NBA Conference Finals: Lebron's inevitability, the search for Drake, and a requiem for Spurs v Dubs

Guyz, the Lebron James experience is starting to get repetitive.  There's a sequence of events here.  Step 1. Lebron leaves his team and signs up with a superteam, ESPN creams collective shorts.  Step 2. Superteam has an overblown “tumultuous” regular season, ESPN craps collective pants.  Step 3. Superteam figures it out toward the end of the season, runs off a huge winning streak, looks unstoppable, ESPN melts collective panties.  Step 4.  Lebron becomes "besties" with his new teammates, Brian Windhorst compares current Lebron team to his high school team and ESPN creams shorts again thinking about how good of a teammate Lebron is.  Step 5. Two of Lebron’s super teammates get injured or banged up in the playoffs. “It's all on Lebron’s shoulders, now.  The same way it has been since he was a highly touted Junior at St. Vincent-St. Mary's” Step 6.  Lebron cakewalks to the conference finals because it doesn't matter who gets injured.  Lebron could win the East with Bugs at point guard, Taz at Center, and Bull Murray coming off the bench.  In all seriousness, the Cavs could trade Mozgov for Brittney Greiner right now, and they would still beat the Hawks.  THE EAST SUCKS!!!  Lebron is the 1^st, 2^nd, 3^rd, and 4^th best player in the East depending on what position he’s playing.  Hurricane ‘Bron is coming, and the Hawks better board up their windows before their dicks get scattered to the wind. 

I’d like to say it’s been fun watching the Hawks win 50 games and make it to the conference finals, but… it hasn't been.  Kyle Korver was tight back when Iverson played for the Sixers.  Watching him run around screens all day long in a furious effort to get open is like watching a contestant on American Gladiators try to hit a target with a nerf football while Nitro blasts his ass with a fucking tennis ball cannon.  He's like having a sniper rifle in a N64 Goldeneye battle with grenade launchers.  Cavs in 6.

Where. Is. Drake?

Dawg, this subplot got boring.  I thought for sure we'd see Aubrey court side, at least as a neutral fan, at least at one round 2 game somewhere.  Clearly, Kanye boxed him out of Chicago by sitting next to Scottie Pippen and pulling an impromptu "I'ma let you finish" during a TV timeout.  I'm still not sure why Drake's not on Houston's bandwagon yet.  He's not embarrassed to no longer be "on some Raptors pay my bills shit" is he?  No.  No way.  He's only 27 and he's only getting better.  C'mon Drake!  You already wrote for us.  What's one more quote for us?  

Wait a second, I see where this is going.  Lebron is lurking.  The Cavs are coming in hot in the Drake is my #1 fan Sweepstakes.  What if the Cavs win it all, Drake waltzes into the locker room for some champagne and some HYFR video type celebration, afterwards Lebron stays home with the wife and kids while Kyrie, Shumpert, and JR Smith go party with Drizzy?  This is 2015, they could just get on Drake's G-7 and fly to NYC for some bubbles and drunk pizza at 1-Oak.  Drake...if you ain't the greatest, then you headed for it.

Let's talk about the Warriors:

These front running sonsabitches cannot win tight games, but they sure know how to work with a lead.  Go big or go home.  Steph is the only kid on the squad who can create a shot in good times, bad times, sickness or in health.  When he gets it going, homedude is like a young Nick Cannon with a snare drum just flippin’ it around his waist, chewing on his mouth guard, pushing the drumline forward, doing a solo on HIS drum, doing a solo on YOUR drum. 

Steph might get punched eventually for being too fucking fresh, just like Nick Cannon did.  By the way, things I love about that scene:  1. The fat guy who socks Nick Cannon looks like Big Baby.  2. The little guy who goes flying into the scrum like Marcus Allen on the 1 yard line 3. Earlier in that scene, the red guys throw cocaine on their drums, and Orlando Jones is like..."Oh fuck, I didn't see that coming", and Nick Cannon is like "pssh, I've seen coke on a drum before.  These fuckbois ain't bout shit."

Anyway, as Steph goes, the Dubs go, and there’s really no backup plan.  Klay Thompson?  Tony Allen put a hurtin' on his bleached cornbread white honkey ass.  The Dubs are lucky TA got injured.  For a second there I thought GSW got their dicks caught in the Memphis grindhouse, and we were all gonna be eating Warrior dick sausage for a week.  Then, the MVP dropped his drumsticks in Mike Conley’s face, pulled out a second pair he had hidden, tossed one in from 3/4 court, and continued raining 3’s.  Sorry if you didn’t follow that whole reference, but it’s your fault for not watching Drumline.  Good news for the Dubs is they advance with no health concerns.  Bad news is Klay.  Sure, he's gonna get paid, but his heart pumps Kool-aid.  I'd hate to rely on that guy for a bucket in a tight game.

RIP Grizz.  I really like that squad.  Mike Conley a balla.  Marc is the Gasol you wanna be.  When Tony Allen starts flexin’ his First Team All Defense nuts, it’s like listening to DMX at the gym.  I hope they make another run next year, but I just can’t imagine Z-Bo doing Z-Bo things forever.  It has to end for that guy someday, right?  Compared to Clips V. Rockets, this Dubs V Grizz was a real treat.

