You know I got's to make these 1st round predictions

Western Conference:

Dubs V. Pelicans:  I really would love to love the Warriors, but I only just like them.  I was poised to jump on the bandwagon last year when I bought an Andre Iguodala replica jersey, but when the TV camera turns to the fans at Oracle Arena, I realize I don’t want to be associated with this:

and especially not THIS:

There’s a lot to like here, even if these little Silicon Valley trust fund shitheads represent the Warriors fanbase.  Steph Curry’s jumper is so wet he doesn’t even watch it go in anymore.  The roster is stacked.  Draymond Green might be my favorite old-school style player.  I also get to entertain myself during Warriors games with fun thoughts like  “I wonder if I could bench press more than Steph Curry”, or “I heard Sean Livingston reached between the spigots and yanked on Dirk’s Nowitskis.  Let’s google that.”  Also, a word of warning: googling youtube videos of Sean Livingston will send you down a rabbit hole of gruesome sports injuries, including Golden State's own Andrew Bogut turning his arm into a backwards arm.  Anyway, I like the Warriors to win this series in 6, but I’ll admit I’m rooting for the Pelicans here.  Not because of Anthony Davis, who I do like, but because I’m going to Nawlins in a few weeks.  If the Pilicans advance, I can add playoff basketball to my already exciting agenda of crushing Purple Daiquiri’s and eating crawfish po’boys until my trap door fails.

Spurs v.  Clip Show

Because the West is so stacked, there was bound to be at least one tragic 1^st round matchup.  This is that one.  Both of these teams are good enough to make the West Finals.  S'here matchup features the majesty of Chris Paul (and his not so impressive physique) breaking ankles and tossing it up to a big ol' Redbone for some of the most powerful dunks of the year.  By the way, I know I bag on CP3 every year, but he looks like Carlton standing next to Bar Rafaeli.  C'mon, Chris!  FLEEEEEX

On the other side of the court, we have Lebron kryptonite.  Sugar K Leonard can wreck CP3's whole afternoon by knocking the ball loose, grabbing it off the floor with one hand, flinging it through the net in 1.2 seconds, and reacting like a marathon runner on the lookout for a porta-potty.   The Spurs are slowly going to squeeze the life out of CP3 by making him chase perimeter passes.  Eventually, Tim Duncan is gonna prepare his New Balance BB82's for liftoff and uncork a one-handed cliffhanger style dunk in Blake Griffin’s face that'll shake Redbone to his core.  Shots will stop going in for the Clip show, the Spurs will advance in 7.

Blazers v. Grizzlies

Fuck this matchup, honestly.  It could have been soo good, but the Blazers are so banged up they’re barely a shade of themselves.  The Grizzlies are also dead in the water in round 2 if Mike Conley’s foot needs to be wrapped in a pillow every 5 minutes.  I do enjoy watching Z-Bo get turnt up, tho.  His vertical leap probably peaked in High School and has been declining ever since, but he somehow pulls offensive rebounds like there’s a black hole beneath him.  I like to imagine Z-Bo going home after the game and running an organized crime syndicate from a burner stashed in his home theater.  I also like to imagine Marc Gasol preparing for a game by tearing through a whole rack of ribs like it’s made out of tissue paper.  Another thing I like to imagine is Juicy J rolling blunts and dipping them in codeine while he watches Inside the NBA, and I bet he LOVES Shaqtin' a Fool.   Grizzlies in 6. 

The James Harden's vs. Mark Cuban’s turd sandwich

Ugh.  The Mavs?  They’re no fun to watch.  Dirk, Tyson Chandler, JJ Barrea…  it’s like they tried to re-create the team that beat Miami in the Finals 4 years ago.  Rondo is clearly over it, which makes him a perfect fit for the Lakers next year.  Chandler Parsons is better at looking like Ryan Scheckler than he is at playing basketball.  Their best player is Monte Ellis…. Somehow that was enough for the 7 seed in the stacked West?  I mean, Dallas is a pretty good team all around, but if I was playing “kill, fuck, marry” with all the teams in the playoffs, the Mavs and the Nets would be a “kill” every time.  Dirk won his title.  Time to move on.  

James Harden is going to eviscerate this assembly of turdz with his black magic, flicka da wrist basketball voodoo.  I’m not sure how he pulls it off over and over again, but HE’S DRIVING LEFT AND HE’S GONNA LEAN IN FOR A FOUL!!.  Somehow nobody can stop him.  It’s amazing.  Nobody likes Dwight Howard, though.  That much is clear.  I have a theory that he eats 6 lbs of chicken breast and hot dogs cooked on a George Foreman grill every day, and the whole front row is just getting wafted with his meat farts.  He is still a man among boys in this matchup, though.  Rockets in 5.

The Eastern Conference:

This year’s first round in the D-League Eastern Conference features 3 series sweeps and one “who gives a shit” series. 

Teams who won’t win a playoff game:  Milwaukee, Boston, and Brooklyn.  I like the Greek Freak, but not this year.  Boston has some intrigue to me because they were about to tank, then the Phoenix Suns pooped the bed so hard, Boston made the playoffs.  Not sure why the Suns traded Isaiah Thomas, but I’m sure someone should be fired for it.  Brooklyn is a bunch of hot overpaid garbage and their owner is a Russian billionaire, which means he’s probably done some extremely immoral shit.

Toronto and Washington might be worth the watch if John Wall breaks out, but their coach is lost.   Toronto would be more interesting if they tried to do anything to improve their marketability other than associate themselves with Drake.  Having your head of basketball operations stand in the city center yelling “FUCK PAUL PIERCE” is not very good marketing.   Their on-court play is, in a word, yuck.  Neither one of these teams could beat the Utah Jazz in a 7 game series.

The important thing in the East is that somebody better beat Lebron.  The fact that the East sucks so bad makes me dislike Lebron even more.  He stayed in the East because he knows it's easy to make the finals.  Part of me wants a Cavs v Spurs final so we can see this again.  Man, Lebron is such a bitch.

And with that, here’s to 2 months of my fiancé watching Netflix on the iPad while I stream league pass on the big screen, sneak IPA’s and listen to 2 Chainz.