nobody wants to pay $20/bottle for Mangostato aka Mad Dog 20/20 in a fancy bottle.  I'ma need you to pay for the studio time, nephew.  Scrimscramscribblydab!"

Drake: ........

So maybe not a great fit for Drake, but I could be wrong.

Houston:  I would bet 10 bands, 20 bands, 100 bands, fuck it man, on Drake becoming a Houston Rockets fan.  Drake has ins with Bun B, probably already owns a Robert Horry throwback, and I'm sure he probably already has kids, love interest, or a crush on a stripper in Houston.  I could easily imagine Dwight Howard and James Harden getting boozed up at The Mink and eatin' pizza while Drake runs through the 6 with his WOES!

Whatever happens, the thing for us all to remember before we join the bandwagon of people trying to troll Drake is that Drake is way way way blessed.  He hardly forgets anything.  He lives vicariously through himself.  He is media.  One day we'll all gain an understanding of how this goes.  He wrote it in code, then wrote it in stone.  ...or whatever the fuck he's talking about on Twitter, I'm lost.