#Fuckboibasketball

I spent a recent weekend in Nawlins, and long story short, I called a few people a "Fuckboi".  I also got called a fuckboi a few times, deservedly, but the question came up:  What is a fuckboi?  Well, one could look it up on urban dictionary, but the easy way to define it for you  is to say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi".  Even if you don't know what it means, if I say "Dwight Howard is a fuckboi", your cognitive brain is like "you're right, that fuckboi ain't bout shit".  You gonna let Deandre Jordan take the "athletic big man” crown?  Cause he took it from you, Dwight. You gonna let Matt Barnes talk dirty to your Mom on Mothers Day?  Damn, you a fuckboi Dwight.

Thing is, though, the Rockets beat the Clips and the Clips beat the Spurs.  I feel dirty just saying that.  I refuse to admit that a team that starts Matt Barnes beat the Spurs in a game 7 more than the Spurs beat themselves.   Matt Barnes is such a thug, right? So thug that he went to a high school with a pretty good water polo team.  Kobe didn’t blink.  James Harden didn't either.  Don’t let the neck tats fool you: Matt Barnes a fuckboi.  Blake Griffin?  Most talented Redbone in NBA history, bar none.  Unstoppable at times.  Goes soft as a sock during tight 4th quarter playoff games.  When he decided it was time to try to do an And-1 crossover on Marco Bellinelli, up 2 with 15 seconds left, and he bounced it off his foot and blew game 2, I knew he had the ghosts of Karl Malone and Chris Webber in him.  It takes real balls for Steve Ballmer not to sell this bunch of fuckbois after they practically won the series in game 6, then got outscored by 30 in the closing quarter, and rolled over in game 7.  And this is the team that beat the Spurs in 7?  AGHHH.  

Anyway, I'm clearly bummed that the West Finals isn't Dubs v. Spurs.  At least these teams have some interesting matchups.  Harden v Steph is an MVP-off.  Ariza and Iguodala are 2 of my favorite NBA players.  Josh Smith v Draymond will have sparks.  The Dubs have a big advantage on the bench, but Dwight, fuckboi as he is, creates some problems down low for the Warriors.  I hate to break it to Andrew Bogut, but Andrew Bogut ain't bout shit.  I got a real laugh out of him and the Warriors GM talking about how they knew the whole Monte Ellis for Bogut trade would work out in the long run.  That trade was all about getting rid of Monte at all costs.  Bogut's contract matched, and the Bucks were desperate enough to take on Monte.  Bogut isn't that tight, it just so happens the Warriors never got around to signing a real Center.  This is, however, still the Steph Curry show, and the Dubs go to the NBA finals after 6 games.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Fill it up again!!

Oh. Man.  This is great.  The garbage round 1 matchups are finally over and we get to dig into the good stuff with no Kevin Love, no Rondo, and no Milwaukee Bucks.  So, basically no bitch-asses.

Oh wait.  Lebron.  And the GOD DAMN Clippers.  Ugh!

The Cleveland Lebron's v. Bulls:

Kevin Love, you were probably that kid growing up who went crying to his mom when one of your friends accidentally broke your super soaker.  You pulled the white privilege card so fast when that Canadian priest accidentally dislocated your shoulder.  Queue the violin music:

"It's just sad that someone would go to such lengths... There's not a doubt in my mind that he did it on purpose...HHUMPHFF... I expect the league to take swift action...HHUMPHFF.  And if they don't, my Dad is friends with the D.A.  HHUMPHFFF.  I'm the Prince of Cleveland. HHUMPHFFF.  My teammates better go out there and retaliate, or I'm signing with the Lakers next year....HHUMPHFF!!!!"

Such a ho.  He got Kendrick Perkins and JR Smith all in a tizzy during halftime, somehow fixin' to kill Jae Crowder as a retaliation?  Why is every team that Lebron is on such a bag of farts?  Anyway, the Cavs are no less imposing without Love.  Any NBA player, except maybe Perkins, can knock down the open looks K. Love gets off of Kyrie and Lebron.

Meanwhile, the Bulls just pulled off a classic Pau "Cat Piss" Gasol series, where they dominate for 3 games, then all of a sudden ol' Big Bird starts flailing around like the plastic bag from American Beauty.  Nonetheless, they got out of Milwaukee with Derek Rose still intact, which is like winning the lottery for them.  I'm really excited to see what the Bulls can do.  I like to imagine Joakim Noah wearing a wife beater and doing a Bizzy Bone (RIP) impression while they listen to "Notorious Thugz" before the game. I also like to imagine Tom Thibodeau discussing his game plan with his coaching staff while he tears bloody leg meat off a turkey bone and pops whole cherry tomatoes with his front teeth like the Steward of Gondor from Lord of the Rings.

"We will not rest our starters."

In my dream world, Derek Rose blows our minds with a 2013-esque throwback performance, and Lebron gets leg cramps before halftime of game 3 (otherwise known as the universal Lebron sign for "I'm folding.  This series is over in 5")  In reality, Derek Rose is still too rusty.  Cavs in 7, with a couple of really painful to watch dunks on Big Bird.

Hawks vs. 'Zards:

Hmmm.  John Wall will definitely ball the fuck out.  But..Hawks in 6?  Hard to say, neither of these teams really stands out as "good".  Either way the winner of this series gets the pleasure of having their dick snapped off like a celery stock by Lebron in the East Finals.  My best hope for this series is that a savvy female sideline reporter decides to interview 2 Chainz during a game:

Rachel Nichols:  2 Chainz, is it true that you used to go by the name "Tity Boi" because you're a mama's boy who loved being breastfed?

