So guyz.
I'm starting to get real sick of the NFL. Not so much of Roger Goodell and all the domestic abusers of wives, children, and amphetamines (while those are deplorable). I'm mostly getting sick of the fact that the NFL and ESPN are 69-ing super hard all the time. If you didn't hear Mike and Mike, Colin Cowturd, Skip Bayless, and all the rest of the ESPN blowhards jizz in their pants about JJ Watt, then I guess you haven't consumed any of ESPN's multimedia this year. They raved about seeing JJ Watt mic'd up: "When you see him out there visiting those kids on the playground, you see just how much of a genuine, classy, high character guy he is. But, man... when he gets out there on that football field... don't mess with JJ Watt!" As heartwarming as it is to see the NFL Network go out of their way to show players giving back to the community, let's honest: JJ Watt is not that good at talking trash. "HEY REF! I'M BEATING THESE GUYS LIKE A DRUM!!!" "YOU GONNA HOLD ME ALL DAY OR JUST PART OF IT?." Wow, JJ Watt. Don't hurt their feelings.
Tom Brady. J.J. Watt. Andrew Luck. These guys are boring as fuck. NFL players used to have mad swagger. Randy Moss. T.O. Chad Ochocinco. Those guys were pure gold when mic'd up. Thanks to Ray Rice, the NFL will only promote the guys they know for sure won't say or do anything stupid. The Shield gets all nervous when their star players swag out. They just don't put mic's on guys like Marshawn Lynch anymore. Marshawn, you were just born in the wrong era, my friend. Don't believe me Just watch this Mic'd up on Chad Ochocinco. There is nothing this entertaining coming out of the NFL Network right now. Not even close.
Meanwhile, the games are getting kind of weird. Not the football part, the extra stuff. Like the Network TV halftime shows. They're... total garbage. I don't think Terry, Howie, Jimmy, Dan, Boomer, Bart, or Coach have ever practiced being on TV. They fuck their lines up half the time, can't find the camera, their collective statements never make any coherent sense, and then Rob Riggle just barges in and farts all over everything, leaving me confused as the football robot sends me to commercial. But, it's not just the TV coverage that confuses me. Yesterday, I watched the 49ers game and realized they're playing "Hot Nigga" by Bobby Schmurda every kickoff. Don't get me wrong, I love to do the Schmoney Dance, but I'm in a small minority of the 25-50 year old Caucasian male crowd who does. Let me get this straight: someone in the management of Levi's Stadium, aka Google Happy Hour, decided that the best way to pump up a bunch of software engineers for a kickoff is to play "Hot Nigga"? Just seems weird to me.
Throw in ESPN falling all over themselves to either cream all over or shit all over Johnny Football, and I'm just sofaking ready for the NBA to take over the airwaves.
So, without further ado, my preview of the NBA Christmas games:
The LA Kobes vs. Chicago Bulls: Honestly, if Derek Rose doesn't have the balls to bend his fucking knees while playing basketball, then the most entertaining thing about this game will be Kobe shitting on his garbage teammates. Sadly, D Rose has played like it's Team USA training camp all year, so we haven't really seen the true potential of the Bulls. On a positive note, Kobe has already told Jeremy Lin to "get the fuck out of the way" for a game winner on one occasion, and Lin complained that he never gets any chance to take a game winning shot on another occasion, so there's a good chance that Kobe either makes Linsanity cry, or punches him the face. I'm pretty excited about this one. R.I.P. to "Kobe getting his teammates involved" Advantage: Bulls
The Dubs vs. the Clipshow: Lots of people had the Clips picked to make the finals this year. Idiots. Chris Paul has slowly been losing his hops, his quickness, and now he's losing his hair. Old man Chris is not enough to get the Clips past the first round of the playoffs, and Steve Ballmer will have to ease off the snortskis this summer and make some trades if he wants to avoid being the worst new NBA owner in California. The Dubs on the other hand are rolling in the deep with their 2 handsome sharpshooting white boys and their handsome sharpshooting white boy coach. Advantage: Dubs
The 'Zards vs. The Knicks: Carmelo Anthony, you are a lazy waste of talent and a crybaby loser. At no point during your rambling, incoherent, summer free agency did I ever think that you were actually going to land on a team that would be better off with you. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul. John Wall is gonna ball the fuck out. Advantage: 'Zards
The Heat vs The Cavs: I watched a Heat game the other day and.. the Heat are still really easy to hate. Their arena is still empty, their in-game announcer is still obnoxious, their fans still love Birdman, and Bosh is still a female velociraptor, I think I actually hate the Cavs less... for now. As far as the game goes, Lebron always goes beast mode on Christmas, but Wade has been training for this game all summer. I predict a 40 point night for Wade while Kyrie still won't pass the ball to Lebron, because Lebron won't go Kobe on his ass. Advantage: Heat.
Spurs vs Thunder: Fucking Popovich will probably bench Duncan and Ginobli, so advantage Thunder. The west is so stacked. The Rondo trade didn't even tip the scales, it just pushed the Mavs into the top 5. Here's to bounce passes and broken elbow playoff comebacks. Welcome back to good basketball, Rajon.
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