2 Chainz:  Yeah.  It's not meant to be a derogatory "I love stripper tits" kinda name.  More like a "I love my Mom" kinda name.  I actually respect women.

Nichols:  Fascinating.  Mr. Chainz, the Hawks are by all accounts, good, but they don't really appear to have any particularly good players who do anything particularly well.  What do you make of your hometown team?

2 Chainz: They different, yeah.  They different.  Jeff Teague is ballin' like he got Spalding leather in his Benz seats.  And, Kyle Korver, I mean, I'm pretty sure he ain't got no ass cheeks, but you can't leave him open.  They just need to get that 4th quarter figured out.

Nichols:  You're right, Kyle Korver's ass is as flat as a pancake.  2 Chainz, any advice for the team?

Chainz:  Middle finger up to tha competition.

Nichols:  Thanks, Tity Boi.  I'm Rachel Nichols, E-S-P-ENNNNNNN

Western Conference:

The Dubs vs. The GRIZZ

I really like the Grizz.  Super gritty team. Always down to put their nuts on the table.  Too many good characters on the team, and I haven't even mentioned Tony Allen.  I'll let him speak for himself:




Unfortunately for the Grizz, nuts on the table and all, the Warriors are gonna bang them shits with a spiked bat  BLAAOWWW, especially if they don't get Mike Conley back.  Conley's backups are: a white guy with more hair on his chest than on his head, and a guy named Beano.  The Warriors can dominate without even getting their hands dirty.  Steph Curry has mind control over everyone and everything in the arena.  Even his mouth guard defies the odds.  That thing gets flipped around all day, chewed on, touched by his hands every other play, which touch the ball every play, which touches everybody else's hands, including Shaun Livingston's hands, which touch sweaty dicks....and somehow Curry doesn't have e-coli yet.  This just feels like the Warrior's year.  Dubs in 5.

Clips v. Rockets:

The Spurs just didn't have it this year.  The Clips eventually cleaned just enough of their own shit out of their shoes to elevate and win game 7.  I hope the Spurs are at Matt Bonner's house right now watching "Remember the Titans" and getting pumped for another comeback.

2 things I hate about the Clippers advancing:

1. More temper tantrums, fake injuries, crying, and general turdiness.  These guys cry like their ice cream cone got knocked over when calls don't go their way.  They roll around like they got shot when they sprain something.  Big Baby's sprained cankle required a wheelchair after he finished the play he sprained it on and walked on it for a while.  Yeah, he suited up the next game.  And their owner, who is clearly on some sort of cocktail of uppers, downers, laughers, cryers, farters, and snorters, is being encouraged to act this way by the media types who just eat it up.

2.  I did not factor LA into my 2015 Which team is Drake suiting up for? sweepstakes  LA is the entertainment capital of the world.  Lots of cameras in Staples Center.  There's also a lot of hip hop guys in LA, but LA is still a Lakers town.  I don't see Snoop or Ice Cube throwing away their purple and gold just yet.  Maybe the Clips need a hip hop celebrity to be the face of their LA takeover?  Sounds reasonable, but the thing about LA and hip hop is, sometimes out of towners show up in LA and leave in a body bag, with no witnesses, no leads, and no suspects.  And Suge Knight plead not guilty.  What if he gets out?.  I wouldn't risk it if I was Drake.

Anyway, this series is gonna probably be pretty good.  Harden vs CP3 is a great matchup.  Deandre vs. Dwight is good, too.  Gonna be a lot of bricked free throws, dunks, crossovers, broken ankles, maybe even a brawl?  Ultimately I think the Clips have more firepower.  Griffin and Deandre are a tall order for Dwight.  Clips in 6.

NBA Playoffs Round 2: Who's Drizzy goin' 0 to 100 with?

One of the underrated things to follow in the NBA is who Drake becomes a fan of once the Raptors are out of the running.  Toronto is done getting their dicks tied in a knot by the likes of Paul Pierce, but Drake ain't about to spend the rest of the playoffs at home bein' on some chill shit.  Whose locker room is Drizzy gonna try to break into come June? Man, Ain't NOO Tellin'.  The past couple of years, he's been a Miami Heat fan, I'm guessing because of his connections with Rick Ross, and of course because Miami was destined to win at least 1 title with Lebron.  This year, 'Bron is gone, and Chris Bosh's lungs are full of bloodclat, so the door is open for another superteam to get drunk with him and eat pizza on stage while he performs.  I'm guessing the "winning" team will be one in a city with clubs that go up on a Tuesday, star player(s) who like Drake, and a hip hop scene that is relatively unclaimed (Unlike Washington DC- Wale).  Bonus points thrown in for good throwback jerseys.  

Teams that have lost or are going to lose in the 1st round (I ain't trippin', let em rest in peace):

Pelicans, Celtics (RIP Jae Crowder), Bucks, Nets, Mavs (RIP Rondo), Blazers, and Clippers (I could end up being wrong on this one, but I won't)

Lest likely candidates to pick up Drake in round 2:

San Antonio, because the nightlife sucks there.  Tony Parker tried to start his own night club there when he was young and wanted make millions to work the night shift, but the club went tits up on a Tuesday because the only commercial leases available in San Antonio are strip malls.  Also, hard to imagine Kawhi Leonard listening to Drake.  I bet he likes Linkin Park.

Atlanta, because 2 Chainz already got more blocks in Atlanta than Dikembe.  No room for Aubrey here.

C'MON JOHN WALL!  D-UP TITTY BOI aka 2 CHAINZ!!. 

Memphis, because nobody really wants to hit the club with Z-Bo.  Cross him and he might make you disappear.  You probably don't want to risk pissing off the 3-6 Mafia either.  

Washington.  I know Drizzy and Paul Pierce are basically a couple like-minded bros with a similar style who happened to be on opposite sides of a playoff battle, but switchin' lanes isn't something the 6 God can really do.  Drake remember everythaaang.  This was cute, tho...

I always wonder what goes through the mind of a stone cold sober, hyper-focused athlete when a super blazed rapper tries to make conversation with them during a game.  Is it annoying to them?  Entertaining?  Motivating?  I'm very curious to know. 

Anyway, here are the most likely candidates to join Miami as Drake's 2nd favorite team:

Cleveland:  This one makes logical sense.  Drake could stay on the Lebron bandwagon and keep on "being media".  This would be a clean transition from being a Miami Heat fan.  However, the nightlife in Cleveland is terrible, so much so that JR Smith credits his improved play on the lack of clubbin' compared to NYC.  Hard to picture Drake doing a show at a dive bar full of depressed white folks.  On top of that, Lebron seems a bit more grown nowadays.  He lost the headband, moved back home for his wife and kids.  Maybe 'Bron realized "mu'fuckas never loved us" and turned the page on all that. 

Chicago:  I mean, it has all the right elements to appeal to Drake.  Urban city, hot night life, Jordan throwback jerseys.  Kanye is the biggest rapper from the Chi, but he might as well be the Sultan of Agrabah with his exotic wife and his weird-ass leather poopy pants.  Sounds like the territory is all yours if you want it, Aubrey.  You could slide right in like truffle butter.  The trick will be convincing the socially awkward Derek Rose into getting bombed and eating pizza with you at a nightclub.

I wonder if 100% of Kanye's ball sweat rolls down his pant legs and into his shoes, or just most of it.

Golden State:  This seems like a good fit.  Nightlife is great in the Bay, it's still urban despite the rapid gentrification, and the Warriors have some of the best throwback jerseys in league history. Plus, Steph Curry's whole on-court swagged out demeanor looks like he stole it from the "Started from the Bottom" video.  But, if Dreezy wants to be embraced by Oakland, he's gonna have to reach out to The Ambassador to The Bay, Mr. Earl "E-40" Fonzorelli Stevens, the greatest game spitter of all time, yet.  Normally I would venture to guess that Drake's ghetto report card doesn't have enough A-1's on it for 40 Water to join him in the studio, but then again Big $ean made it past the front door, so who knows? This is how I imagine the exchange going down:

Text from Drake:  "Yo Earl!  The 6 got love for the Bay, family.  We should get in the studio.  Oh, and let's get floor seats for Game 1 at Oracle.  You can look at my instagram while I flex for Jessica Alba."

Collect Call from E-40:  "What's cookin' pimperoni?  Me and my yeepolizations was thinking the same thing.  One problem, though.  My fetti on the inured list.  Lost all my yayper on a recent business venture.  Turns out nobody wants to pay $20/bottle for Mangostato aka Mad Dog 20/20 in a fancy bottle.  I'ma need you to pay for the studio time, nephew.  Scrimscramscribblydab!"

Drake: ........

So maybe not a great fit for Drake, but I could be wrong.

Houston:  I would bet 10 bands, 20 bands, 100 bands, fuck it man, on Drake becoming a Houston Rockets fan.  Drake has ins with Bun B, probably already owns a Robert Horry throwback, and I'm sure he probably already has kids, love interest, or a crush on a stripper in Houston.  I could easily imagine Dwight Howard and James Harden getting boozed up at The Mink and eatin' pizza while Drake runs through the 6 with his WOES!

Whatever happens, the thing for us all to remember before we join the bandwagon of people trying to troll Drake is that Drake is way way way blessed.  He hardly forgets anything.  He lives vicariously through himself.  He is media.  One day we'll all gain an understanding of how this goes.  He wrote it in code, then wrote it in stone.  ...or whatever the fuck he's talking about on Twitter, I'm lost.  

You know I got's to make these 1st round predictions

Western Conference:

Dubs V. Pelicans:  I really would love to love the Warriors, but I only just like them.  I was poised to jump on the bandwagon last year when I bought an Andre Iguodala replica jersey, but when the TV camera turns to the fans at Oracle Arena, I realize I don’t want to be associated with this:

and especially not THIS:

There’s a lot to like here, even if these little Silicon Valley trust fund shitheads represent the Warriors fanbase.  Steph Curry’s jumper is so wet he doesn’t even watch it go in anymore.  The roster is stacked.  Draymond Green might be my favorite old-school style player.  I also get to entertain myself during Warriors games with fun thoughts like  “I wonder if I could bench press more than Steph Curry”, or “I heard Sean Livingston reached between the spigots and yanked on Dirk’s Nowitskis.  Let’s google that.”  Also, a word of warning: googling youtube videos of Sean Livingston will send you down a rabbit hole of gruesome sports injuries, including Golden State's own Andrew Bogut turning his arm into a backwards arm.  Anyway, I like the Warriors to win this series in 6, but I’ll admit I’m rooting for the Pelicans here.  Not because of Anthony Davis, who I do like, but because I’m going to Nawlins in a few weeks.  If the Pilicans advance, I can add playoff basketball to my already exciting agenda of crushing Purple Daiquiri’s and eating crawfish po’boys until my trap door fails.

Spurs v.  Clip Show

Because the West is so stacked, there was bound to be at least one tragic 1^st round matchup.  This is that one.  Both of these teams are good enough to make the West Finals.  S'here matchup features the majesty of Chris Paul (and his not so impressive physique) breaking ankles and tossing it up to a big ol' Redbone for some of the most powerful dunks of the year.  By the way, I know I bag on CP3 every year, but he looks like Carlton standing next to Bar Rafaeli.  C'mon, Chris!  FLEEEEEX

On the other side of the court, we have Lebron kryptonite.  Sugar K Leonard can wreck CP3's whole afternoon by knocking the ball loose, grabbing it off the floor with one hand, flinging it through the net in 1.2 seconds, and reacting like a marathon runner on the lookout for a porta-potty.   The Spurs are slowly going to squeeze the life out of CP3 by making him chase perimeter passes.  Eventually, Tim Duncan is gonna prepare his New Balance BB82's for liftoff and uncork a one-handed cliffhanger style dunk in Blake Griffin’s face that'll shake Redbone to his core.  Shots will stop going in for the Clip show, the Spurs will advance in 7.

Blazers v. Grizzlies

Fuck this matchup, honestly.  It could have been soo good, but the Blazers are so banged up they’re barely a shade of themselves.  The Grizzlies are also dead in the water in round 2 if Mike Conley’s foot needs to be wrapped in a pillow every 5 minutes.  I do enjoy watching Z-Bo get turnt up, tho.  His vertical leap probably peaked in High School and has been declining ever since, but he somehow pulls offensive rebounds like there’s a black hole beneath him.  I like to imagine Z-Bo going home after the game and running an organized crime syndicate from a burner stashed in his home theater.  I also like to imagine Marc Gasol preparing for a game by tearing through a whole rack of ribs like it’s made out of tissue paper.  Another thing I like to imagine is Juicy J rolling blunts and dipping them in codeine while he watches Inside the NBA, and I bet he LOVES Shaqtin' a Fool.   Grizzlies in 6. 

The James Harden's vs. Mark Cuban’s turd sandwich

Ugh.  The Mavs?  They’re no fun to watch.  Dirk, Tyson Chandler, JJ Barrea…  it’s like they tried to re-create the team that beat Miami in the Finals 4 years ago.  Rondo is clearly over it, which makes him a perfect fit for the Lakers next year.  Chandler Parsons is better at looking like Ryan Scheckler than he is at playing basketball.  Their best player is Monte Ellis…. Somehow that was enough for the 7 seed in the stacked West?  I mean, Dallas is a pretty good team all around, but if I was playing “kill, fuck, marry” with all the teams in the playoffs, the Mavs and the Nets would be a “kill” every time.  Dirk won his title.  Time to move on.  

James Harden is going to eviscerate this assembly of turdz with his black magic, flicka da wrist basketball voodoo.  I’m not sure how he pulls it off over and over again, but HE’S DRIVING LEFT AND HE’S GONNA LEAN IN FOR A FOUL!!.  Somehow nobody can stop him.  It’s amazing.  Nobody likes Dwight Howard, though.  That much is clear.  I have a theory that he eats 6 lbs of chicken breast and hot dogs cooked on a George Foreman grill every day, and the whole front row is just getting wafted with his meat farts.  He is still a man among boys in this matchup, though.  Rockets in 5.

The Eastern Conference:

This year’s first round in the D-League Eastern Conference features 3 series sweeps and one “who gives a shit” series. 

Teams who won’t win a playoff game:  Milwaukee, Boston, and Brooklyn.  I like the Greek Freak, but not this year.  Boston has some intrigue to me because they were about to tank, then the Phoenix Suns pooped the bed so hard, Boston made the playoffs.  Not sure why the Suns traded Isaiah Thomas, but I’m sure someone should be fired for it.  Brooklyn is a bunch of hot overpaid garbage and their owner is a Russian billionaire, which means he’s probably done some extremely immoral shit.

Toronto and Washington might be worth the watch if John Wall breaks out, but their coach is lost.   Toronto would be more interesting if they tried to do anything to improve their marketability other than associate themselves with Drake.  Having your head of basketball operations stand in the city center yelling “FUCK PAUL PIERCE” is not very good marketing.   Their on-court play is, in a word, yuck.  Neither one of these teams could beat the Utah Jazz in a 7 game series.

The important thing in the East is that somebody better beat Lebron.  The fact that the East sucks so bad makes me dislike Lebron even more.  He stayed in the East because he knows it's easy to make the finals.  Part of me wants a Cavs v Spurs final so we can see this again.  Man, Lebron is such a bitch.

And with that, here’s to 2 months of my fiancé watching Netflix on the iPad while I stream league pass on the big screen, sneak IPA’s and listen to 2 Chainz.

Boogie Cousins is not an All-Star

As the slow grind of the WWE, errrr, I mean NFL season comes to a halt, we sports fans can finally look forward to the most entertaining 6 months in all of sports:  the portion of the NBA season from All-Star Break 'till the Free Agency.  I don't know about you, but I've heard enough complaining about Roger Goodell, listened to enough Belichick gargling, and watched enough one handed catches by Odell Beckham to last me until 2016.  Good job NFL.  Playing football games is now the second most entertaining thing you do.

So, let's talk NBA All Star Rosters, and why Boogie Cousins didn't really deserve to be on it.  Yes, he averages something like 24pts and 14 rbs.  Yes, those are very good numbers, and no there aren't many big men in the league putting up numbers like that.  First of all, it's easy to score a lot of points when you're the #1, #2, and #3 option on your team ahead of #4, which is Rudy Gaye.  Second of all, it's really easy to get a lot of rebounds when you miss a lot of layups.  About once a week, I'll treat myself to some Sacramento sports talk radio to see what's up with Kings fans.  This month I found out there are a lot of Kings fans who believe Boogie is the most dominant big man since Shaq.  I would like to remind anybody who is thinking about comparing Boogie to Shaq, that Shaq once tore down an entire basketball hoop.

I would also like to present Exhibit A for reasons why Boogie is not an All-Star, with a reminder that this is not a clip from last season, in which Boogie's attitude problems were well chronicled.  This is a clip from a few days ago, after Boogie was named as the alternate on the All-Star roster.

The owner of that video generously named it "Kings forget to play defense".  The real title of that video should be "Boogie sucks wind behind the 3-pt line while watching Mareese Speights walk toward the easiest 2 points he will ever score".   Simply put, ALL-STARS DON'T DO SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!  Tim Duncan is 50 years old and has absolutely nothing to prove and you will never see him take a play off like Boogie took that one off.

I would now like to present Exhibit B.  Yeah, that would make the Kings the 3rd worst team in the Western Conference.  Not that being a bad team in the West is as bad as being a bad team in the East.. the Magic, Sixers, and Knicks are on some straight JV shit.. but you shouldn't get to be an All Star if your team is garbage compared to 80% of your conference, which the Kings still are.

Boogie Cousins is not an All Star, Exhibit C, and Exhibit D.  Everyone agrees that the fan voting approach is flawed because it's an annual guarantee that the Chinese fans will vote in 1 or 2 players who just aren't on that level.  This year, that guy was Kobe, and the basketball gods responded by tearing Kobe's rotator cuff and ending his season.  When these things happen, and they do every year, the alternates picked usually go to the fanbase who cries the loudest for their guy who got snubbed.   This year, Grant Napear Nation crapped their collective pants about Boogie's 24 and 14 not making the All Star Team, so Adam Silver quickly slid Boogie in there as a non-controversial pick for an alternate.  I guarantee he woke up the next day and kicked himself for forgetting that he just filled a shooting guard spot with a power forward instead of putting THIS GUY on display.

Dame Lillard is a fuckin baller, and I'd way rather see him dunking on Pau Gasol than watch Boogie try to post up and crybaby his way to a boring double-double.   Lillard might not put up John Wall numbers, but he is the baby Black Mamba.  Unfortunately for him, he plays the deepest position in the league and for some reason people still think Chris Paul is the PGMVP.  In any case, we get to see what Boogie does in the All Star game, then snooze our way through the remainder of what the Kings would call "the season" while Sactown fans try to talk themselves into a summer 2015 breakout for Nick Stauskas.        

NBA Christmas Day Preview

So guyz.

I'm starting to get real sick of the NFL.  Not so much of Roger Goodell and all the domestic abusers of wives, children, and amphetamines (while those are deplorable).  I'm mostly getting sick of the fact that the NFL and ESPN are 69-ing super hard all the time.  If you didn't hear Mike and Mike, Colin Cowturd, Skip Bayless, and all the rest of the ESPN blowhards jizz in their pants about JJ Watt, then I guess you haven't consumed any of ESPN's multimedia this year.  They raved about seeing JJ Watt mic'd up:  "When you see him out there visiting those kids on the playground, you see just how much of a genuine, classy, high character guy he is.  But, man... when he gets out there on that football field... don't mess with JJ Watt!"  As heartwarming as it is to see the NFL Network go out of their way to show players giving back to the community, let's honest:  JJ Watt is not that good at talking trash.    "HEY REF!  I'M BEATING THESE GUYS LIKE A DRUM!!!"  "YOU GONNA HOLD ME ALL DAY OR JUST PART OF IT?."   Wow, JJ Watt.  Don't hurt their feelings.

Tom Brady.  J.J. Watt.  Andrew Luck.  These guys are boring as fuck. NFL players used to have mad swagger.   Randy Moss.  T.O. Chad Ochocinco.  Those guys were pure gold when mic'd up.  Thanks to Ray Rice, the NFL will only promote the guys they know for sure won't say or do anything stupid.  The Shield gets all nervous when their star players swag out. They just don't put mic's on guys like Marshawn Lynch anymore.  Marshawn, you were just born in the wrong era, my friend.  Don't believe me Just watch this Mic'd up on Chad Ochocinco.  There is nothing this entertaining coming out of the NFL Network right now.  Not even close.

Meanwhile, the games are getting kind of weird.  Not the football part, the extra stuff.  Like the Network TV halftime shows.  They're... total garbage.  I don't think Terry, Howie, Jimmy, Dan, Boomer, Bart, or Coach have ever practiced being on TV.  They fuck their lines up half the time, can't find the camera, their collective statements never make any coherent sense, and then Rob Riggle just barges in and farts all over everything, leaving me confused as the football robot sends me to commercial.  But, it's not just the TV coverage that confuses me.  Yesterday, I watched the 49ers game and realized they're playing "Hot Nigga" by Bobby Schmurda every kickoff.  Don't get me wrong, I love to do the Schmoney Dance, but I'm in a small minority of the 25-50 year old Caucasian male crowd who does.   Let me get this straight: someone in the management of Levi's Stadium, aka Google Happy Hour, decided that the best way to pump up a bunch of software engineers for a kickoff is to play "Hot Nigga"?  Just seems weird to me.

Throw in ESPN falling all over themselves to either cream all over or shit all over Johnny Football, and I'm just sofaking ready for the NBA to take over the airwaves.      

So, without further ado, my preview of the NBA Christmas games:

The LA Kobes vs. Chicago Bulls:  Honestly, if Derek Rose doesn't have the balls to bend his fucking knees while playing basketball, then the most entertaining thing about this game will be Kobe shitting on his garbage teammates.  Sadly, D Rose has played like it's Team USA training camp all year, so we haven't really seen the true potential of the Bulls.  On a positive note, Kobe has already told Jeremy Lin to "get the fuck out of the way" for a game winner on one occasion, and Lin complained that he never gets any chance to take a game winning shot on another occasion, so there's a good chance that Kobe either makes Linsanity cry, or punches him the face. I'm pretty excited about this one.  R.I.P. to "Kobe getting his teammates involved" Advantage:  Bulls

The Dubs vs. the Clipshow:  Lots of people had the Clips picked to make the finals this year.  Idiots.  Chris Paul has slowly been losing his hops, his quickness, and now he's losing his hair.  Old man Chris is not enough to get the Clips past the first round of the playoffs, and Steve Ballmer will have to ease off the snortskis this summer and make some trades if he wants to avoid being the worst new NBA owner in California.  The Dubs on the other hand are rolling in the deep with their 2 handsome sharpshooting white boys and their handsome sharpshooting white boy coach.   Advantage:  Dubs

The 'Zards vs. The Knicks:  Carmelo Anthony, you are a lazy waste of talent and a crybaby loser.  At no point during your rambling, incoherent, summer free agency did I ever think that you were actually going to land on a team that would be better off with you.  I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.  John Wall is gonna ball the fuck out.  Advantage: 'Zards 

The Heat vs The Cavs:  I watched a Heat game the other day and.. the Heat are still really easy to hate.  Their arena is still empty, their in-game announcer is still obnoxious, their fans still love Birdman, and Bosh is still a female velociraptor,  I think I actually hate the Cavs less... for now.  As far as the game goes, Lebron always goes beast mode on Christmas, but Wade has been training for this game all summer.  I predict a 40 point night for Wade while Kyrie still won't pass the ball to Lebron, because Lebron won't go Kobe on his ass.  Advantage: Heat.   

Spurs vs Thunder:  Fucking Popovich will probably bench Duncan and Ginobli, so advantage Thunder.  The west is so stacked. The Rondo trade didn't even tip the scales, it just pushed the Mavs into the top 5.  Here's to bounce passes and broken elbow playoff comebacks.  Welcome back to good basketball, Rajon.

Sacramento lost the Billionaire NBA Owner Lottery

There are a lot of disappointed Kings fans this week, thanks to Mike Malone being fired as the head coach.  There are a lot of things that just stink about this move, starting with the fact that their recent losing streak coincided with Boogie Cousins missing like 11 games due to Ebola.  Kings fans should be mad, yes.  Firing your coach 24 games into the season never works out well; just ask the Lakers and Mike Brown.  However, let’s hone in on the truth, here.  There is one reason and one reason only for Kings fans to be mad about the firing of Mike Malone:  Good coaches don’t sign up to coach teams owned by egomaniacs who don’t know WTF they want and are quick to fire coaches.  We’ve seen this over and over again with the Oakland Raiders.  When was the last time the Raiders hired a coach who is capable of coaching a good NFL team?  That’s because coaching the Raiders is like being the White House press secretary:  you’ll eventually get fired for something your boss did.

With that said, Kings fans should not fret over losing Mike Malone.  His firing is not hurting the team right now.  The Kings were, in fact, NOT on the right track.  Their last 2 first round picks are still lost, Jason Terry basically refused to suit up unless he’s traded (which is saying a lot coming from a guy who hasn’t been relevant since 2010) and the team has a habit of taking a 1^st half lead and crashing hard in the 2^nd half.  The 5-1 start was a total fluke.  The only reason the Kings are noticeably better this year than last year is because Boogie learned this summer that you can’t be a bitch-ass, poopy diaper havin’-ass, lower lip quivering, 7 foot tall baby throwing a constant tantrum, and expect anybody to take you seriously, especially the referees. 

Kings fans should be mad, but they should be mad about something more serious than the head coach.  The Malone firing shed a spotlight on the ownership.  Take a good, hard look at this Ranadive guy:   Billionaire owner, philanthropist, tech-business guru, former youth girls basketball coach, and inventor of half a dozen stupid “outside the box” ideas on how to run an NBA franchise.  Everything I’ve read about the guy tells me he’s a fucking joke.   Here are some of his innovative strategies on how to make the Sacramento Kings the NBA team of the future:

1.  “Positionless basketball”.  Fucking genius, right?.  Could you imagine a team with, like, 7-footers playing guard on offense? (ummm, you mean like OKC, Dallas, Milwaukee?), or guards playing down low in the post? (umm you mean like Kobe Byrant has been doing for years?).  It’s like this guy just realized that NBA players are incredibly talented at playing basketball, and he thinks he’s the first one to figure it out.

2. Use their cap space on B-list players like Rudy Gaye with bad contracts.  Why? Because the salary cap will go up eventually, B-list players are better than C-list players, and A-list players aren’t really interested in signing with the Kings… yet!  Holy smokes, that’s genius!  Now if only they could swing a trade for Josh Smith, they’ll be 4 players away from a good starting 5.  I’m not sure where GM Pete D’Allisandro was when the Brooklyn Nets tried this with Deron Williams, Joe Johnson, and Brook Lopez, resulting in the only NBA franchise reporting a net operating loss in 2013 and a currently terrible roster who they would love to trade but can’t because NBA GM’s learned that you can’t sign Lebron without a shitload of cap space.

 3. Put Google Glasses on a player and record the game from their perspective.  Sounds cool, I guess?  Except, it’s pretty hard to see what’s happening when the ball is somewhere below their line of sight when they dribble, somewhere above their line of sight when they shoot, and when they defend they’re watching their man, not the ball.  Flush that one down the toilet.

4.  Bitcoin!  Be the first NBA team to accept bitcoin!  OK.  Pretty sure this guy’s first assumption about Sacramento is that it’s somewhere in the Silicon Valley and that everyone in Sacramento is a software engineer.  Nobody in Sacramento uses bitcoin, and 80% of Sacramento is underemployed hipsters.

5. The much publicized “Play defense 4 on 5, with a full time cherry picker”.  Wow, that’s a stroke of genius there.  This is the kind of idea Cartman would come up with.  Every fat 4^th grader has tried this, only to realize that after maybe one basket, the other team figures out how to counter it, and your teammates get tired of chasing up and down the court while you stand there.  The game eventually ends early because nobody is having fun. 

Here’s the really funny thing about this idea:  I first read about Ranadive floating this idea out there in the off season via Zach Lowe on Grantland.  After the Mike Malone firing, Bleacher Report leaked another article about how they’re gonna make a push for it with the new head coach in tow.  Nobody really ridiculed the guy for it the first time around, and everyone is now using his persistence for the idea as evidence that the guy is a wacky, overbearing micro manager.  Now there are articles popping up about the guy all on Forbes about how he takes pride in turning around his 12-year old daughter’s basketball team, having never touched a basketball in his life, by running a full court press.  Ummm?  Full court press kills against girls who can’t really dribble or pass.   Really, all this is telling me is that he knows very little about basketball and is super lost about how it works.

I know he’s a smart guy, but I feel like this needs to be spelled out for him.  Teenage girls’ basketball can barely be considered the same sport as NBA basketball.  There’s a big difference between coaching strategy for girls who barely have the arm strength to get the basketball over the rim, and men who can cover the entire length of the court in 5 dribbles.  Now, it’s hard enough to guard NBA players playing 5 on 5.  You can certainly try playing 4 on 5 defense, but if you leave a big man as your cherry picker, you’re gonna have a really hard time getting a defensive rebound.  If you leave a guard player as your cherry picker, the other team just has to pass around the 3 point line a few times and they’ll get a guaranteed open shot, of which they’ll probably make 70%.  If you go with this strategy for a entire game, there’s a chance you might give up 200 points.   You, on the other hand, will not score 200 points, because all the other team has to do to neutralize your cherry picker is guard the outlet pass and send their fastest player to leak out early on D after a shot goes up to intercept the outlet pass.

The NBA ownership terrain in California has shifted significantly in the past few years, with new ownership for the Warriors, Kings, Clippers, and to a certain extent, the LA Kobe’s.  So far, the verdict is out on former Microsoft CEO and current Clipsow owner Steve Ballmer, who seems content to rip a few rails of white china before going to a game and screaming his eyeballs out when Blake Griffin dunks on fools.  The Warriors ownership took some bumps, but they’re looking like geniuses now after dumping Mark Jackson for Steve Kerr and getting building plans approved in San Francisco so they can occupy the gaping sports market left by the 49ers.  The Buss Family?   Welll…… Jim Buss is pretty dumb, but the Lakers are the Lakers and Jeanie will eventually figure out a way to make Jim let Mitch Kupchak do his job.   They’ll and figure out life after Kobe.  Vivek Ranadive?  Something tells me he never watched basketball until the Lebron hype machine made its way to India, which would be fine if he wasn’t an egomaniacal billionaire who wants his stamp on everything, as NBA owners tend to be.  Sacramento hit the lottery with an ownership group who wants to build a new stadium, but lost it in the sense that this guy doesn’t seem like he’ll be very good at owning a basketball franchise.